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“I was jealous of the relationship they have,” came my words more slowly this time. “They looked so happy together. Totally in sync like a real couple.”
Dr. Mableton waited for me to finish. She was good. She always knew there was more when I couldn’t say it. But her silence and patience forced me to face my own demons and fears.
“They reminded me of what I had with Mason for a while,” came my slow words. “Witnessing them made me miss him.”
“Ah ha.” She scribbled on her notepad then looked at me with a professional but warm expression. “If you want that, you can have it, Beth. You told me Mason said he wants you in his life.”
I bit my lip again, uncertain. Talking about Mason always confuses me, putting me on edge while making my heart jump unsteadily.
“But how can I be with a man who treated me so bad?”
The doctor eyed me carefully.
“People make mistakes all the time,” she said, resting her hands on top of crossed knees. Gentle understanding radiated from that solid form. “If you want to be with him, be with him. Follow your heart if that’s what it wants. Be smart and love yourself just as much as you love him.”
I shook my head furiously. Was Dr. Mableton crazy? Had she forgotten what I’d said during our past sessions?
“It’s not that easy,” were my quick words. “I told you about the book, the pictures, all his pervert friends. It was so bad, he betrayed me, and you know ….”
The words went on and on as I re-hashed everything, words falling from my lips in painful torrents. Dr. Mableton waited patiently, listening to me rant and rave, the rush of emotion just as fresh and raw as before.
“I know, Beth,” she said comfortingly. “I know, and we’ve been over this before. But there’s hope for the future. There’s definitely hope.”
I stared at her.
“How is there hope? I don’t get it. I don’t even get what we’re talking about,” were my flat words.
“Beth, you’ve come here twice a week now for half a year. All you can talk about is Mason. And I understand what he did to you. But the man also sounded genuinely apologetic, like he’d re-do everything if he could. Have you taken that into account?”
My hackles raised.
“Of course I’ve taken that into account! But it doesn’t matter! He doesn’t get to hurt me like that, it’s not fair. It’s not right, no woman deserves to be treated that way.”
Dr. Mableton raised her arms, palms out to calm me down.
“I’m not saying that what he did was right. But from a professional perspective, I want you to look into yourself. What do you want? What would make you happy?”
The truth was, I had no idea. Be with Mason? Not be with him? Both options sounded terrible.
“I don’t know,” came my mumbled words. “I don’t know.”
Dr. Mableton tried again.
“It’s okay,” she comforted. “A lot of this is the process, putting things into words and evaluating your internal responses. But let me ask you again. What do you feel you’ve gotten from our sessions so far?”
I was puzzled.
“I guess … I guess it’s been good to talk,” came my small words. “It’s been good to tell someone the terrible things that happened to me.”
“To share your pain,” Dr. Mableton encouraged, nodding. “Victims often feel better if their stories are out in the open, instead of buried within. But let me ask you this. Now that it’s out in the open, do you feel better?”
I nodded furiously.
“Absolutely yes. But it doesn’t change what Mason’s done to me.”
The good doctor nodded again.
“That’s true. And it’s for you to decide whether you can make peace with it.”
“I can’t!” was my immediate protest. “I can’t, what happened was absolutely wrong,” I said vehemently.
The older lady was quiet for a moment.
“What if I told you that there are victims who marry their rapists? People who get acid thrown in their faces, only to fall in love with their attacker later on? Would you think it’s crazy?”
I could see where she was going with this.
“I’m not that,” were my quick words. “Those women aren’t me. They’re pathetic, and I deserve better.”
She nodded.
“I agree. Those women aren’t you, absolutely not. But I’m just putting it out there so that you can see the expansiveness of the human spirit. I’m not saying that what happened to you was right, or okay in any way. Only you can decide that for yourself. But I’d encourage you to look beyond the boundaries of any pre-conceived notions. Are you the type of person to forgive? What if everything Mason said was true? Would you be able to forgive him then?”
I sat back, flummoxed. Because straight off the bat, I assumed that the billionaire had lied. No one takes pictures like that only to keep them hidden. In his pocket all night? Yeah, right.
