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Charles
Ipacedthelengthof my living room as my eyes drifted back to the clock once again. Fifteen minutes till I had to be at Brady’s café. I still didn’t know what to think of the man. I’d been absolutely mortified when I’d realized I’d unintentionally scared him by acting like a total imbecile. Now, here I was, about to talk to him for the second time today. I had no clue what I was going to tell him, but I knew that if I wanted to accomplish what I’d moved to a whole new city for, I needed to do this. If I kept waiting, I’d just keep making excuses and making myself miserable for even longer. I didn’t need to do that anymore. For the first time in my life, I had a chance to be myself, to be true to the person I was on the inside, and I did not want to give up.
I sat down on the floor in the middle of the room and closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself. I could do this. I could be myself without freaking out, and I could go talk to Brady about this. Even though we’d only talked for a few minutes, I’d felt a sense of ease when talking to him. His kind smile and his accepting words had told me that he just might be able to help me on this journey I’d decided to undertake.
I wasn’t sure when I’d decided I needed a person with me on this journey of finding myself, but Brady Knight seemed like just the right person. I just hoped this evening with him would pass as easily as our firstofficialmeeting had.
Feeling calmer and more in control of myself, I stood up and headed toward the front door. Just as I was about to open the door, I spotted the wrap I’d bought a few days ago hanging from the coat rack and came to a standstill before it. Could I wear it tonight? I hadn’t yet, always chickening out at the last moment. Brady was always so confident in the clothes he wore. Why couldn’t I be the same? The wrap was obviously made for women and was supposed to be worn without an undershirt, but I’d fallen in love with it when I’d seen it in the store. I’d planned to wear it as a jacket but had never quite managed to. It was black and made of a shimmery soft cloth that I really wanted to see draped over my skin.
Steeling myself, I grabbed the wrap off the hook, rubbing the soft material between my fingertips. I took a deep breath and slipped my arms through the sleeves, adjusting the wrap as it hung down to the top of my thighs. I was wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans, and I had no idea if the combination looked good or absolutely ridiculous. I really hoped it didn’t look too bad, though, because my first impression on Brady didn’t amount to shit, and I was really wishing this evening would go better.
I slipped on my boots and grabbed my keys, stepping out in a hurry so I wouldn’t be tempted to leave the wrap behind. Locking the door behind me, I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the lobby.
I froze when the elevator stopped at another floor, and a few people got inside. I’d never worn anything remotely different thanmen’sclothing out in the real world before, and I was regretting doing it now. I contemplated making an escape and taking the stairs back to my place to change, but the elevator was moving again before I could make up my mind.
My heart thundered in my chest so loudly all through the ride that I barely heard the ping as the elevator doors opened in the lobby. I quickly hurried outside, crossing my arms over my chest as I walked down the sidewalk, my heart still beating unevenly in my chest. The café was only a few blocks away from my apartment building, which was a blessing because I didn’t think I could’ve made it otherwise.
I came to a stop in front of the café and wondered what I should do next. Did I go into the café and look for Brady, or did I wait out here for him? Neither of the scenarios appealed to me, which was why I breathed a huge sigh of relief when Brady walked out of the café and headed straight toward me.
“Hey, Charles. You’re right on time. Come on.” He said it all in one go and then started walking again without waiting for me to reply. I followed him as he walked around the café to the back and climbed a staircase to the second floor. He unlocked the door and stepped inside, flipping on the lights, and I followed after him.
“Close the door behind you, please.”
I did as he asked and turned around just as something slammed against my ankle. I squeaked in surprise and almost fell over as I steadied myself with a hand on the door. Looking down, my eyes widened in surprise when I spotted the small, white ball of fluff that was rubbing itself all over my ankles.
“Cherry, calm down girl!” Brady called, and the dog—Cherry—looked up at me with dark eyes and a dark button nose that was almost hidden behind the long white fur. I grinned at how adorable she looked and kneeled down so I could pet her.
“Oh my god, she’s adorable. What breed is she?” I asked, turning to look at Brady as he grabbed something from the refrigerator in the open-plan kitchen on the other side of the room.
He glanced up at me with a bright smile as he walked over to us with two beers. “She’s a Maltese. I wouldn’t have been able to afford her, but someone gave her to me as a thank you present a few years ago.”
I looked back at Cherry, chuckling when I saw a pink ribbon tying up some of her hair at the back of her head. She looked almost regal, except for the lolling tongue, and I’d never seen anything cuter.
“Why don’t you get comfortable on the couch, and I’ll order dinner? Pizza okay with you?”
I gave him a nod. I loved cooking, so I’d spent the whole week eating homecooked food. Pizza seemed like a perfect break.
“Pepperoni and mushrooms?”
“Sounds good.” I got up off the floor and walked over to the couch, Brady following me as he placed the order on his phone.
“All right. Beer’s here. Pizza will be here in fifteen. I know we’re practically strangers, so I thought I’d tell you a bit more about myself before I ask you to share anything with me. How does that sound?”
I took a sip of my beer before answering his question. “Sounds good.”
“Perfect. You already know my name. I own the café downstairs, and I also work as a volunteer at a local LGBTQ+ nonprofit called Voice Out. I’ve worked there for a few years now, and I love what I do. From what you told me at the café, I got the feeling that you’re either questioning or exploring your gender. I’d be happy to help you in whatever way I can. Voice Out also hosts monthly support groups for everyone in the community, and the third Sunday of the month is when the nonbinary crowd meets up, if that’s something you’d like to look into.”
I rubbed my jaw as I contemplated everything he’d said. I didn’t usually believe in things like fate and destiny, but it was hard to believe I’d coincidentally crossed paths with this person who seemed like exactly what I’d been looking for. I gulped down more of the beer, letting its coldness wash over me as I tried to figure out what to say.
“For the longest time, I didn’t know what was different about me. I just knew there was something. I lived with my dad and my younger brother. And though I loved my dad, he was very strict and conservative. I knew I liked men when I was fifteen, but I never told him. He wouldn’t accept it, and he was the only parent I had. But there was still a part of me that I didn’t understand. There were days when I wished I wasn’t who I was, when I couldn’t even look at myself without feeling uncomfortable, and I had no idea why that was. I discovered what nonbinary meant when I was twenty-two, and even though I knew that it was me, that I was nonbinary, I denied it to myself for years because I was scared. I’d watched my dad swear and curse out my trans cousin enough times to know that he’d hate me for who I was. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I did a lot of research, and I figured out I might be genderfluid. I moved here for a fresh start and so I could start finding myself,my true self. But I’m not sure how to do that.” I ended with a shrug. It was only now that I realized I’d been rubbing the soft cloth of my wrap between my fingers as I talked, and I dropped it before looking at Brady.
“I think you’re on the right track, Charles,” he said, and his eyes narrowed slightly before he continued. “I can only imagine how hard it must’ve been to keep a part of yourself buried for so long, but I’m glad you’re not doing it anymore. If you want me to, I’d love to help you on this quest, and I’d very much like to be your friend and guide in this city if you want.”
“That sounds wonderful,” I admitted. I hadn’t been lying when I’d said I didn’t know how to go forward from here. Yes, I knew I was fluid. But now what? I’d spent so long ignoring my own wishes that I had no idea what I wanted anymore. Would Brady really be able to help me?
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
