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Chapter 9
Sam
I had an early morning meeting with a potential client at a hotel downtown. Over poached eggs and smoked salmon, we talked about the problems modern workspaces faced, the issues around keeping staff happy and the constant need to keep cash flow healthy. I knew of him and had met him socially before. Then he’d contacted me and wanted to meet to talk business.
I found these kinds of conversations exhausting. Interacting with people I didn’t really know, or liked, having to convince them of something that I had devoted my life to. I had learned a few techniques over the years and had found ways to come across as charming and likeable. I had certain conversations and jokes I told, and I forced myself to make plenty of eye contact and use facial expressions.
Yet, these kinds of meetings had a way of draining my energy.
I walked back to the office afterwards, thinking that I was glad to be off stage. It felt like I had to play a role the whole time, remember scripted lines and then wait for the audience to love me.
Not my style.
My business was growing steadily, and I wondered if I couldn’t start to leave most of these sales pitch-type meetings to Nic. He was much better at it than I was anyway.
I checked my phone again for messages from Natalie.
There were none.
I had received a short text in the morning to say that she was leaving and had found a replacement. I wasn’t sure if she meant for the day only or if she was quitting. I tried calling her, but the phone just rang.
Messages I sent now were not delivered and I suspected she had turned her phone off.
I walked briskly through the streets of the city, oblivious to the historic buildings and the traffic around me. My thoughts were filled with Natalie and the previous night. The way I’d felt when I had taken her into my arms, the enormous relief that had surged through me when she kissed me back and I felt her soft body, yielding and welcoming.
When she ran away from me after our kiss, it was like something had woken up inside of me. Something that had been slumbering for a while. I was surprised to find that I still had feelings for Natalie. I thought all of that had stayed in college. My complicated feelings for her since she’d come to work for me suddenly made sense. I was going to go after her to talk to her when I heard a noise from Ethan’s room.
I pushed the door open and saw that Ethan was out of bed, half-asleep.
“What are you doing up, buddy?” I asked, leading him back to bed. I tucked him back in, pulling up the blankets. He looked at me sleepily and said, “Story?”
I wanted to go to Natalie, to talk about what had just happened. I decided I would tell Ethan a short story and then go to Natalie. But I fell asleep of course. When I woke up a few hours later, it was time to get ready for work. I hoped she would come down a bit earlier but there was no sign of her. I had to leave for work and when I got to the office, I saw the first message from her.
It was brief. Very brief.
But more than that, it was cool and distant.
For the first time, it occurred to me that Natalie might have been upset by last night’s kiss. She had kissed me back though, surely there could be no doubt about what she was feeling? But why wouldn’t she pick up the phone? And what was this about finding a replacement?
I had Dana call the agency to find out what Natalie had told them. She came back and said that Natalie had said she was ill, and she didn’t know when she’d be back.
“This is unacceptable,” Dana said, cross. “You should fire her! You were thinking about it, anyway, weren’t you?”
I didn’t say anything right away.
“There were a few candidates on the list I sent you?”
After a moment, Dana said, “Sam?”
I knew she was perplexed by my reaction, and I couldn’t explain it to her. How could I tell her what was going on in my mind? The mixed emotions I’d had towards Natalie from the start. The attraction that had been there even though I’d been trying to deny it. My wanting someone else had nothing to do with her abilities as a nanny and everything to do with my desire for her. I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but my feelings for her had become stronger.
“You did get the email?”
“I don’t want someone else.”
Dana sighed, exasperated.
I turned away towards the window. I needed time to gather my thoughts. “Ethan likes her. I want to find out what is going on.”
