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Haveyou ever felt like you were drowning? Like everything is okay, nothing is actually wrong, but you feel like the air is too thick to breathe and you can't seem to get enough oxygen in your lungs?
I feel it constantly. I can't tell if it's anxiety or the universe getting back at me. Like it's karma's way of making me feel what Alec did as he gurgled on his own blood. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me if I pissed off some higher power. I've known I was going to hell since the first grade, and what I did to Alec only wrote my fate in stone.
But Kennedy? Kennedy is a breath of fresh air. A dose of pure oxygen straight to my bloodstream. She makes all the bad things better and my demons tolerable. And every second she's around, her warmth finds a way to melt some more of the ice in me. But she deserves so much better than a soulless prick.
IT HAPPENS ON A Tuesday. Kennedy screams in the bathroom as I'm lying down, and I damn near break every limb I have jumping out of bed. I reach the doorway to find her standing there in a puddle of liquid with fear in her eyes.
“What's wrong? What happened?” I ask urgently.
She starts to breath heavily. “I-I think my water just broke.”
“Okay.” My tone is calm, because clearly she's not. “We're prepared for this. Let's clean you up and I'll call the doctor while I put the hospital bag in the car.”
Shaking her head rapidly, she cradles her belly. “No. I'm only a little over 37 weeks. We're not ready. I'm not ready.”
Careful not to step in the amniotic fluid that covers the floor, I get as close to her as I can and put my hands on her cheeks. “We are ready. And remember what they told you at our last ultrasound? As of last week, you're considered full term. It's going to be fine.”
“But what if he's not okay?”
A few months ago, Amelia jokingly gave me a Dad's edition of What to Expect When You’re Expecting book, but the joke was on her when I ended up reading every damn word of it. And it said this would happen. That worries happen when it comes time to give birth and exactly how to deal with them.
I give her a comforting smile. “Then the hospital is exactly where we want to be, isn't it?”
She thinks it over for a second and then nods. I call Amelia into the room and have her call the doctor while Zayn puts the bag in the car and I help Kennedy change her clothes. Once we're ready to go, we make our way downstairs and out the front door. It isn't until I get into the back seat with Kennedy that it hits me.
I'm becoming a dad today.
WE GET TO THE hospital to find our OB/GYN, Dr. Gabriel, already waiting for us in the lobby. A nurse is holding a wheelchair for Kennedy and comes out to help her from the car. I leave the bag in the trunk, knowing Zayn will get it for me, and follow them inside while Z and Amelia park the car.
“Hey, Kennedy,” the doctor greets her. “How are you feeling?”
She lets out a shaky breath. “Is he supposed to be this early? I mean, I know he was measuring ahead of schedule, but is two and a half weeks too early?”
The doctor puts a hand on her shoulder as we get into an elevator. “Thirty-seven weeks is perfectly fine, especially for his size. And if I'm not worried, you shouldn't be either.”
To my relief, she seems to relax a little at that, and as the elevator starts to rise, I mouth a silent thank you to Dr. Gabriel.
EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT HOWhard labor is. How much it hurts. How it's the most intense thing a woman will ever go through. But my God, you don't understand it until you see it.
The contractions that rip through her body as it tries to expel our son.
The way she grips the bed to try to battle against the pain.
The fucking eight centimeter needle she gets in her back for the epidural.
All I'm saying is I've got a whole new level of respect for women after this. We might have to deal with the pain of getting kicked in the balls every once in a while, but at least we don't go through this shit.
Our friends sit out in the waiting room, all waiting patiently for the birth of our son, while Amelia is in the room with Kennedy and me. According to the text Zayn sent me an hour or so ago, even my parents are out there. Kennedy’s parents would probably be here as well if they weren’t on a safari tour in Africa. It's comforting, knowing everyone cares so much, but I have only one thing, one person, on my mind.
Everything is going well, and for a minute, I think we're through the freaking out stage. That is, until the doctor comes in and tells her it's time to push. As soon as she says that, it's like a switch is flicked, and Kennedy goes into utter panic mode.
“No,” she murmurs. “Not yet. Just keep him in there.”
I grab her hand and rub my thumb over it. “Baby, this is what we've been waiting for. You want to meet him, right?”
She starts to quiver, and a tear escapes and slides down her cheek as she looks at me. “It's not safe out here. There are psychos with guns and danger out here. I want to keep him in, where he's safe. He should stay where he is.”
My chest tightens as Amelia and I lock eyes. She's been so busy worrying about me that no one noticed how much she's struggling herself.
