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Knowing that every word was a shovelful of trouble—Jesus fuck, was he going to ruin what he’d just realized he had?—Jay kept going. “I’ve never been with a bisexual woman before. As far as I know. It just feels like ... fuck, I know I’m saying this wrong, IknowI am.”
“Go ahead,” she said, her voice softer. She reached out and set her hand on his knee. “I want to know. You don’t have to say it perfectly.”
“I guess ... I guess it feels like a lot of competition.” She flinched at that, and her hand left his knee. Though he didn’t understand why she flinched, he tried to back away from it as fast as he could. “That’s not the right way to say it. It’s just I feel like the one thing I can add to your life is a dick, and you’ve got at least three in your bathroom that are more impressive than what I’m packing.”
She stared at him, eyes wide and mouth slack.
“I didn’t say it right at all.”
“Jake.” His name was a gasp that trickled sadly from her mouth. Had he really fucked it all up? Already?
“I’m sorry. Can we go back like five minutes and pretend I didn’t say anything?”
She shook her head.Fuck.
When she finally, finally spoke, she said, “Your dick is beautiful, Jake. But you have to know that that’s not what you add to my life, right? And not because I have bigger dildoes. For one thing, a hunk of silicone isn’t comparable to real flesh. A dildo is just a toy, Jake. It’s not a replacement for something missing. It’s just a toy. Thepersonis what’s sexy. And that’s the most important thing:youare what you add to my life. Not just your body.You. Do you not know that?”
He did, actually. Today, tonight, he knew it. But, maybe because he didn’t knowwhyshe wanted him, even needed him, his insecurity lurked in the corner, waiting for its chance to come back.
Trying to dig until he came out on the other side, he said that: “I do. I just don’t know why.” Before she could respond, he continued, “I mean, Petra, come on. You’ve got so much more going on than me. We list out our accomplishments, my list is gonna stop on about the second line, and yours is gonna fill the page. I’m a pump jockey and an outlaw—and I don’t think those are even accomplishments. But you have a degree, you’re a gorgeous dancer, you own this apartment, you own a business, you collect art, just ...” he let the list die off with a sigh.
After another spell of considering silence, Petra said, “SoI’mthe competition you meant?”
“What? No! I don’t feel competitive with you. Just ... in awe of you. The competition is basically every other person in the world.”
When she laughed, Jay narrowed his focus, but he didn’t see contempt or anything like it in her eyes. Just actual amusement. He didn’t know whether to be hurt by that or not.
She shifted to sit beside him and hooked her arm through his like they were about to embark on a promenade around a park. “I don’t care about your accomplishments, Jake, except for the things you want to accomplish for yourself. Like that exam—that’s important to you, so I hope you pass it. And I’ll do anything I can to help you do that. I don’t care what your job is. I don’t care that you’re a Bull. I care that you’re a good person.”
“But I’m not that, either. You are—you’re anawesomeperson. You’re smart and nice and you treat people good, and you try so hard to see everything in the most positive way. I’m nothing like that.”
“Sure you are! You’ve been nothing but gentle and considerate with me. You’re steady. You’re there when I need you. You’ve made friends at Gertrude’s, and I’ll be honest, that surprised me. And it delighted me. That’s who you are, Jake. I know you feel like you have to put on a persona, to swagger and mouth off and act like you don’t care. I see that. I know you don’t want people to see behind that, butIsee behind it, and that’s the man I love. Who youare. Kind and considerate. Compassionate. Open-minded. Protective. Youtry, Jake, and that’s the most important thing in a relationship. Two people who try together.” She tipped to the side and rested her head on his shoulder. “Even this talk. You were nervous to say it, and I was nervous to hear it, but we didn’t run away from it. Some of it hurt me a little, and I think some of it hurt you a little, too, but we tried. And now we understand each other a little more deeply. Yeah?”
Jay nodded. He’d been on a rollercoaster ride through Petra’s words, feeling every emotion he could name, from despair to elation, but four words in the middle had sent him down the highest hill with his stomach in his mouth:the man I love.
“You love me?” he asked, failing to make his voice more than a whisper.
“I love you,” she answered without hesitation.
Jay withdrew his arm from her hold and wrapped it around her. He pulled her tight and kissed her head. “I love you,” he said, “I love you so much.”
It was the first time he’d ever spoken those words to a woman he wasn’t related to.
This was the first time in his life he’d felt a love like this.
