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“I don’t eat.” I confess. “And what I do eat, I keep record of inside that book.” This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about my disorder. I don’t know whether I feel guilty or liberated. Still, I’m nervous. No one except my best friend, Emily, knows about this. And on top of it all, Holden Rivers is the last person I wanted to find out.
“Why?” He asks, so simple yet so complicated all at once.
I decide to go with simple. “I don’t like the way I look.”
He looks at me in disbelief. The turning gears in his head can be seen in his expression. I wait patiently as he figures out what to say.
“I don’t understand.” He starts. “You’re beautiful.” My eyes widen and he quickly recants his words. “I mean, you look fine.”
I shake my head. “Please don’t start, Holden. I’ve heard all of this before.”
“But this is dangerous! You could die!”
“Heard that before too.” I mumble while rolling my eyes.
He suddenly looks angry. “Fine.” He spits, tossing the journal onto my bed. “Do whatever you fucking want. Who gives a shit what happens to you anyway?”
He storms out of the room, leaving me injured and confused by his words. Why does he care so much? It’s not like we’re friends. We don’t even like each other. He’s my roommate’s boyfriend - that’s all.
I take the journal from where it landed, and place it securely back underneath my mattress. I should have known better than to leave it out. I’m so stupid. It must always be hidden. Always.
BREE COMES IN TO get ready a couple of hours later. She’s brushing her hair, trying to talk to me about how annoying her professor is. I, however, can’t seem to get my mind off Holden. If he says something to Bree, she might tell my mother. Or worse, he could say something to his whole fraternity and I could end up being the laughing stock of the school.
“Kayleigh!” Bree yells.
I snap my head towards her and my inner turmoil goes out the window. “Huh? What?”
“Do you want to come with me tonight?” She repeats slowly.
“Go where?” I ask.
“The frat party at Holden’s.”
My initial reaction is to say no, but I hesitate. If I go, maybe I can get to Holden and convince him to keep my secret to himself. I swallow my pride, and the feeling like I’m going to vomit, and stand from my bed.
“Sure. Let’s go.”
Brianna looks shocked, but happy none the less. She grabs her purse and the two of us set out for the party. I just hope this doesn’t backfire in my face.
THE FRATERNITY HOUSE IS packed and the music is so loud I can barely hear myself think. I follow Bree into the kitchen and thank her when she hands me a beer. I don’t particularly care for the taste of it, let alone the number of calories in it, but I take it anyway.
I look around the crowded party, trying to catch a glimpse of Holden. To cover up my search, I take a small sip of the beer. Gross. How could anyone think this tastes good?
“Who are you looking for?” Bree asks me.
I turn back to her and see Holden standing behind her, his arms wrapped around her waist.
“Oh. No one specific. Just seeing if I know anyone here.” I lie.
How am I going to talk to Holden when he’s with Bree? I can’t bring it up in front of her, and the last thing I want is for her to think I have something going on with her boyfriend. I can’t stand him, let alone want to be with him.
Instead of pushing my luck trying to get him away from her undetected, I decide to wait it out. Bree and I dance together, the buzz from the alcohol kicking in rather quickly. Holden makes a remark about nothing being in my stomach, but thankfully no one notices.
Three drinks in, I’m wasted when Bree finally says she needs to use the bathroom. I take the opportunity to confront Holden.
“Can we talk?” I ask him.
He doesn’t seem happy. “About what?”
