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“I’m glad,” he said as he squeezed my hand. Halfway through the drive, I fell asleep with my hand still holding on to Scott’s tightly.
27
Luke
I slumped on the couch and wondered if I could nap for a while. I needed to get dinner ready, but maybe I could squeeze in a short nap. I was pretty sure Scott wouldn’t mind getting take out anyway, since he kept insisting I was spoiling him with all the homemade food.
My phone buzzed just as I was about to force myself to get up and change. I pulled it out of my pocket and all thoughts of sleeping flew out of my head when I saw who was calling. My hands started shaking and I barely managed to receive the call.
“H-hello?” My heart was thundering in my chest as I waited for an answer. Why would the DA’s office be calling me unless it had something to do withhim?
“Hello, am I speaking to Mr. Luke Smith?”
“Yes.”
“Mr. Smith, this is Matthew Norman from the DA’s office. I’m sorry for calling this late but I thought it’d be a good idea to let you know.”
“Let me know what?” My voice was a whisper, and in my heart, I was praying that Marcuswas dead and I’d never have to see him again.Please let it be good news.
“Uh, Marcus Frazier is being released on parole in a week.” Marcus had gotten off with a seven year sentence because his lawyer had managed to convince the jury that I’d been with him of my own free will. And now he was getting out after only spending a year and half in prison?
“Oh.” No. No. That could not be happening.
I didn’t remember ending the call. Or getting up from the couch. My thoughts were muddled together and it took me a moment to realize I was pacing in front of the kitchen counter. If he got out, he would come looking for me. I was sure he would. As much as he'd treated me like shit, to him I washis.He was crazy, a psychopath, and he would drag me back into that hell the moment he was free.
Even though I tried to stop them, the awful memories attacked me, the threats ringing in my ears along with the ghosts of various pains he’d inflicted on me over the years.
You’re never leaving me, bitch. You'remine.
If you ever try to run, I’ll find you. And once I do, it’ll be so much worse than this.
No one touches this body but me, got it? You’remyslut and if you let anyone even close enough to touch you, it’d be hell for you, but even worse for him. Remember that.
I froze. Scott. I couldn’t let him hurt Scott. But how would I stop him? He was a monster and he had already broken me enough for me to know that there was no way. If he found me, he would hurt me, but he would hurt Scott too. And I couldn’t let that happen. I was used to the pain. I could take more of it, but not Scott. Not my sweet, gentle Scott who had done nothing but love a man who would never be worthy enough of his love. He didn't deserve this. I had to keep him safe.
My eyes fell to the knife stand and I stilled. If I wasn’t there, if I was gone forever, he’d never be able to have me again. If I was gone, he’d have no reason to hurt Scott.
Before I knew it, I had the knife in my hand. It had been more than a year since I’d last cut myself. I hadn’t had the urge to do it even once these past few months, despite all the nightmares, despite all the therapy sessions that dragged up all the awful memories I’d been trying so hard to keep buried. And the only reason for that was Scott. Scott, who was always there for me when I woke up from a nightmare. Scott, who waited outside the therapist’s office every session with a promise of ice cream and movies and cuddles.
I owed everything to Scott. It was that thought that made me grip the knife tighter and hurry into the bathroom before I lost my nerve. I sank to the floor with my back to the sink and wondered if Scott would hate me. He was the one person I could always trust, and I loved him. I loved him so much. Which was why I would do this. I’d rather die than let the man I loved get hurt because of me.
I placed the blade on my wrist and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Scott.” Before I could slice down, a thought made me stop. I didn’t want to hurt Scott, but wouldn’t this hurt him too? I knew he loved me just as much as I loved him. What would it do to him to come home and find me dead in the bathroom? I couldn’t do that to him.
The conversation with Rochelle from a few days ago ran through my mind, and I shook my head. Scott had already lost so much, lost so many people he loved. I couldn't break him like that. He’d told me he couldn’t live through another loss like that, and I believed him. I wouldn’t break him like that. I couldn’t. Scott was kind and sweet and gentle andwholeand I couldn't be the one to change that.I wouldn’t.
As that realization settled in, the need for an out grew inside me. An out for all this fear and anxiety that was wreaking havoc inside me. Just a little cut, just enough to distract me from the pain and fear I was feeling. I turned the blade and broke my year-long streak as I sliced down my forearm. I breathed out as my skin played catch up, and then the blood was there, bubbling out of the cut. This was a pain that I could focus on, a pain thatmade sense.
I watched the blood seep out, and a calm fog spread over my mind. I could feel all the pain and all thosefeelingsdrain out of me. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, enjoying the few minutes of respite before everything would come rushing back at me, intent on drowning me under.
28
Scott
Isteppedintotheapartment and frowned. I’d expected Luke to be home already, cooking in the kitchen and singing along to the radio as he usually was. But there was complete silence in the house. Maybe he’d had to stay late at work or something. I tried not to worry, but I did it anyway. Luke would’ve texted me if he was going to be late, right?
I looked around the room and saw that the bedroom door was closed. Was he in there?
Before I could check it out, I heard a thump from the hall bathroom, followed by a clatter. I walked towards the open door, shrugging my coat off and throwing it on the couch on my way.
