AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I knew he heard us even though it didn’t look like he was paying attention.
I held out my hand and said, “Come on Ethan, let’s go.”
He eventually got up, rather reluctantly, but he walked back with us to the house.
“I can see you’re good with him,” Skye smiled at me. “I hope you will stay a bit longer than the last one.” She gave a wry little laugh. “The nannies don’t seem to stay very long; I don’t think it’s good for Ethan.”
“No,” I said.
“Of course, he is a handful, and his father is not much better.”
I didn’t want to agree with her about Sam, but she was right.
Ethan had run on ahead to her car, which was parked in the driveway.
“I wasn’t a great mom,” she said suddenly, wrapping her arms protectively around herself and giving a self-deprecating laugh. “When he was a baby, and… even now. I am trying, though, and I want to do better… but it’s… I mean… he’s really difficult.” She looked at me and I felt sorry for her.
“Children like Ethan are complex and not everyone deals with it well,” I said.
“When he was born, he wouldn’t stop crying,” said Skye, biting her lip, looking over at the car, where Ethan was waiting for her. “I didn’t know what to do. Sam worked longer and longer hours or stayed away, he couldn’t deal with the yelling, and I was going insane. I hired one baby nurse after another and started going to the gym. It felt so good to get away!”
I looked down, filled with sympathy for her. “You were a first-time mom, and you were overwhelmed.”
“I was! I felt he didn’t like being with me! I could never get him to sleep. Only the baby nurses managed that.”
She smiled quickly at me. “Anyway, I’d better get going. I’ve already got his bag. I will bring him back tomorrow.” She squeezed my arm. “Thank you, for being so good with him.”
I watched her drive off. I liked Skye and felt sorry for her. Despite her mixed feelings of motherhood, she showed up and she made an effort, which was all that was required. So many parents had high expectations of parenthood and their children; they were disappointed so quickly when nothing seemed like they hoped it would be. All you had to do was spend time with them though, it didn’t always have to be the best time in the world at the most exceptional venue with the most awesome food.
I thought of a boy I had babysat for a family in Boston. The father was an investment banker who had to travel a lot for work. The mother was a doctor and often on call at the local hospital. Both parents were busy and away from home a lot. They had tremendous guilt complexes and would end up buying the little boy expensive gifts. Once, I recalled the father coming back from Tokyo with a huge box he could barely carry from the car. It turned out to be a robotic dog, that could be made to run around by remote control. It took the father a few minutes to set up the dog properly, but by that time, the boy had discovered the box and started playing with that. No matter how much they tried to get his attention on the dog and to get him to play with the dog, he could not be convinced that the empty cardboard box wasn’t a much better present. I could see the sadness on the dad’s face and my heart ached for him. I wanted to tell him that his son didn’t want presents, he wanted attention and love. “Crawl into the box with him,” I wanted to say. “Pretend you’re stuck in a spaceship.” But I knew the father would see it as criticism and kept my mouth shut.
I got a cab to take me straight to the bus station. I wanted to get to Cape Cod as soon as possible. I wanted to feel the loving atmosphere of my family. Even though my father was not well, he was always full of jokes and good humor, sitting in the kitchen while my mother made dinner or baked pie. They had moved to Cape Cod when I was in high school, looking for a quieter life. After my father’s heart attack, he needed to slow down. They bought a cottage and turned it into a guesthouse. In the summer, the business did well but it was always a bit tougher in the winter months. My folks lived at the back of the house in an apartment they had added on for themselves, with an extra bedroom for when the kids visited. On the rare occasion that all of us were there together, it could be a bit cramped, but it was always fun somehow. If there was room in the guesthouse, we would stay there but I preferred to bunk down on the sofas in the living room or an air mattress in the spare bedroom.
As soon as I left the house, I felt my heart lift.
Even though I loved working with Ethan and felt that I was able to help him, being around Sam was proving to be trying. I felt his brooding and disapproving presence everywhere, sensed his watching eyes burning into my back. Sometimes, I had the feeling he was in my room, at night, when I was sleeping. I had woken up a few times recently, sure that there was someone in my bedroom. But it was so dark, I couldn’t see anything. Besides, Sam seemed always angry with me, to the point of being rude. He never had a kind word, he hardly greeted me in the morning. Every single day for the past ten days, I’d thought he was going to fire me.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to last long in this environment. Maybe a month if I was lucky. Sam’s hostility was making it impossible to breathe. I thought of how happy Ethan had been outside this morning, playing under the trees and wondered if I could suggest putting up a swing there, a small play area. It could be out of the way, nobody had to see it. It wouldn’t spoil the view of the garden. If I had a bench out there, under the trees, maybe I could make it through the day without jumping every time I heard a noise behind me.
Sam’s anger was peculiar. He had broken up with me after all, and it had been years since then. It had been his decision to hire me too. I had told him I didn’t want to do it, but he’d insisted, hadn’t he? Why did he do that, when he so obviously didn’t want me around?
I thought of something Skye had said as we walked up to the house.
I mentioned how beautiful the house and gardens were. I was trying to fill the silence, to make conversation. She had thanked me, her voice sad.
“I tried you know. I did. And the house… I only wanted the best. But it was never right.”
I knew what she meant. Sam had this effect on people, he made them feel like they weren’t good enough. I tried to think what it was like when I was with him before. Did he make me feel inadequate then too? I remembered being happy with him. He had been focused and driven but I couldn’t remember that he was critical of me, though. Until, of course, when I told him I thought I was pregnant. That had been a disappointment. Obviously. But being around his anger and disapproval all the time was stressful.
I needed to last at least two weeks to make enough for the deposit. I could do it. I think.
But no more than that.
It didn’t seem worth it, it really didn’t.
