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They sat on oppositesides of their sofa. The thing was so old and had such a sag that when Siena sat at the end, she always felt like she’d slide to the middle if she wasn’t paying attention.
“I’ll try to explain about self-defense,” she said to start, “but I’m not sure I have very good answers myself.”
“I want to know about Cooper first,” Geneva countered. “Why isn’t he a friend? Was he mean?”
“No, he wasn’t mean. He’s been very ... helpful the past couple of days. He’s not a bad guy, Geneva. He’s not mean. It’s just ...” Sighing, she combed her brain for a way to explain without divulging details she meant never to share with anyone. “I think it’s kind of related to the self-defense stuff—”
“Did he hurt you?” Geneva cut in.
“No, no. Not at all. There’s more than one kind of safety. There’s protecting your body, and there’s protecting your feelings ...”
“Like with what happened with Luis and Jayce and Henry. They wanted to put their hands on my boobs, and when I wouldn’t let them, they made me embarrassed at school.”
“Right. Exactly.” Everything with guys was about boobs.
“Did Cooper do something like that to you?”
A tiny gremlin in Siena’s brain suggested it would be easiest to simply lie and say yes, Cooper had wanted something and made her feel bad for not letting him have it. But that was basically the opposite of what had actually happened—shehad wanted something, and hehadgiven it to her, and now she was embarrassed for being a pity fuck, but he hadn’t treated her like one. He was too smooth, too practiced a lover, too good an actor, to let on that he was only doing her a favor.
Right? He hadn’t actually been into fucking her, had he? He didn’t really want her, did he?
“No,” she answered. “He didn’t do anything wrong. But ...” But what? How could she explain this to her sister? God, she did not want to keep having this conversation. She didn’t want to keep having this fucking day. This fuckinglife.
“There’s also protecting your heart. Seeing that hurt could happen if you aren’t careful.”
“Isn’t that like protecting your feelings?”
“Not exactly. Protecting your feelings can be sort of ... surface level. Do you know what I mean?”
Geneva stared at Siena’s hands while she contemplated. “Like, somebody you don’t know can hurt your feelings?”
“Right. People you don’t know can hurt your feelings, but they don’t matter as much. It’s not too hard to get over that hurt. When you protect yourheart, you’re trying not to let somebody know you so well they canreallyhurt you. So bad it lasts a long time. So you try to keep your heart away from most people.”
Jesus. Was she giving her sister an important lesson about keeping her heart precious, or was she sitting here injecting her with a bolus of neuroses and commitment issues?
Also, did that meanshewas neurotic and had commitment issues?
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m not explaining it very well, sorry.”
Still staring at Siena’s hands, Geneva thought some more, then asked, “Are you protecting your heart from Cooper? Does he want your heart? Do you mean love?”
“Nononononono. No. We’re not talking about love, no.” A strange little giggle escaped her. “No. Not love. Nothing like that.” Siena bit down on her bottom lip to stop that stream of inanity.
“Then I still don’t understand.”
“I know.” She was going to have to divulgesomethingto get through this conversational thicket and arrive anywhere near a reasonable answer. “Okay. How about: I like Cooper, but I don’t want to spend time with him anymore because I might like him more if I do, and then my heart will get hurt. So I’m protecting my heart that way.”
“You heart will get hurt because you think Cooper will hurt it.” It wasn’t a question, more like a musing. She was working it out. “If he’s not mean, why would he hurt you?”
Oh look, more brambles.
Siena couldn’t say the truth, because Geneva might face the same fate someday—probably she would—and she did not want to sit here and tell her baby sister that no one would want her after she’d mutilated her body trying to save her own life.
“People hurt each other, Geneva. Even people who love each other hurt each other.”
