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"I mean, her death was my fault!" I throw my hands in the air. "She knew about the roof access because of me. She was fighting with Carter, because of me. She was upset, because of me. I may not have physically killed her, but I didn't save her, either."
"Is that why you mentioned possibly pleading guilty? Because you blame yourself?"
I huff sarcastically. "Well it's not like I'm innocent. If she had just stayed away from me, she'd still be here today, ruling Tallahassee with her golden stilettos."
"That's an unhealthy, and unrealistic, assumption to have." Reaching forward, she grabs her clipboard with furrowed brows. "I'd really like to dig deeper into this because I'm afraid you're showing signs of self-sabotage."
"Self-sabotage?"
She nods once. "Mm-hm. You've convinced yourself that you have done something wrong, therefore you don't deserve happiness. So you do things that subconsciously you know will destroy that happiness."
I look away. "I don't do that."
"Then let me ask you this." She waits until I'm looking at her before she continues. "How does Paige feel about your relapse?"
Paige. The memory of the look on her face as she walked out the door replays through my mind and hits me like a gunshot to the chest. She's done so much to help me, to be there for me, and I hurt her. God, I'm so fucking selfish.
"She left me," I whisper.
"Is that why you relapsed?"
I shake my head. "She left me because I relapsed."
Dr. Litman gives me a knowing look. "And why did you relapse, Jace?"
"Because I'm a fuck-up," I cave. "A lost cause. Everyone has these hopes that I'll win this case when they'd be better off just leaving me to rot!"
She comes over and stands directly in front of me. "You relapsed because you knew it would push her away. You knew she would figure it out eventually, and she would leave."
"I didn't want her to leave!"
"Maybe not, but a part of you did," she tells me. "The part of you that believes you don't deserve her love did."
My shoulders sag as I realize she's right. "But I love her."
"I know you do."
I grip my hair and tug as I pace the room, realizing that Paige is gone. She's gone. She left me. She's gone. And there is no one to blame but myself. I have to fix this.
“I want to get better," I say decisively. "I have to get better for her.”
"Jace," she sighs. "It's good to have motivators in your life, but you can't do it for her. You need to want to get better for you. Otherwise, it's never going to work."
"You don't understand." I stand there in front of my therapist, completely defenseless. "Wanting it for her is wanting it for me because I am nothing without her! Not even a shell of the man I could be, and sure as hell not anyone I want to be."
The corners of her mouth raise as she sees my determination. "Okay. Then it looks like we've got our work cut out for us. And it starts with getting you sober again."
A COUPLE HOURS LATER, I finally get done with my therapist. While she wanted to send me to a rehab, the circumstances make that hard. I'm on house arrest, so I'm lucky I'm even allowed at her office. We could petition the courts to let me go to a facility, but that would only give the prosecution something more to hold against me. Therefore, it's up to me.
I walk out into the parking lot and am surprised to see Carter is still waiting in the car. I expected him to send Finn or my dad to pick me up. Then again, he always manages to be there for me, even when I don't deserve it.
As I walk around to the passenger side, Carter smiles at me and unlocks the door. I climb in and lay my head back against the seat.
"How'd it go?" he asks.
"Honestly? Better than I thought."
Smiling happily, he buckles his seatbelt and backs the car out of the parking spot. "I'm proud of you."
