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She nodded. “Have you done something that would top that?”
In terms of pain dealt and gore created? In fact, he had. Several things. But that particular event—something he’d done when the Perro Blanco cartel had their fist around the Bulls’ neck—sat especially heavy in his mind, primarily because the guy he’d skinned the hard way had done nothing to the Bulls. That had been a Perro job, farmed out to the Bulls as a reminder of who had the power in that relationship—and that it was not the Bulls.
He had trouble making any of the things he’d done square up with any notion of decency, but the things he’d done for his country or his club, things meant to right a wrong or avenge a hurt, he could find a place to put those and continue living his life. The shit he’d done because he, or his country, or his club, was too weak to say no, that weighed hard.
Being under the thumb of the Perros had made for some shitty years. Far worse than his time in camo.
If Kelsey really wasn’t freaked out that he’d skinned a man alive, maybe she could handle who he was. If he really wanted her—and he did—maybe he could shield her from the worst of him. Her father managed it. Maverick had done his share of dark work, and Kelsey adored him. Nothing like the shit Dex had done, but dark enough to be persuasive of his daughter’s mettle. She was showing him that spirit right now.
She was, after all, club.
So he gave up a fight that was making them both miserable and reached out to clasp her hand and pull her to him. “I want you, Kelsey. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Yeah?” she asked, suddenly shy and sweet again.
“Yeah.” He slid a hand into her hair, wound his fingers through that cool silk, and kissed her.
As his mouth covered hers, she whimpered softly and formed her shape to his, arching into him, snaking her arms around his neck again, sliding her graceful fingers into his short hair.
Her tongue greeted his, and she whimpered again, the sound desperate and greedy.
God, he wanted her. He wanted to tear apart everything between them, every piece of clothing, every doubt, every condemnation, until there was nothing in the world but their bodies. He wanted to bring her closer than that, draw her to him until their skin fused, until she was a part of him, until she was—
Freaked out by the intensity of his own thoughts, Dex broke the kiss and pushed Kelsey away. She gasped and gaped at him, heavy-lidded and lust-drunk.
“Dex? What?” She was panting.
So was he. “I—I don’t … know.”
He really didn’t.
“Please don’t stop. No more going in circles. Please.”
“I need to think.” He wanted to step back, get some distance so his brain would work again, but he couldn’t move. Then he saw that he was still holding her, his hands clamped over her shoulders, both keeping her at arm’s length and not letting her get any farther—which was exactly what he’d been doing to her metaphorically, right?
He needed to understand, because he needed to explain. That wasn’t something he did with anybody really, talk about his feelings, but she deserved it. And that was what you did when you were in a relationship, right?
Not that he had a great wealth of experience in that area.
And there it was.
He forced his hands to release her. Turning to face the slider and her patio beyond it—the snow was up to about three inches now and still falling—he cleared his throat.
Her reflection took one step closer to him but stopped there. He could see the hurt confusion in the glass. “Dex. Please.”
“I … uh … I guess I had some intense thoughts. Too intense. I’m not … I don’t … really …”C’mon, asshole. Get your shit together.Closing his eyes, he got his shit together.
Speaking to her reflection, he said, “I don’t have relationships. It’s a rule I’ve had for myself for a long time now. What I do, who I am, it’s fucked up, I know that. It’s not normal. Some of the shit I’ve done rides me all the time, makes my head dark as pitch. So I decided it was better if I didn’t try to be with anybody. You know?”
Her head dropped. She took a long breath and met his reflection again. “Okay, Dex. I get it. You should go, then.”
But he didn’t want to do that. “No, Kelsey—” Turning to face the actual woman instead of her reflection, Dex looked her straight in the eyes. “I don’t want to go. I should, but I don’t, and I’m tired of fighting with myself, and making you feel bad about it. I want you. I’ve wanted you for a while. I think I’m half in love with you already.”
Her eyes flared round and bright.
Before she could say anything, Dex pushed forward with what he wanted to say, what heneededto say. “That’s why I stopped. I’m feeling like I—I’m feeling all that. It’s intense, and too much. I just needed a breath, I think.” Calm had crept in, riding on the back of sense. “I don’t know what I’m gonna be like in a relationship, Kelsey. I really don’t.”
“Are you afraid you’ll … um, abuse me?” The last words shook a little.
