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“No.” I respond immediately, but then sigh. “I don’t know.”
He takes one hand and begins playing with my fingers, almost as if he’s committing every inch of me to memory. After a few minutes of complete silence, he speaks again.
“Have you been eating?”
I close my eyes, debating whether I should lie or tell him the truth. I choose the latter.
“Not really.”
He takes a deep breath and then kisses the top of my head. “If you’re going to drink as much as you have been lately, you need to eat. That’s why you get drunk so easily.”
“What if I like being drunk?” I quip.
“Kayleigh.”
“I’m kidding, I get it. It’s just hard.”
He interlaces our fingers and rests our hands on my stomach. “I know babe.”
I try to ignore the butterflies that erupt at the sound of the pet-name.
TWO DAYS LATER, HOLDEN and I still haven’t figured out what we’re doing and what any of this means. One thing I do know, is that the guilt is eating me alive. I can’t look at Bree without feeling like I’m the worst person in the world. Yet, every time I go to put a stop to things with Holden, I can’t. I don’t want to. I want him, but he’s taken.
“What’s b
een up with you lately?” My roommate asks me.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been acting all weird and moody and depressed.”
I shrug slightly. “I haven’t been feeling well.” It’s not a lie, per-say.
She frowns. “Well, if there is anything I can do, let me know.” I thank her and she goes back to writing her paper.
I can’t keep doing this. If she found out, she would hate me. She should hate me. All she’s been is nice to me and I’m completely betraying her.
I take my phone out and begin composing a text.
Me: I think we should stop … whatever this is. I’m sorry.
I turn off my phone, not allowing anything to change my mind. I take one of my anxiety pills and burrow myself into my bed, letting the depression and sleep take over.
FRIDAY COMES QUICKLY, WHICH is good because that means I can spend the entire weekend avoiding the world. I haven’t turned my phone back on since I texted Holden. Thankfully, I’ve avoided him around campus too.
The professor releases my last class, and I immediately head towards my dorm. My weekend plan is to immerse myself in a Shameless marathon and block out everything. It’s the only thing that will distract me enough from thoughts of Holden.
Things would be so much easier if I could just go back to hating him.
The air outside is frigid, causing me to shiver and wrap my arms around myself. I’m almost to my building when someone calls my name. I turn around to see Caleb jogging toward me.
“Hey. I haven’t been able to reach you. Everything ok?” He asks, looking at me warmly.
I nod. “Yeah, sorry. I’ve just been super busy. Decided on a technology detox.”
He hums in acknowledgement. “Good for you. Some girls are glued to their phones and could never go off the grid.”
“Not me.” I shrug.
