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“I can’t fucking believe this shit,” I mumble to myself, trying to gather my emotions together before I speak. “Look, fuckwads, I don’t know what flew up y’all’s behind but you listen here. You’re going to fucking sort this shit out right here and right now because all we’ve got here is each other. We’re all relying on one another so we can’t go around fucking turning against each other at a time like this, can we? Even if y’all don’t like one another, you’re gonna fucking try and figure it out as long as we need to work together to survive this shit show. And when Julissa walks through that door, why don’t you pull your dick out of your ass and apologize,” I say the last part, especially to Mikhail.
He looks up at me in irritation. “So you believe her too?”
“Don’t you fucking try to pick a fight with me, Mr., because I’m trying real hard here not to join the whole testosterone circus and lose my fucking cool. And why shouldn’t I believe her?” I ask him.
“Surely you must see where I’m coming from though, right?” he asks me.
“Sure. I see where both of y’all are coming from. I think you both have a point,” I answer him.
“How can you even say that?” Calder is about to yell at me but I shoot him a look accompanied by my finger telling him not to dare.
“Listen from where I’m standing. He may be her father. And he may not be. I do think Calder’s got a point though. You’ve gotta trust her. And I’m still seething about what you said about trusting all of us but I’m way too fucking tired to pick a fight with your fucking ass right now. So what I’ll say is, reel in your control big guy, we ain’t toys that you get to place when and where you want them. You can't be right all the fucking time. And you’ve gotta give us a chance to think for ourselves. And if you’re having trouble with that, I suggest you come on down to the clinic and find yourself a doggone therapist too because that’s not our fucking problem,” I say to Mikhail.
“Yeah, yeah,” he says, getting up to go put the makeshift ice pack down.
“And Calder, I do agree with Mikhail about potentially running around after Julissa if she should fuck up. I mean, from my perspective at least, we don’t get a sense of freedom when we do that because well, if she decides she wants to do something that may harm our safety and we’re expected to just be one hundred percent supportive, then we end up having to leave our freedom behind to follow her and then what, our lives don’t matter? So I do see where Mikhail’s coming from there but the way he’s going about it ain’t the way to do it. We’ve gotta find a balance and for fuck sake, we can all discuss this with Julissa after we’ve all gotten some fucking sleep and calmed the fuck down. Now I want to fucking stop talking about this and I’m gonna get a drink because I need to fucking relax. My bones are killing me.” I get up and make my way to the kitchen, pouring a shot of whiskey over ice.
“You guys want some?” I ask them as I throw it back and pour myself another one. I don’t wait for them to answer. I just bring them a couple of glasses. “Listen here, the real problem is the tension is higher than a motherfucker right now. We’re all stressing out and as much as we’d like to pretend we’re all settled down now, we know that’s dog shit. We’re all still panicking, just waiting for something to fuck things up for us. It’s always just a breath away. The problem ain’t whether that man is Julissa's father or not. The problem is that we’re all still scared shitless and we don’t have an outlet so we’re just looking for someone to take our frustrations out on.” I take a sip of my drink. Mikhail tries to say something but I put a finger to my lips because I’m not trying to hear it right now. “Shhhh,” I say with my eyes shut, needing them to be silent like I need air in my lungs.
“So, here’s my suggestion,” I continue. “When Julissa walks through that door. I want you to apologize for projecting your fears on her. That’s all I want you to do. I don’t want you to go on and on about your feelings because fuck knows we’ve heard enough of your shit tonight. I’m serious. Don’t interrupt me. And I want you to do whatever you can to make it up to her, not because you’re her lap dog or some shit but because you love her, don’t you?”
Mikhail is silent.
“Don’t you?” I ask him.
“Oh, I’m allowed to speak now?” he asks me.
“Don’t give me lip, Sir,” I respond. And he smiles.
“Of course I love her. You’re right, I don’t know what the fuck got into me tonight. I guess I’ve been less together than I thought I was, I fucking panicked and I lost my shit. Damn it. I fucked up real bad, didn’t I?” He stares blankly before chugging his glass of whiskey and grimacing at the burn.
“Real bad? You messed up worse than a pig stopping by a slaughterhouse for a plate of food,” I say.
“Huh?” he asks and I fan him off because ain’t nobody got time to be explaining shit. I look over to Calder who is struggling to hold his head up and keep his eyes open.
“Calder, you look like shit. How does your head feel?” I ask him and he glares at me as if the question insulted him.
“Fine,” he says.
“Why don’t you go on and get some sleep?” I say to him and when it’s just me and Mikhail left in the room, I stare at him wondering what the hell I’m going to do with him. He looks remorseful but at the same time, he was an almost unforgivable jackass earlier. I rest my glass down on our glass coffee table and move past the hesitation to go over to him and comfort him.
“You know what you need?” I ask him as I stand behind him and start to rub his shoulders. “You need to release all that tension inside your body.” I press my elbow into his neck and make circles with it and he groans. “How does that feel?” I ask him.
“Fucking amazing.” He loosens up.
“Great. You’re gonna have to do me next,” I say and he laughs at my innuendo.
Chapter 11
Julissa
Thankfully,Istillhavea job. I just got off the phone with my boss who after telling her that I got sick suddenly yesterday and had to rush to the doctors and won’t be able to come to work today, as a result, agreed to let me keep my job. Let’s hope she doesn’t see me lying here on this bench in the park facing a lake. I’ve never really been the type to sit in nature and enjoy it. I barely even notice it at times since I’m always in my head but not only am I cold, I am way too sleepy to walk beyond the nearby park. So I’m curled up on the bench and the blue of the morning is making way for the sunrise.
Birds are chirping overhead, the flowering trees around me are pretty and I have to admit, it’s kinda nice. I can hear my own thoughts. The downside to that is that I can also hear myself questioning everything Mikhail said and whether there’s any truth to it. My eyes are tired and I’m half asleep but I keep being awakened by his voice and his accusations. I guess out here it’s easier to understand his fear. I mean, he isn’t wrong, I do want to kill the man.
The man. I hear myself think it, almost like I’m trying to make sure that I don’t say “father” because what if Mikhail is right after all and he is an innocent man. What if I am just looking for a reason to kill? I guess that’s why it hurt me so bad because there is some truth to that part. My solution to certain situations like the girl in the cafe at work is to kill. I do want to kill for her. And it’s the fact that he hit the nail on the head while I’m trying to fight my instinct to do something that has become so addictive for me that ended up pissing me off and triggering me. Because if he can be right about that part, if he can read that part of me so well, what’s to say he isn’t right about the rest?
If I wasn’t so damn fucking tired, I’d go back over to “the man’s” place right now to see whether I’m really just losing my fucking mind or if it is him. But I’m way too cozy here, as much as the morning air is freezing my ass off in this waitressing dress I’m still wearing. I sniff my armpits. Man, I need a shower. Speaking of waitressing dress, I don’t want to run into my boss so it’s best if I find my ass home before the sun comes up and highlights the fact that I need a bath. Ugh, but I don’t want to have to face Mikhail though. Whatever. At this point, I don’t think I’m conscious enough to even be able to acknowledge his existence.
