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She patted his chest and leaned back, giving him a smile. “It looks like you’re busy. Studying?” He’d signed up to retake his ASE certification test in a couple months, and he’d been studying in every free moment not taken up by taking care of her.
“Uh, yeah. Just trying to keep myself occupied so I didn’t go over to be with you. I was kinda comin’ out of my skin thinking about you. I can study later.”
“Go ahead and get back to it. I’m gonna get in the shower and wash the day off, then maybe we can order some food in?”
“Sure. Whatever you want.”
She set her hand on his face and brushed her thumb along his cheekbone. “I’m okay, Jake. You don’t have to keep setting your whole life aside to take care of me.”
He took her hand in his and brought it to his mouth to kiss it before he said, “First, you’re not okay. I see you getting there, but I see you’re not there yet. Second, I’m not setting aside my whole life. I’m working, and I’m studying.”
“But only that. You’re not going out with Duncan. You’re not hanging out at your clubhouse. You’re not seeing your folks. You’re taking care of me all the time.”
He frowned, and a glimmer of hurt flashed in his eyes. “Do you want me to stop? Am I being annoying?”
“No. God, no. When I came in and saw you, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in hours. But I don’t want to lean on you so hard that’s all we do—I lean, and you take it. I don’t want that to be who we are.”
“We’re not that. This is a fucked-up thing that happened, but it’s not what life is always going to be. Besides, I like being here for you. I like that you need me. You need to lean, and I want to take it. Isn’t that what love is supposed to be? Sharing good times and bad times? Getting each other through it?”
When they’d first met, Jake’s youth was something she’d noticed routinely. She’d felt older than him, and she’d seen inexperience in him. It hadn’t bothered her, but she’d thought of it often. But since her father’s death, she’d almost forgotten that Jake was younger. He’d stepped up so completely, taken care of her so well, handled things she couldn’t have handled in her grief, the difference in their ages had been erased.
She smiled up at him. “Yeah, that’s what love’s supposed to be.”
“Then let me love you,” he whispered and bent to set his mouth gently on hers.
“Okay,” she breathed against his lips.
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~oOo~
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Something happenedto Petra the moment the hot water hit her. As if the shower spray washed away the armor she’d wrapped around herself, her strength collapsed, and it was all she could do to stay on her feet. Grief and anger and exhaustion all consumed her, and she leaned her forehead on the glass-tiled wall, let the water rain down on her neck and back, and ... just ... completely lost her shit. Sobs exploded from her chest. She cried so hard snot ran down her face and mixed with the shower water. She cried so hard she drooled.
She didn’t know where this breakdown was coming from. It wasn’t like she’d locked her emotions away. She’d cried often in the past month—she’d cried throughout this past day. There had been spells of numb disassociation, and there had also been times she’d forced herself to push her feelings down so she could accomplish necessary tasks, but she’d felt her emotions—deep, wrenching emotions—and expressed them.
Yet now, it was like she’d been skinned, like every nerve ending was exposed and screaming.
As violent pain juddered through her body, the emotion fueling this breakdown began to crystallize in Petra’s understanding. This wasn’t grief. This was fury. Poisonous, vengeful rage.
She’d known she was angry at her father, butthatwas the emotion she’d tried to push away. Her anger came with guilt and betrayal, and it was too much weight to carry.
Now, though, it had landed on top of her and broken her back.
She was sofuckingfurious. He’d left heron purpose. He’d made her an orphanintentionally. He was weak, a coward, and he’dabandonedher.
And why? Because the consequences of his mistakes had caught up to him. How many times in the past five years had Petra tried to help him stay in AA? Or get him into private therapy? How many ways had she reorganized her life so she could keep an eye on him? How many times had she begged him to get help, asked him to do it for her?
More times than she could count. And every time, he’d said he would, and then failed before he’d given it much of a shot.
He’d stopped drinking when he was a young man because her mother had been pregnant, and she’d asked him to stop. He’d been sober for decades on that promise. But after Mom was gone, he couldn’t do the same for Petra.
She was SO FUCKING ANGRY. The thought that shehatedher father was in her head, he’d put it there by doing this awful thing, and she wanted it OUT.
Cool air washed over her back, and she heard the shower door click. Before she could make sense of those changes, Jake was behind her, slipping his arms around her.
Her whole body stiffened; she couldn’t bear being restrained right now.
