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I’m frozen in place, not knowing whether to run or scream. It’s one of those instances of fight or flight, and I’m dying inside.
Chapter Twenty
I run out the door and into the yard, wanting to get as far away from that house as physically possible. The image of Holden with another girl is burned into my mind like a bad nightmare. I can faintly hear Dawson calling my name behind me, but I don’t stop – I can’t. Stopping would mean dealing with this, and that isn’t something I’m willing to do right now.
Maintaining a steady pace, I jog my way from Kappa Delta Phi to my dorm room. The pavement moves quickly beneath my feet, reminding me why I’ve always loved to run when I have too much on my mind. It’s an escape – from all the negative thoughts, the calories I’ve consumed, the girls Holden has slept with, the broken promises in my life.
By the time that I get to my destination, I can feel my phone vibrating incessantly in my pocket. I take it out, completely ignoring all the calls and messages from Caleb, Jason, and Holden. I open a text from Dawson asking me where I went and if I’m okay. I quickly type a response, telling him I’m safe and I’ll call him tomorrow. For all I know, he’s still with Holden, and I don’t want him knowing where I am – especially while he’s drunk.
For the first time in weeks, I enter my dorm room. It’s a bitter sweet feeling. The last time I was here was when I was grabbing more clothes to bring to Holden’s. We purposely waited until Brianna had class – that way he could help me without awkward tension. He did his best to make the situation easier to deal with. After all, I lost someone who I considered to be a close friend.
I ignore the image of a shell-shocked Bree, and immediately dive onto my bed. As soon as my head hits the pillow, the tears pour out like a waterfall. The self-criticizing comments run through my head repeatedly.
You’re so stupid for thinking you were enough for him. He probably made out with her because you’re fat. Why would someone like him be with someone like you? Silly girl, you should have known better.
Sitting up, I ransack my nightstand trying to find some of my anxiety medicine. My panic attack is building quickly and I need it now more than ever. I can’t remember if I brought it all to Holden’s, or if I left some here. As I tear apart the drawer, I’m faced with the reality that I may have to deal with this without it.
“Here.” Bree says, handing me a prescription bottle.
“Thanks.” I reply, slowly taking it from her and seeing that it’s mine.
She smiles sadly. “You had given me some to hold onto for you, remember?”
Now that she mentions it, I do. I wanted her to keep some in case of an emergency. Thankfully, she didn’t get rid of them. I pop open the bottle and take one out, putting it between my lips as I go get a bottle of water. As soon as I swallow the pill, I get back into my bed.
“Is everything okay?” She asks. I don’t answer, sobbing uncontrollably. “Did Holden do something?”
I look up at her through my tears. I’m half expecting to see her smirking, but to my surprise, there’s nothing but sympathy and worry in her eyes. Even when she has every right to be a bitch, she’s a total sweetheart.
“Can you say you’re surprised?” I respond. “I guess it’s what I get. Karma’s a bitch, right?”
She sighs, sitting down on the bed next to me. “Kayleigh, no one deserves to get hurt. I don’t care what happened between us. No one deserves that.”
She opens her arms and I go willingly. She rubs my back as I cry into her sweatshirt. She always has been the best shoulder to cry on.
“Come on. Let’s get you changed and then we’ll talk.” Bree helps me up so I can get into something more comfortable.
We end up talking about everything that has gone on since we stopped talking. She’s shocked to hear that I went home with him for Thanksgiving. Apparently, he had never even mentioned his family to her. I don’t tell her about his past, still respecting his privacy - despite his lack of respect for me. When I describe what happened tonight, she becomes angry.
“He’s such a fucking asshole.” She rants. “Why can’t he just treat someone right?! Why the fuck does he have to go and make out with anything with a mouth?!”
I don’t respond, just letting the tears fall at the thought of it. In spite of everything, I still wish I was with him right now. I want to be able to rewind time and keep this from happening. We’d probably be wrapped up in each other’s arms by now, comfortably tucked into bed. Oh, how I wish that was the case.
After a few hours of tossing and turning, I fall asleep – too exhausted to do anything else. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t dream of happier times on a boardwalk in Jersey.
I WAKE IN THE morning to a loud banging on the door. Luckily, Bree is already awake. She gets up and walks over to the door, groaning as soon as she opens it.
“What do you want, Holden?” She scoffs.
“Is Kayleigh here?” It sounds more like a plead than a question.
She looks over to me and I shake my head immediately. I don’t know if I can handle talking to him right now. I don’t even know what I would say. Everything’s still such a mess in my head.
“She doesn’t want to see you.”
Holden pushes past Bree and into the room, completely ignoring her yelling at him to get the fuck out. I sit up, my eyes still red and puffy from crying.
“Shit, Kayleigh. I’m so sorry.” He rushes over to me but I push him away.
