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Chapter 6
Natalie
I know what a happy family looks like.
Or rather, what a happy family feels like. It is not about how big or how smart the house is, it does not matter how full the plates are at dinner every evening, and whether those plates are served at a dining table, piled onto TV trays, or made of plastic. It is a place where people are comfortable and able to laugh, where stories are told and shared and young and old come together. It does not matter if there is a mother and a father, a grandmother, and an uncle, two mothers, even the number of children does not matter. They may be grandchildren or stepchildren or cousins, running around, making a mess, squealing with pleasure.
After a weekend with my parents in Cape Cod, I was again reminded what it was like to be surrounded by people who loved me unconditionally and enjoyed my company. As soon as I arrived on Saturday afternoon, my mother sat me down in the kitchen with coffee and a slice of her blueberry pie. She wanted to hear all about my new job. My father came in and lifted me up in a huge bear hug.
I thought of Sam’s house and the lack of love in his family.
He struck me as unhappy, and I wondered why. He had everything going for him. Dana had told me how well his company was doing. The software he had developed was being used by many big firms, he was constantly working on improving it and making it even easier to use. He had made so much money already and the revenue kept coming in. But he didn’t spend this money on holidays or cars or anything really.
It wasn’t about the money for him, I knew. It was the security of it that he craved. But he had that now, surely? How much more money did he need?
These kinds of questions made for uncomfortable thinking for me.
I had grown up in a nice suburban home in Boston. My father has worked for the Department of Education all his life and he was a senior official. When I was in high school, some irregularities came to light and an investigation was launched. Even though my father was never implicated, his superior did come under the spotlight and my father became concerned. It seemed as if the blame was being shifted onto him and other colleagues. The tension in the house increased steadily and one night, my father was taken to hospital following a mild cardiac incident. The doctors told him to lose weight and manage his stress. He was asked to resign from his position soon afterwards. Even though there was no evidence against him, his office had been drawn into the scandal and the Department wanted to clean house.
My mother was furious, but my father had to focus on his health and recovery. He wouldn’t fight back or try to clear his name. He wanted to spend the rest of his life somewhere peaceful. My elder brother and sister had already left home and Tucker and I had only a few years of high school left. They decided to follow their dream of moving to Cape Cod. It was a good decision for them, and they clearly enjoyed interacting with the guests and settling down in the new community. Tucker and I were enrolled at a local school and had some adjustment issues. The kids in the new school did not take to us and Tucker was picked on by some of the boys in his year. He’d always been more of an introvert, and as he didn’t defend himself, the bullying grew worse. He didn’t want to worry my parents and I tried to help him as best I could.
But then I went to college, and I met Sam and fell in love and came home less and less. I didn’t check up on Tucker, I was vaguely aware that things weren’t going well but by the time I woke up and realized that he was in danger, it was already too late. He was smoking weed and mixed up with a crowd of troubled kids all doing drugs and rebelling against any form of authority.
When Sam broke up with me, I went through a dark time where I could not focus on anything or anyone. My parents told me about Tucker being arrested and threatening to drop out of high school, but my own life was such a mess that I couldn’t deal with it. By the time I had managed to sort myself out, it was too late. Tucker had run off with some girl and my parents had no idea where he was.
I blamed myself for his problems. I had not looked after him when I should have, did not help him when I could have. When he was admitted to hospital in New York a few years later, he was at death’s door. He was lucky to be alive, they said. He agreed to go to rehab, and my eldest brother paid. But he relapsed only months later. This time it was my turn. I was determined to help him.
Coming back to Sam’s house after the weekend at home with my parents, I found that I had to steel myself as soon as I walked through the door. The atmosphere was so heavy here, so negative. Sam’s presence filled it like a toxic substance. I arrived on Sunday evening, as Skye came to drop off Ethan.
When he saw me, there was a flicker of recognition on his face. I took heart at this sign of a greeting. From a child like him, it was worth a million smiles. He went into the house, and I walked to the car with Skye. She looked nervously over her shoulder.
“I let him have some ice-cream this afternoon,” she said.
“Sounds nice.”
“Please don’t tell Sam.”
I frowned. “Why not?”
She glanced around and bit her cheek. “He doesn’t like Ethan having any sugar, as you must know.”
“But as a treat, every now and then?”
She gave a harsh laugh. “He’ll have his lawyers all over me in seconds, saying I’m a bad mother and not looking after his health. He’s done it before, you know.”
She seemed to take a hold of herself and closed her eyes, shaking her head.
“Just… don’t tell him, please. I only mentioned it in case he’s worked up or something.”
“I’m sure it will be fine,” I tried to reassure her, squeezing her arm, before going inside.
I found Ethan in his room, playing with a superhero figurine that his mother must have bought him.
“Did you have a good time with your mommy, Ethan?”
He did not respond.
“Did she buy you that?”
