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Stepping outside,I close the door behind me and shrink further into Easton's hoodie. Not because it's cold out, but because I need the comfort it provides. After finding out he lied about what he did with the drugs, it's as if I don't know which way is up. My brain is a scrambled mess of thoughts, and all I want to do is curl into a ball and close my eyes until it goes away.
Easton sits on the steps and smokes his cigarette. I almost just want to sit here and watch him. From the way tattoos cover his skin and the smoke he exhales lingers in the air, he's mesmerizing. But letting myself do that means letting myself get lost in him again, and that is one thing I won't do right now.
“Tessa said you wanted to see me,” I say as I sit down.
He won't look at me. Won't even so much as glance in my direction. “Please don't hate me after this.”
“You're scaring me.”
“There was a point where I scared myself.” He takes another puff of his cigarette, and when he exhales, he begins. “Before I came here, I was at UCLA. Tess and I had broken up before I left for school, and it sucked. I won't lie. The whole time we were together, I convinced myself we were just casual. But when I left, it didn't feel very casual anymore.”
I pull the sleeves over my hands as I listen, afraid of what comes next but not saying anything that will interrupt him.
“My roommate and a couple of our friends were taking pills, and anytime they did, they offered some to me. They promised it would help with the pain of missing Tess, so one day, I gave in and took them. For the first time, something helped. And that one time led to a dependency.
“When I realized I had a problem, I panicked. I transferred to NHU and moved home. In my mind, if I got my old life back, the one without the drug problem, that everything would be fine. But when I tried to get Tess back, she had already moved on with Asher.”
“Wait,” I stop him and take a breath. “I appreciate you telling me all this, but if it ends with you getting back with Tessa, I'd rather be left in the dark.”
He shakes his head. “That's not how it ends. She's happy in her relationship, and she's not the girl I want anymore.”
“Okay,” I say with a nod. “You can keep going then.”
“That doesn't mean it won't still hurt though.”
“That's okay. I'm a big girl. I can take it.”
Looking away from me, he doesn't fight it and continues. “When she shot me down, I felt the same way I did at UCLA. So, I fell back into the pills, and this time, I fell deeper. I got wrapped up with Blade and started working for him in exchange for drugs. I was sucked into a black hole. And when Tessa trusted me to help her after she and Asher broke up, I sucked her in with me.
“She started taking the pills for the same reason I did—to get over the pain of a breakup. If I wasn't so wrapped up in having her attention again, I might've noticed how bad she was slipping. But I didn't. Not until it was almost too late, anyway.”
He takes another puff of his cigarette, and I can tell this is hard for him to talk about. Goosebumps raise across his skin, and he twitches like he's seeing something different from his backyard.
“Your nightmares?” I ask carefully.
He nods. “One night, Zayn and I were having a party. Tess was high and drunk and in a good mood for once, until she saw a guy who had tried slipping something into her drink a couple months before that. I beat the shit out of him, of course. I'd do that for any girl. But he got a few hits in, too. Tess brought me upstairs to clean me up, and things got...out of hand.
“Maybe it was the adrenaline that clouded my judgment or the mix of drugs and alcohol, but I manipulated her into sleeping with me. If you ask her, she swears it wasn't rape and she yells at me when I call it that, but once I was in my right frame of mind, I realized how little she was into it.”
Pausing, he runs a hand over his face and tries to contain his emotions. I reach over and take his hand in mine so he knows I'm not going anywhere.
“I left my bedroom feeling like I was on top of the world, but she felt lower than she ever has in her life. I had told her where to find my stash so she could take another one, and I went down to grab a beer. When I got back, she had taken them all.
“The fact that she's alive is a miracle, because when she left my house on a stretcher that night, she was anything but. The paramedics were doing CPR to keep her heart beating but as they closed the doors, I heard one of them radio in that she had no pulse.”
I tighten my grip on his hand. “But she's okay. She's right inside. She's fine now. You don't have to blame yourself.”
He won't hear any of it as he shakes his head. “She's okay now because of Delaney and Asher and herself. The condition she's in now is in no way thanks to me.” Turning to face me, he stares into my eyes. “I ruined her, Kennedy, and I am so fucking afraid that I'm going to do the same to you. To our child.”
“You won't,” I say assuredly. “I know you won't, because you love us. Both of us. And you're smarter now. You didn't take the drugs Alec gave you, because you're smarter now.”
“What if I do?” His voice shakes as his vulnerability shows.
I reach up and place a hand on his cheek. “You won't. Tessa wasn't the only one who got better after that night. And maybe it took you a little longer than it did her, but you did it. You and Tessa both did.”
He leans forward and rests his forehead on mine, finally letting the tension leave his body. “You called her.”
It was a move that shocked even me, if I'm honest, but I felt helpless. I remembered that he was confiding in her. His thoughts. His fears. His nightmares. The only thing I wanted in that moment was for him to be okay. And she came running the second I asked her to. Not because she's in love with him, or because they share a romantic history, but because he's her friend and she cares. I think a part of me will always be uncomfortable when it comes to her, but this is a good step.
