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“You thought I stood in your way,” Natalie said quietly.
“I was wrong. You’d never stand in anyone’s way.”
I took a deep breath. “The thing is, I’ve never been good at the emotional stuff. Ethan’s autism, I think he got that from me. I tend to be… cold, I guess, distant. I don’t really connect with people. I don’t need to,” I looked at the table. I wasn’t enjoying this line of conversation at all. “I didn’t have a family like this, there wasn’t much love and support where I grew up. There was no one to pick me up when I fell down or to see to a bruised knee. It was part of life. You sucked it up or you got a beer, or you broke something to feel better.”
I gave a rueful smile. “My dad punched a lot of walls. My mom stuck pictures from magazines up to cover the holes. Fortunately, our walls were thin.”
Natalie took one of the coffees. “Thanks for this. Do you want to go for a walk?”
We put some jackets on and went outside. Natalie showed me the path to the beach, a wooden walkway that led down a dune. There was a big open stretch of sand and we walked down to the water’s edge, zipping up our jackets to keep out the cold air.
“You didn’t have to come by,” Natalie said. “I know that must have been hard.”
“It wasn’t that hard,” I said. “And what you went through back then…”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about the past.”
“But we have to, if there is to be a future for us.”
“A future?”
“I want you to come back to Boston. And I want us to be together.” I took her hand, which was icy cold, rubbing it between my hands. We’d stopped walking. Natalie was unsure.
“I know I was making it hard at the house, but it was because I realized I still had feelings for you. It won’t be like that again, I promise.”
“Can you though?” she looked at me with her huge eyes, the color of a misty morning. “Is that a promise you can keep?”
I kissed her hand, but she pulled it away.
“Your default is being grumpy, stressed, pushing people away. I don’t know if I can be around someone who is like that, all day.”
“I’ll try to change, I promise,” I said, really meaning it. I couldn’t tell her that I’d never been as happy as I’d been now, with her. She wouldn’t believe me anyway. Even when we were together, back in college, I had not appreciated her. But being with Skye, someone who was demanding and moody, had shown me how it could be with the wrong person. Natalie was the complete opposite. Being around her calmed and relaxed me.
“I will come home earlier from work, and we can go on dates. On weekends when Skye has Ethan, we can fly away to the romantic resorts.”
“That’s not what I want,” she said.
“What do you want?”
“I want us to be able to talk about things, I want you to be more open and share things from your day or your past. I want you to be able to talk about anything.”
“I can do that,” I said. I took her face in my hands, to look into her eyes. “I will do that.”
I kissed her and her lips were so cold, trembling.
“I want to believe you, but…”
“I am not the same person I was back then,” I said quickly. “I’ve been through a divorce; I’ve got a child with developmental problems. Believe me, I have had to accept some things about myself that I didn’t like.”
“Like what?” she fired that question at me so lightning fast, and I had to think quickly.
“I don’t like to lose,” I said. “I push too hard, expect too much.”
“Ok,” she said. “I want you to lose more.”
“What?”
“I lost everything,” she said, stepping away from me and looking towards the ocean. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold, but her voice was strong. “After our break-up, I went to pieces, and I had to put myself together again. It was very hard, but I did it. I found myself and I learned to accept myself. All parts of myself, even the weaker bits that I didn’t like.”
