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"Then tell me!" he shouts. "Tell me what the fuck you were doing that night. Why were you alone with her?"
"Stop," I beg as the memories come flooding back, but he won't let up.
He steps closer and gets in my face. "What were you doing up on that roof that night?"
"Everything you fucking wouldn't!" I snap. "She was up there because of you. Because you were too goddamn selfish to actually comfort your girlfriend for once in your life."
"And that makes you mad, doesn't it?" It's like he knows exactly what buttons to push, and he's pressing every single one of them. "It pisses you off. Admit it! You're fucking pissed, and it's not even at me!"
"Fine!" I cave, and it's like the mile-high wall I built for the past year to block out all this shit comes crumbling down. "Yeah, I'm pissed! I'm angry at a dead girl. How fucked up does that make me, huh?"
I run my fingers through my hair, and can't even bring myself to look at Paige right now, but I know she's listening to every word of this.
"I'm pissed that she got drunk and thought the best place to go was up on that roof. And I'm pissed that she had me whipped enough to get me to go up there with her. And I'm fucking pissed that she died and left me here to deal with the aftermath!"
Stopping to take a breath, I can feel my chest tightening. The anxiety is creeping in as I mentally relive everything that happened that night. This is exactly why I never wanted to talk about it. Because letting in the memories is agreeing to let them break me, and I honestly don't think I can make it out of all that alive.
"You want me to talk about my feelings? Fine. But I'm not doing it sober." I take a step away from Carter. "I can't."
Paige is curled up into a ball on the couch, looking like her entire world just crashed down in front of her, and I know the feeling. But if I don't get another fix right now, I'm going to end up having an anxiety attack that sends me on a one-way train to hell—not that I don't live there every damn day of my life.
I grab the last pill from the bottle, but just before I go to take it, Carter comes in and rips it from my hands.
"The fuck is your problem?"
He completely ignores me and goes back into the living room, not stopping until he stands in front of Paige and slams the pill on the coffee table. "You want to take it? Then you're not going to hide like a fucking baby in your bedroom. You're going to do it right here. Looking us in the eyes."
Shaking my head, I narrow my eyes at him. "You want to hate me, fine, but don't do this shit to her."
Carter shrugs. "I'm not doing anything to her, Jace. This is all you. You want her to stay even though you're a total train wreck, right? Then really show her."
I don't want to. I don't want to hurt her, but I also can't go without taking that pill.
Paige watches me as I cross the room and pick the oxy up off the coffee table. Her eyes stay locked with mine as I put it on my tongue and swallow it down. The second I do, she looks away and breaks out into sobs.
I turn to Carter, who does nothing but stares back at me. "Are you proud of yourself?"
He doesn't back down. Not even for a second. "Are you?"
Bringing my attention back where it matters, I go to comfort Paige, but she pushes me away. She doesn't want me anywhere near her, and honestly, I can't blame her for it. I'm a piece of shit. A pussy of a man who can't handle my past, can't keep a girl happy, and can't go twelve fucking hours without getting high.
Trust me, baby. I don't want anything to do with me either.
Even while high, pulling any details of what happened that night out of Jace is nearly impossible. Every time he even got close to talking about it, he would go into fight or flight mode—which resulted in Carter's quickly blackening eye and three holes in the living room wall.
Watching him get high right in front of me, paired with everything Carter was saying, it hurt—but he wasn't wrong. However, when it comes to forcing Jace into confronting everything that happened, he's far from right. With how traumatized Jace is, I don't think we should be forcing him into anything, and by the fifth time he freaks out, I refuse to let it go on any further.
"That's enough!" I shout. "He's had enough."
Carter looks at me like he can't believe I'm stopping him. "He needs to get it out."
"No. The only thing you're doing is pushing him deeper into whatever the hell is wrong with him. Leave it the fuck alone! It's done for tonight!"
I don't give him a chance to stop me as I grab Jace's hand and pull him into the bedroom. He lies down on the bed, and I run my fingers through his hair. Between the effects of the medication, and the emotional toll of tonight, it only takes a few minutes before he's sound asleep.
A part of me wonders if I should stay. If he's been having nightmares, he's almost guaranteed to have one tonight, but I also ha
ve to think of me. Tonight was hard. And I'm starting to realize that this goes a lot deeper than I originally thought.
