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The bike rumbles beneath me and off we go, my head is close up against his back still even though I’ve already secured it with the helmet. It’s a comfortable position and I like it, even if I’m still feeling a little cold on the inside.
Instead of pulling onto the dirt road and risk his roaring engine being heard, we ride a little way into the forest, hopping off the bike when we believe it’s sufficiently hidden and we begin walking through the woods, not in such a rush this time since I know we’re going to get there and I don’t have to be battling my anxieties that comes with hiding what I’m doing so much anymore with someone by my side supporting me.
“So, how are you feeling now that we’re walking up to his house?” he asks.
I turn to look at him in shock. He cares what I feel, now? He must be seeing my reaction as it’s playing out clearly across my face because he stops and looks at me with regret. He says nothing and we just stare at each other.
I want to open up to him but I’m hesitant and he can tell, so we begin to walk again in silence. And I feel the distance between us as we don’t hold hands because I’m not in the mood to be touched by him right now. We’re walking together like two strangers who haven’t gone through traumatic times together, who haven’t tasted every single part of each other’s bodies and laughed and cried together. Strangers who haven’t lived with each other and shared what seems like decades of our lives together in such a short time.
It used to feel like we knew each other all our lives and now it feels like we’re on two different planets walking side by side, aliens who have never crossed paths. And although the distance is painful, I want to maintain it because I don’t trust us being close to each other anymore. And that hurts. Even though I know he’s trying, it’s going to take a lot more than an “I’m sorry” to get us back to where we once were.
Yet, I think there’s still something to be said that I want him by my side right now as I’m doing this and that he’s chosen to be here with me. So maybe once I get my answers here, things could start to look up for us. I can’t give that any thought now though. Do I still love him? Yes. Is love enough? I don’t know.
We arrive at the house. The sun’s about to go down. So we’re stuck waiting with each other hidden in the forest. I’m trying hard not to look at him, forcing myself to maintain my gaze at the house, my heart thumping with the hope that the time will just hurry along. But when my neck begins to hurt and I have to turn my head every now and then, unable to avoid a glance at him here and there, he’s also awkwardly avoiding eye contact. Man, this is strange.
Until, at some point, we both seem to need to stretch our necks together and our eyes make contact. Instead of looking down to avoid the heat of each other’s gazes, we don’t. We keep looking at each other in silence. And as we sit in silence, our eyes roaming over each other, peace begins to settle between us and it’s like I can connect with him without words and him with me.
He breaks the silence first. “What can I do to comfort you?” he asks me softly.
His eyes tell me he truly cares and his question is genuine. His eyes are the man that I love and when I see him through his eyes and make out every single detail of his face, body, and expressions, my heart warms. Sure, we can be combative but in this small moment in time, I’m reminded of what could exist between us again as I’m tempted to just rest my palm on his heart to feel his rhythm beat along with mine.
I smile at him. “You’re doing it. This, right here. You being here with me right now means a lot to me. Thank you.”
“Thanks for trusting me to come along with you,” he says.
I’m not sure if I would go as far as to say all that, Mikhail,I say in my head. Trust. Well, I guess maybe it can be taken moment to moment. And at this moment, I’m glad he’s with me so perhaps that’s trust after all.
Some less awkward silence passes between us again until it’s finally dark enough. We wait until the outside lights come on and we give it five minutes before we come out of the shadows. But as we’re making our way around the house, we hear the front door open, and laughing follows. The devil’s laugh and someone else’s. Another male laugh. We pause and begin to retreat softly into the forest again as we try to get a closer look at the visitor.
I can’t see him well enough, so I decide to attempt coming out again, crouching down against the side of the house as I begin to move closer. Mikhail is close behind me.
The fluorescent light of the front porch bathes the visitor as I hear the dipshit instruct the children to go and hug their “uncle” goodbye. The hairs on my skin become erect and it’s as if tiny ants are crawling all over my skin, into my body, gathering in thousands on top of my head creepily as I feel the weight of them into my scalp and brain, making my head feel a thousand times bigger.
I recognize the “uncle”. Only, it’s the same man that was in the cafe earlier today. That young girl’s pimp. The eeriness turns to rage and a desperate need to protect those two children overwhelms me. Everything makes sense now. The young woman and the picture of her that I found. Kid’s stuff in the car, with the bullet shell and blood. Those children are in danger and so is the young woman. He’s still that nasty fucking sleazeball and I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill them both.
I don’t think, I just act and I don’t even feel my feet as I launch forward, about to surprise the fuck out of them, when I’m pulled back and being dragged away. Again? Everything is happening so fast, it takes me a while to get my bearings. Goddamn it, not again Mikhail! This time I can’t control the rage in my body and I don’t even care that it’s Mikhail who’s restraining me. I’m willing to kill anyone who stands in my way of protecting those kids. I throw all my fucking body weight against him and I must have caught him off guard because he falls to the ground, allowing me to turn around to face him, ready to fucking fight and do what I need to do.
Chapter 21
Mikhail
Holyfuck!Ilether slip out of my grasp. I have to grab her before she starts screaming. I flip onto my feet right away but her eyes are narrowed in on me and she has that look on her face. That look I got to see right before she murdered someone. That look is directed at me now.
Fuck! She’s mad and she has a right to be. I betrayed her. Again. But she didn’t warn me before she decided to fucking throw herself into the lion’s den. I know she has no weapons on her but I know she doesn’t need weapons to do some serious damage. I can’t look around me to see what she could use. I just hope to goodness there are no fucking rocks nearby or sturdy logs as I charge toward her, tackling her to the ground, hoping with all hope that she doesn’t start fucking yelling.
I try to protect both my eyes from her nails and her back and head from blunt trauma as she falls backward. I restrain her hands above her head, throwing my other hand over her mouth, tensing my abs as she throws her feet forward connecting with my chest and belly, trying to cause some serious damage. And her kicks are hard too. I act fast, tucking my head close to hers before releasing her hands. I don’t release her mouth when I grab her from the ground and just start running with her, backing up further and further into the forest.
When we’re some distance away, I release my hand from her mouth after tightening my arm around hers.
“I’m going to fucking kill you, Mikhail!!! This is the last fucking time you trick me! Let me go.” She flings her head back against my chest. I guess she thought it would hit me in the face since I recognize the self-defense move but she forgot she is several inches shorter than I am.
“I know you’re mad. But please believe…” I begin.
“Oh, I’m way past fucking mad!” she screams as she tries to wriggle her body from my grasp. I tighten both arms around her now.
“Calm down, Julissa. I’m with you. Trust me, I am,” I say, trying to explain my actions and soothe her in the process.
“Calm down? Calm down?! Are you fucking kidding me? You’re psychotic! Calm down, he fucking says! And trust? You better TRUST that if you don’t release me right at this minute, you won’t wake up to see tomorrow morning,” she threatens me.
