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Iswallowed hard, barely able to achieve the simple movement.
I mean…
Damn…
Speechless, that’s what I was in this moment. Freakin’ speechless. My eyes went to his, and what I saw had me stumbling back slightly. That side of him… you know the one I said was hovering just above the surface of his psyche? Yeah, he was here, standing in front of me waiting for me to make the next move. I wanted to turn and run for the hills, but I knew I wouldn’t get far, he’d catch me and then what?
“Don’t test me,” he warned, pointing to the ottoman in front of the sectional and waited.
Okay, so… I sat my ass down on the ottoman. I took my time doing it, though, and I didn’t let up on my defiance. Once I was seated, I crossed my legs and waited for him to say or make the next move.
I did not, however, meet his eyes. I couldn’t. I could feel the power behind them as he studied me. As the silence continued, I felt the air around us heat to levels that I knew would scorch both of us if we weren’t careful.
Lock finally made a move, he walked around the couch and sat in front of me. He leaned forward and reached underneath the ottoman. I thought he was going for the album but when the ottoman started to move toward the couch, with me still sitting there, I started to panic.
My eyes went to his, questions swimming in my gaze. But he didn’t answer any of my questions. He just met my stare with his own dark one. Jeez-us.
“Now, let me address the shit swimming in your head,” he began once he had placed the ottoman, and me right where he wanted. “Am I over my wife?”
I held my breath waiting for him to reply. He had changed my statement into a question, and I wasn’t mad at it. Maybe I should have askedhimthe question instead of assuming or answering it for him. But what else could I have done. From the vibe I got from his behavior, since the day I met him, that was the conclusion I came up with.
“If you would have asked me a couple of months ago, I would have said no. I wasn’t over her.” he admitted, brining me out of my paralyzing thoughts. “Meeting MJ changed my life. She showed me how a marriage was supposed to be, having someone love you unconditionally. My parents weren’t good role models in that respect. My mother is working on her fourth husband. I don’t think she’s ever been in love. Maybe the closest she’s gotten was my father, but when he broke her, she said fuck it and did her own thing. I was sort of that way. I didn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage. I didn’t believe in falling in love, in finding that one person meant for you. MJ showed me that there was such a thing as a soulmate. Our life together was amazing and when she died, so did I.”
His admission of the feelings for his wife, along with the devotion and love I saw in his eyes, brought me to tears. They didn’t fall, but I felt them gather in my eyes.
“I was a shell of a man when I lost her. I vowed to never allow anyone to get that close to me again. Sometimes I could barely breathe much less get out of the bed. For a man like me, to be gutted like that, was life altering. I didn’t want to ever be that vulnerable with a woman again. I didn’t want to feel that out of control, lost, or devastated again. So, I shut down. I only gave enough to satisfy my urges and that’s it.”
Lock scooted forward until he was on the edge of the couch. He rested his arms on his thighs all the while keeping his intense stare on me. I wanted to squirm, I wanted to look away, but when a man like Lock was pouring out his heart, you didn’t look away. You absorbed everything he gave you because you might not ever get this chance again.
“Not too long ago I decided that maybe it was time for me to start living again. It was after everything had gone down with Ayana. I saw the love her and my brother had, the soul seeking devotion they gave to each other. I guess I became envious. I wasn’t searching for the kind of love Ayana and Brad had, I felt that ship had sailed the moment MJ took her last breath. But I wouldn’t deny myself meeting new people, going out on a few dates. However, Phoebe, all of that changed when you stumbled into my life.”
My eyes widened and I opened my mouth to probably say something lame, but no words would escape. Lock didn’t seem to mind. He went on, opening up to me in ways I only dreamed. “I wanted you, Phoebe. Despite first thinking you belonged to someone else. I wanted you to belong to me. And for the first time in a long time, I longed to be with someone, other than my wife. I wanted to be with you, and I have to say that freaked me the fuck out.”
“Why?” I asked breathless. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me. I mean, I had hoped he wanted me when we first met and he saved me, the way he looked at me I was sure of it. However, when Reed came on the scene blocking my happiness, I just knew I had lost him. It wasn’t until we played pool and he kissed me for the first time that hope had new life.
“Because I wasn’t supposed to want anything more than just a physical connection from any woman,” He answered. “Shit was just different when it came to you. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to be close to you. To touch you, to feel your touch on my skin. I wanted to taste your lips every time I saw you. When I kissed you for the first time, damn, I was hooked. I wanted more of you. I wanted your body, that went without saying. But I wanted your soul too. I wanted to own you, claim you in front of the world, and I didn’t give a fuck if anyone was around to witness it.”
I stood from the ottoman, unable to sit still any longer. The words he spoke overwhelmed me. He wanted toownme. Hell, I wanted that too, desperately, but why didn’t he take what he wanted? I knew what kind of man Lock was, if he wanted me,trulywanted me, why didn’t he just take what he wanted?
I turned around to face him, leaning against the glass door leading out to the patio and asked him the questions swimming in my head.
“Why didn’t you take what you wanted? I know you’re not someone scared to step into the fire to get what you want.”
Lock smirked up at me.
“You’re right, I’m not. And I wasn’t afraid to take what I wanted. That’s not what I’m saying. I had some shit to work out first, shit that had me twisted and uncertain. For the longest time, the only woman I’ve ever wanted, or saw myself living out the rest of my life with was MJ. When she died, I figured I’d be a bachelor for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to move on, to devote my life to another woman… Until now.” He stood and stepped around the couch toward me.
My eyes grew and I started for the entry way to the front of the house, trying to keep space between us. I didn’t think my heart could take him being any closer. The words he spoke alone were making my head spin, my heart beat out of control. If he was close to me or worse, touched me, I think I would pass out.
But Lock kept coming, kept weaving his words around my heart, tugging me toward him despite my desperate need for space.
“You have me wanting things I never thought I wanted, Phoebe. You have me doing things that I normally don’t do.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to throw him off, to ease the intensity that blazed in his eyes. It didn’t work.
“I don’t do PDA. I’m not the type that likes to hold hands, or hug and kiss on a woman in front of the world. I’m a private person. I have no problem showing how much I love and want my woman when it’s just the two of us. I don’t need to prove it to the world. But it’s crazy…”
I glanced behind me quickly to make sure I was heading in the right direction. I didn’t want to get trapped between Lock and a wall, that would be curtains for me. The funny thing was, as I turned back to Lock he wasn’t hurrying to catch up with me. He let me keep the distance between us. I was sure he could get to me in one stride with his long legs and grab me with his long arms. But he did none of those things. He just kept pace with me, focused more on causing my heart to drop to my toes, goosebumps to appear along my heated skin and my body to shiver, and not from any chill, but from the worlds spilling out of his mouth.
