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He had not shared it seeking sympathy. He had not shared it with emotion, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
It didn’t mean it wasn’t there.
“What is it you want?” He asked, straightening, setting his watch down on the nightstand.
She looked at his chest, broad and covered in dark hair. She was hungry for him.
Emotional turmoil aside.
But she wasn’t here simply because of the hunger. Simply because she was driven by desire for him.
No. She was here to try and make a new map of them. To draw them back to each other, so that they might be able to meet somewhere.
She did not wish to live in this house with them living different lives. Moving on different paths. She wanted to find a way to join him.
She was hurt. She was still terribly hurt by him. And this wasn’t going to make it go away. Not entirely. This wasn’t even really forgiveness. It was just reclaiming. And she needed that. She needed it desperately.
“I want my wedding night.”
She stripped her sweatshirt up over her head, and she had nothing underneath it.
And in spite of the fact that nothing she was wearing was particularly sexy, she could see him respond.
The fire in his eyes was instant. Burning bright.
“Why?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “But it’s my choice.” She pushed her pants down her hips, and took her underwear along with them. She had been naked in front of Krav any number of times. Countless times, and she had all of the memories now. She had been shameless with him. And she would be shameless now.
“But you didn’t force me into this marriage, I chose it. I’m choosing to be here now. Because what I want matters. I don’t want a cold marriage. I don’t want to simply be married to you and wander the corridors pale and listless, behaving as if I am one of your victims. I’m not a victim. Anymore than you have victimized me. I made choices that brought me here. I made a choice to be here now.”
“But, do you want me?”
“Yes. You know that I do. That has never stopped.”
“But, you do hate me,” he said, his eyes lit with black flame.
“Yes,” she said. “Part of me does. Part of me will never understand why you treated me so cruelly. I loved you so much, Krav. And you destroyed that. You looked at me as if I was nothing. As if you hated me.”
“I never hated you,” he said. “Only myself.”
The words hit her like a blow. He said them as if they were a simple statement of fact. Something that cost him nothing. And yet...she felt it. Deep and echoing in her soul.
“And what do you feel for me?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Because I lost the ability to truly feel my emotions the day I was taken away from my mother. And I’m not saying that to garner sympathy. You have asked an honest question, and you stood there and gave me honesty, so I’m trying to do the same. It doesn’t cost me anything to admit it. I’m broken.”
“Why? Because he said you were?”
“No. Because he was. And he raised me to be. And it doesn’t matter if I know, maybe in ways that he never knew such a thing about himself, the fact remains the same. I have learned to stand back and look at my feelings, but I have not learned to actually experience them.”
“I don’t believe that. I believe that there’s more.”
“Don’t. Don’t go down that road with me. I don’t actually want to hurt you.”
“You’re willing to. Emotionally.”
He nodded slowly. “Yes. I am.”
