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“Just let me tell you,” he pleads, and I nod. “In the beginning, I had it under control. And then it reached a point where I missed class ’cause I couldn't get my hands on another dose. That was when I realized I had a problem. So, I transferred to NHU and tried to get ahold of my life by getting everything I had back.”
“You mean Tessa, don't you?”
“Yeah,” he sighs. “But she had already moved on with Asher. Zayn and I moved in together, and while it was fun, I still felt this huge void. I met Blade at a party one night. I didn't have a lot of money, so he offered to exchange drugs for work. If I dealt for him and helped him out with things, he would give me my cut in pills.”
His words cut like razor blades straight to the heart. Knowing this is what he was doing while I was away at school, it hurts. But instead of saying anything, I let him continue.
“At first, it was fine. I had enough to get by, and the things he was making me do really weren't that bad. Zayn noticed I was getting a little too wrapped up in it, but I acted like everything was fine. To be honest, I didn't want anyone to try to stop me.”
“And then Tessa and Asher split up, and I saw her just as heartbroken as I was when I left for UCLA.” He pauses to take a breath and shakes his head. “I don't think I've ever seen her so distraught. She just wanted something to make the pain stop, and I wanted to give her whatever she needed. So, I gave her some, and watched as she fell down the exact same hole I did.”
“I kept telling myself it was fine. That Tessa was stronger than I was. That if she wanted to, she could stop. That one day she would wake up and just be happy again, and the need for the pills would be gone. But instead, she just fell deeper and deeper, until one night, she took them all. She almost died, and it was my fault, Mila.”
I shake my head. “You didn't make her take them. She chose to, completely on her own.”
“But I'm the reason she had any to take in the first place.”
“I don't care,” I say adamantly. “And I'm sure if you were to call her and tell her what you're telling me right now, she would say the exact same thing. Whatever she was going through was a lot bigger than you.”
He sighs, and I can tell he doesn't fully believe me, but he continues on. “After that, I kind of spiraled. Tessa went back to Asher, and I spent every second blaming myself for what happened to her. I started taking more pills and becoming more reckless, and Blade saw that and took advantage. When he started giving me more dangerous things to do, and in return, more pills, Zayn stepped in.”
Tears are streaming down my face as I realize where he’s going with this.
“He sat there with me, day and night. Thr
ough all the withdrawals and vomiting. He listened to me scream at him about how I should just kill myself. I'd punch him in the face, and he would just hold me down until I finally exhausted myself and fell asleep. And I didn't know until last night, but to get me away from Blade, he took my place.”
It takes me a second to remember how to breathe, and I instantly feel horrible for every bad thing I've ever said to Zayn. “He saved your life.”
Easton nods. “He did, and I'll never be able to repay him for that.”
“Why didn't you tell me before?”
He chuckles dryly. “Tell you that your big brother is a recovering junkie? Not exactly the thing to bring up over Christmas break.”
I elbow him playfully. “You know what I mean, jerk.”
He shrugs. “I guess I just always wanted you to feel like you could look up to me, and addiction kind of ruins that image you have of me.”
“Don't be stupid,” I tell him. “There's not a thing you could do that would affect how I see you. I know you're not that guy. And besides, I dated a drug dealer without realizing he was one. What's that say about me?”
He snorts. “That you're oblivious, but we already knew that.”
“I like to call her adorably naive,” Kennedy says, appearing in the doorway.
She's wearing one of Easton's T-shirts and a pair of his sweats that have to be rolled up at least five times. I notice the way Easton bites his lip out of the corner of my eye, and I pretend to be disgusted. In all honesty, it's nice to see him with someone who makes him happy. He could do a lot worse than Kennedy, and she could do a lot worse than him.
“Ready to go to bed?” she asks him, and he nods. Before they leave the room, she turns to me. “Are you okay?”
“I think so,” I answer. “Are you?”
“Yeah. Tomorrow we'll go find out what's going on and talk to housing.”
“Sounds good,” I tell her, and with one more hug from my brother, they disappear up the stairs and into his room.
It may only be eight, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't exhausted. Between last night and today, I'm emotionally drained and could really use a coma right about now. I make my way upstairs and I'm just about to pass Zayn's room when I hear the soft sound of “Sex On Fire” from under the door.
I knock softly on the door, only for Zayn to open it a few seconds later. He smiles softly at me and steps aside for me to walk in. It's exactly the way it looked the last time I was in it, when I thought I was getting everything I had ever wanted. And strangely, it still feels that way.
