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"It fucking matters to me! You just left. You kissed me goodbye, and promised that we would be all right, and then disappeared. You disappeared from my life like it was the easiest thing in the world to do!"
"You think that was easy? " I balk. "You think I didn’t spend every goddamn second for months wishing I could just talk to you?" Standing up, I step away from him to gain some distance. "It wasn’t easy for me, Jace. No part of anything was easy for me. "
"Then why’d you do it? Why’d you throw us away and give me no reason whatsoever?"
"Because I loved you!" The confession rolls off my tongue before I can even try to stop it. "Because I was so hopelessly in love with you that I was losing myself, and I thought it was better to let you go than to allow myself to believe that one day we would be something we weren’t."
He has no answer to that, and I didn't expect him to, so I start walking away to go back to my car. But as I get a few steps away, I stop.
"I didn't leave you, Jace. I set you free."
He murmurs something that sounds like I wish you hadn't, but it clearly wasn't meant for me to actually hear. His head stays down, with his eyes focused on the ground, so I leave him sitting there alone—which seems to be exactly how he wants it.
Sitting in this therapist's office is nothing new to me, but the feelings coursing through my body are ones I haven't felt in a while. Paige told me she was in love with me last night, and while there are a million other ways I would have rather heard those words softly spoken instead of being screamed like she genuinely wanted to punch me in the face, I heard them. And fuck did I feel them. It's the first thing I've felt in a year that wasn't pure agony.
Dr. Clitman keeps asking me questions and waits a few minutes for my answer, but she doesn't get any. This is how these appointments always go. She talks, and I pretend I'm not listening. But I am. A part of me always is.
"Anything new happen since our last session?"
I don't mean to have any kind of response. Hell, I'm not even looking at her, but she sits up in her chair and writes something down before putting the notebook on the table.
"Well, whatever or whoever it is, I hope you stick with it."
My head jolts up. "I didn't even say anything."
She smiles at me in a way she shouldn't, given that I've done nothing but waste her time the last few weeks. "You didn't have to. Your body speaks volumes even when you don't."
"Oh yeah?" I sit back and stroke my chin. "And what exactly did my body tell you?"
"When I asked you if there was anything new happening since our last session, the corner of your mouth twitched," she explains. "You did something else, too, but we're not going to get into that just yet."
I almost laugh at how ridiculous she sounds, but I manage to hold my composure. "And because my mouth twitched, that means what?"
"It makes you happy, or at least brings you a little joy." She has so much confidence in what she's saying. "It's the first time I've seen that on your face since we started."
Thinking back at the conversation with Paige last night, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little relieved. After all, I spent this whole time thinking she ghosted me because I meant so little to her or because she met someone else at school. I mean, I'm a little ticked off that it could have been avoided if I was just honest with her when Carter told me to be, but I'm not about to admit to anyone that he was right. Not now. Not ever.
"Your next appointment is Friday at two," she tells me as she opens the door. "I'll see you then."
It's not optional. We both know that. And while it drives me up a wall, I'm not about to ditch her. She would tell my dad, and my trust fund would vanish in a puff of smoke—along with my ability to support my bad habit.
Being around Paige makes it easier. I can't explain it, exactly, but it's like she eases the pain a little. Between having her near me, and the pills I've been taking, I'm finally starting to feel like I can breathe again. Now I just have to make her want to be near me, too.
THE WRAP-AROUND DRIVEWAY is filled with cars, one of which being the exact one I'm looking for. I make sure the package I just grabbed from Rinaldo is safely tucked away and out of sight, and then I jump out of my car and run up to the door.
Hearing the fancy doorbell ringing through the house always manages to make me laugh. It's something Paige has hated as long as I’ve known her. She says it makes her house sound like it's meant to be filled with things you can't touch and snooty rich people, and that it's not cozy. Leave it to her to complain about a doorbell.
The door opens, and Mrs. McAllister greets me with a smile. "Hi, Jace."
"Hi, Mrs. A."
She opens the door further to let me in and away from the rain. "Peyton is with doctors for the next couple hours or so, but you're welcome to stay and wait if you'd like."
"Oh." I rub the back of my neck to ease the discomfort. "I'm actually here for Paige."
As if I thought her into existence, her voice fills the room. "I've got it, Mom."
I look up to find her at the top of the stairs. Her hair is tied back, and she's wearing a pair of sweatpants with a shirt knotted into a crop-top. As she makes her way down, I'm so sucked into her that I don't even realize her mom left until Paige is standing in front of me.
