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As I got up, he said. “Mollow”. Tomorrow.
Much later, as I lay in bed thinking about the events of the day, my thoughts kept coming back to Natalie and the influence she was having on Ethan. I had no doubt that it was thanks to her that he was becoming more responsive and reactive. He didn’t have as many tantrums and appeared less irritable. In the three weeks since she had been here, I could see a shift in his behavior. I was always careful not to overreact or make too much of small changes but when it came to my son, it was hard not to feel a glimmer of hope.
I remembered when he had first been diagnosed by the child psychologist. Supposedly an expert, this woman had told us that while it was early to make a diagnosis, Ethan almost certainly was autistic. How much it was going to affect his life, would depend on us, as parents, as well as the treatment we decided on. It had been devastating news. The divorce had only just been finalized and we’d been living apart already for almost a year. We were barely speaking and finally hearing out loud what we had suspected for some time, that there was something wrong with our son, had not brought us closer at all. For a while, I had even blamed Skye. I found studies online proving a link between a mother’s diet while pregnant, or the mother’s drinking or drug use. I told myself it was Skye’s drinking during pregnancy that had caused it. Then, her absence when he was a baby, spending all the time with baby nurses instead of his mother. A part of me still blamed her. Not only for that. But I had come to see that none of this was helping Ethan. I wanted him to have as normal a life as possible. But this was the first time he had really started to exhibit the kind of behavior I thought of as normal for a small child.
As I fell asleep, there were images of Natalie in my mind as well as thoughts of gratitude and thankfulness. I couldn’t have been asleep for long when the sound of screaming woke me up. It was Ethan and he sounded terrified. I jumped out of bed and ran over to his room. He was still in bed; his eyes were closed and yet he was shouting. I couldn’t make out any words, he didn’t seem to be saying anything, but it was clear that he was in a state of absolute terror. I tried calming him by holding him, but he just thrashed around in my arms, accidentally hitting my head with his.
A sharp jolt of pain shot through my head, and I had to grit my teeth not to lash out. I knew it wasn’t his fault, he was not aware of what he was doing. But I felt a blinding throbbing behind my eyes and knew that I would soon have a headache. I pulled away from Ethan, cradling my head. He was still rolling around in his bed and I became aware of Natalie sitting on the other side of the bed.
“There, there, everything’s all right, Ethan,” she was saying, in a low, soothing voice. She was stroking his chest, speaking slowly, and repeating the same words. I noticed that he was beginning to calm down, the screaming stopped but he was still breathing fast. “It’s only a nightmare, a silly, silly nightmare,” she said. Her hand was drawing circles on his chest, and he started breathing deeper. He began to lay still. Finally, it was over. He was deeply asleep again, his breathing more even and slow.
We got up and stepped away from Ethan’s bed.
I looked at Natalie for the first time and saw she was wearing a satin kind of slip nightdress, which clung to her breasts and hips. Her hair was loose and fell far below her shoulders. She looked gorgeous. She stepped away slowly, backing out of Ethan’s room trying to make as little noise as possible. I followed her, not saying a word. We went out of Ethan’s room, and I didn’t close the door but left it half-open in case he had another nightmare.
Outside of Ethan’s room, the corridor was dark. There was faint light coming from both our rooms and I couldn’t see her face. We were standing close together and she crossed her arms protectively around her chest.
“You were amazing with him,” I said. “Thank you.”
“It’s my job,” she said, and I thought I saw a small smile. I couldn’t see her eyes and it made it easier to talk to her.
“You’re good at it,” I said. It was true, I knew it was. “He’s much better since you’ve been here.”
I sensed her head moving and that she was looking at me. I don’t know if she moved towards me, but I didn’t want her to leave, to go back to her room.
“I know I’ve been a real prick,” I said and laughed, rolling my eyes. “It couldn’t have been easy for you.”
She didn’t respond right away. Then she softly said, “No, it hasn’t.”
My voice, low, I said, “I don’t know why you haven’t left.”
Almost whispering, her voice shaking slightly, she said, “I don’t know either.”
The moment was unbearable. There was so much emotion in our voices, and we seemed to be saying so much more than our actual words were conveying. I tried to understand what was going on, but my mind was too slow. My body moved towards her, and she must have responded because when our bodies touched, we were in absolute synchronicity, our lips meeting in perfect rhythm. We seemed to melt into one another, I felt deep emotion flowing into her and from her, flowing into me. We didn’t breathe, it was like sinking underwater, being drawn into a dream from which there was no waking. Then our lips broke contact and as we drew breath, we kissed again, more passionately this time. I took her into my arms, pushing all thoughts away, feeling a body that seemed as familiar to me as my own. It was as if I’d been with no other woman since her. Having Natalie in my arms felt completely right, like she should have been there all along.
“Wait,” she drew back, breathlessly. “Wait, Sam!”
“What is it?” I was impatient, I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to kiss her again, to touch her, to feel her.
“We shouldn’t do this,” she said, her voice shaking.
“But I want to,” I said. “And you want to, too.”
“Yes, but…” she drew away further.
“Natalie,” I said, my voice hoarse. I wanted to say that I wanted her and that she wanted me too. That it wasn’t over between us. Five years felt not even like five days. Or five hours. I wanted to have sex with her right there, but she was pulling out of my arms, drawing away from me.
She was shaking her head; I could see her long hair swaying from side to side as she started walking towards her room.
I didn’t go after her. I leaned into the wall outside Ethan’s room. It was like I was waking up or something.
I couldn’t believe what had almost happened.
