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“Slow,” I gasp, changing the pace again, remembering to savor the moment.
He fucks me in missionary, keeping eye contact with me the whole time and I just keep falling into the bright green that holds me captive. It’s like heaven looking at him and hell knowing I’ll leave but that’s the sacrifice I’m willing to make because I’ve got no choice but to do what I must.
I’m cut out for this. The guys are not. I guess that’s one of the big mysteries of love; when you finally find it with the ones who are your complete opposite.
We finish up with me sucking his dick. He’s brought me to orgasm so many times, I want to take the time to treasure him the way he’s done me. I watch him as the veins in his neck and arms tense and his face twists as the intensity threatens to suffocate him and he gasps as if he can’t handle it anymore. I keep watching while he loses control, throwing himself against my mouth. I swallow him, wanting to keep a part of him with me forever.
He reaches for me but is too spent to pull me forward. I smile and crawl over his body, throwing my leg across his hips and resting my head against his chest.
This is it. It’s countdown time and whether or not I want this moment to come to an end, it has to. I can’t pull myself away just yet. “You know what I’ve been learning, Cal?” I say while running my finger up and down the middle of his stomach. “The world will always be fucked up and there’s nothing we can do about it. But despite that, we still deserve to have some happiness. We can report what we know to the necessary authorities, even if they’re incapable and if they are, we don’t have to stop there, we can take it to the press and if that doesn’t work, we can post it on the internet. It might take a longer time to get help to the people who need it the most but it doesn’t mean we can’t help them.”
He looks down at me and nods. “I guess. It sucks but I guess you’re right.”
As I’m looking up at him, I run my hands across his jaw, along his blonde beard to store the memory of his face in my fingers. “Calder, what I’m saying is, you deserve to be happy. We don’t always have to be heroes. We’re only human, the most we can do is our best. And that’s just going to have to be good enough. Even if it’s not, it’s not our fault that people are cruel, disgusting, harmful, perverts. We can make a damn good effort, but we can’t fix all the wrongs in the world. So do what you can my love, but don’t let it kill you. Okay? Don’t take on more than you can handle. And if something is too much, then it’s okay to admit that. It doesn’t mean you don’t have any worth. You’re incredibly worthy of everything good life has to offer. At least, that’s what I think. Depends on whether or not you value my opinion.” I roll my eyes, teasing him as I roll away.
I’ve said that for his benefit because he deserves a full life and because I do believe he can find other ways to help, ways he’s cut out for. The other reason I told him that is because I don’t want him to suspect what I’m about to do because he’ll want to help but I want to spare him.
He grabs me back, laughing and I can’t believe it, it’s beautiful to hear. “Come here, you’re not going nowhere,” he says in oblivion, kissing me on top of my head.
Okay, Julissa. Up and out,I think to myself.
“But I spent all that time cooking. Are you sure you’re not ready for something to eat?” I ask him.
He yawns and stretches. “Okay, why not?” He sits up.
That was too easy and I’m filled with guilt as I walk toward the kitchen to share his dinner and pour him some wine which I make just a little special, pouring a dosage of the sedative into his glass.
I hear his room door open and I hide the medicine, turning around to see him coming my way. I spin around to smile at him, handing him the food. “Enjoy,” I tell him, walking away.
“Wait, you’re not going to eat with me?” he asks.
I grapple with my answer. I want to go and get ready to greet Mikhail but I don’t want to leave Calder here for the sedative to kick in while he’s in the dining room. That would be hard to miss if he’s sprawled out unconscious on the dinner table. I stutter, “I ate before you came and I’m still full. I can see how tired you look, why don’t you have it in bed? I’ll come and pick up the tray after.” I smile.
He smiles back at me, getting up from the table with the food and wine in his hand. He walks over to me and gives me a peck on the cheek, my pulse is pumping so loud I’m afraid he might hear, I feel like such a horrible person as he says, “Thanks.”
“Anytime,” I reply and hurry to get a tray which I extend while he places the stuff on it and carries it to his room. Whew. Thank goodness he agreed.
* * *
I change into clean lingerie and make myself smell amazing. Then I collect the tray from Calder’s room.
As I’m leaving his room, the front door closes and I’m standing face to face with Mikhail.
He looks up at me and I stare at him. After some silence, he says, “Hey. Did I interrupt something?” He looks at my lingerie.
“No. You’re just in time,” I tell him with a smile.
He’s shocked at the fact that I’m smiling at him since yesterday we didn’t exactly end the day on speaking terms. He quickly puts his keys on the hook by the door and kicks his shoes off. “In time for what?”
“I made dinner. Calder just had his, he’s asleep. And yes, we had our fun but that was earlier. I showered. This lingerie is for you.” I sashay away to put the tray down before turning around to look at him.
He’s skeptical but he’s not mad at it. He starts making his way over to me with a questioning smile. “Why?”
He leans past me to wash his hands and I can smell oil and gasoline on him, making my head dizzy. When I came up with my plan last night, I decided not to be mad at Mikhail anymore because I wasn’t relying on him to emotionally support me. I’ve given up on expectations and in being able to let go of those and make my decision on how to move forward, I’m able to see him as a man who’s just scared and he’s not to be ridiculed for being scared. Do I still think he’s a coward? Yes. But do I still expect him to do anything about it? No. I’ll handle it.
So the truth is the same for him as it is with Calder. I just want to remember the times between us that feel good. Since this is our last goodbye, it makes no sense to cry over what was lost because in the end, I still love him and that’s all I want to focus on.
“I forgive you,” I tell him as he puts his hand on either side of me, making me feel the warmth of his body and causing the scent of gasoline to become even more intoxicating.
