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Apparently he’s unbothered that no one follows though because we all stand in silence for a moment before Cohen walks up to me and wipes a stray tear from my cheek. I hadn’t even noticed that I’d started crying.
“I need you to be straight with me Q. Put your pride away and give me the truth of what’s in here,” he says, softly laying his hand on my chest. As always, he’s in tune with me and my inner struggle. He needs me to tear down the wall I keep up and he’s willing to help me do it, even if it means he bloodies his hands in the process.
It physically feels like I’m reaching inside of myself and ripping my heart from my chest to give him. I’m not okay and it hurts like hell to admit that—even to myself. My childhood was fucked up. The only person who loved me and knew who I was always meant to become was kept in the shadows to stalk me and become a monster just as bad, if not worse than me.
It didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me at first; why I connected so deeply to Ren, so instantly. He kidnapped me, yet he’d held a piece of me all the while. People don’t need to understand it, but I do. I skipped over the depth of understanding because I don’tdofeelings. I didn’t at least. I’ve never wanted to. I thought I’d let the guys in, but it was all so surface level. It was sex and lust. Passion got us through, but is that all it was? Because I swear there’s a tether on my soul that is firmly attached to theirs.
“I don’t know how to be this girl, Red. I don’t know how to let you guys in. I want to. God, I want to so badly, but I just don’t know how this works. I don’t know how to be this vulnerable. I swear to you that I’ll try. I’ll try every day to be what you need me to be. I’ll tell you guys everything. I won’t keep secrets. I’ll be yours in every way, but I don’t know how to be the soft, sweet girl that Matteo is asking for. I’m made of blood, sweat, and grit. I’m a fighter. That’s what I know. I’m irreparably damaged and I will always think you deserve better, while hoping that I’m enough to keep you.” I whisper, letting my insecurities fly free from my lips.
“Okay. I can’t expect anything more from you than that. I just need to know that you’re going to try. I need to know that we’re worth the effort. But we need to clarify some things first. You aren’t the only one who lied. We made it seem like we were upset about your marrying Ren. We weren’t. In fact, I can see a lot of value in it. You put us all, and worst of all, yourself, in a lot of danger. You didn’t let us in. You weren’t honest. You didn’t trust us to love you and help you. I know that you thought you were protecting us, but surely you can understand why we’d feel the need to reciprocate?”
“I didn’t. I do now, but I won’t lie and say that I fully understood it because I never truly allowed you guys all the way in. I think we got really close to that this summer, but I didn’t really know what I had until you guys were gone… or—ugh, I don’t know. I’m explaining this terribly.”
“Take your time, Q. I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got all night,” he says, looking up to the other guys. While I was fumbling around my words like a moron, Ren got dressed in some basketball shorts and a Mambacita tee.
“We’re going to order in some Chinese and be in the theater marathoning something manly,” Ren jokes.
“He’s lying, we’ll totes be watching rom-coms and playing footsie. Don’t interrupt us tonight. We’ll be extremely busy,” Noah wiggles his eyebrows salaciously, making me snort a laugh.
“Shut up man!” Ren shoves him. “Now that you’ve given away all our plans, I’m punishing you with a Terminator marathon. Terrible accent reenactments and all,” Ren laughs.
“You guys are so stupid. Have fun! I love you,” I tell them, and then they’re out the door. I look up at my sweet Cohen and wonder how I’ll ever be able to give him what he needs. I want to so fucking bad, but I’m worried that I’m too fucking broken. My voice comes out a rough murmur, “okay, let me try this again,” I cough, trying to clear my throat so I sound as sure in what I’m about to say as I feel. “I love you. You know that, right?”
“I do.”
“Well, growing up I didn’t think I was built with the capacity to love. When I was a little girl, I tried to love my ma. She was all I had, all I knew, and she never once loved me or taught me what it meant to love or connect to people because of a genuine desire to do so. Everything she said or did was born of necessity. She touched men who supplied her drugs. She let men beat her to pay for our food. The only touch I knew was violent or lacking consent, usually both. People say that children are the product of their environment and it’s true. I saw it every day. I watched children become their parents. I watched them fall prey to the never ending cycle of sexual abuse, drug abuse, or even just physical abuse…
“When I met the three of you, you flipped my world upside down. You made me realize that I didn’t have to give up a part of myself to be with you. I allowed myself to love you and grow in ways I didn’t even know I could. The problem is, I thought that I wasn’t letting you love me beyond what I could control. Not until I knew you were gone, did I realize that I spent time with you and allowed you to see parts of me I didn’t even know existed. I thought I’d been keeping my heart safeguarded but I wasn’t. I’d been lying to myself and I’d been lying to you, not letting you see how deeply you all truly affected me. You guys are bone deep, soul level, ingrained in me so much that you’re a part of who I am. I’ve known that, but I didn’t tell you and you deserved to know. Worse yet, I didn’t show you either. I made you feel like I didn’t need you and I’ll never be able to say I’m sorry enough.”
“You just did.” Matteo’s voice travels across the room. I turn to look at him, finding him leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded against his chest. My knees buckle under the weight of myself as relief pours through my veins that he never left. I can’t even stop it when a small sob breaks free when Cohen wraps his arms around me to catch me before I fall.
These guys are always here to catch me when I fall and I don’t think they’ll be going anywhere ever again.
Sixteen
Alessandra
“How did we get here? How did we let everything get so messed up?” I question, burrowing myself a little deeper into Cohen for a moment.
“We really got all of our wires crossed didn’t we,” Cohen says, holding me close. I look up into that soulful gaze of his and try to keep my tears at bay.
I can only handle so much of this weepy shit before I start acting like a dick out of discomfort with my own feelings. One day I’ll get a grip on how to handle my emotions in a healthy way, today isn’t that day though so I choose avoidance.
“Why did you walk out earlier?” I turn to look at Matteo, knowing I’ll have an easier time rebuilding some of my walls around him.
“I knew you wouldn’t let your guard down enough to break through the bullshit with me here,” he says. Fuck him for knowing me that well. “You get defensive with me around because I’m an asshole. I knew you’d have an easier time letting Cohen see you. I knew you’d be able to be open and honest with him without second guessing your every move. Even more, I knew you’d want to give him reasons to trust you again. You’ve never wanted me like that.”
“I would have apologized to you the same way. I’ve always felt drawn to you in ways I can’t explain.” I argue defensively. Though, it’s not entirely true. Noah is playful and easygoing and Cohen is understanding and empathetic so it’s easier to let my guard down around them. Matteo and I are almost too similar and it makes things harder than they need to be a lot of the time.
“No, you wouldn’t have and I wouldn’t have made it that easy on you. We’re too much the same in that way. We take the hardest road to prove ourselves but that doesn’t always lead us to the place we’re meant to go. Our connection has always been powerful. That doesn’t mean that power always works in our favor. The guys and I had a right to be mad at you. We handled it the way we did and gave you every reason to be pissed off—to hate us—and you’re still here giving us another chance. I think we all need to let our past go and move on if we want any chance at being happy together.
“There’s no telling how fucked up things are about to get with Lorenzo, so I took the path of least resistance. I’m tired of being angry all the time. It’s time for us to learn how to be better together. Because loving you is worth fighting for. It always has been and I’m sorry we fucked that up so bad. Going forward there’s no more walking away from this—from us. We’re yours and you’re ours. Nothing and no one will change that.”
“I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve any of you,” my voice is coarse as I try to get the words out as my throat feels like it’s swelling shut. “I’m not a good person. The more we go through, the more self-reflection I have to do and I don’t like the woman looking back at me. How could I not see how selfish I’ve been my whole life?”
“Let’s break this down real quick, Q. You grew up living a life where from an early age you had to learn to provide for yourself. How little were you when the neglect, starvation, mental degradation, and manipulation start? That doesn’t even include the sleepless nights worrying about sexual abuse or worrying about getting drugged. We aren’t oblivious to what your life was. I’ve looked into it. I pulled school and police records that had been buried by Raffaele. We saw the state of the house you grew up in. I did my research on Lauren Davis when you first got here and know that she was a terrible human being.
“The defensiveness you depend on and hardness you carry like a shield isn’t surprising. You live in the mindset that you grew up with—protect yourself at all costs. Depend on yourself because everyone else will let you down. We didn’t give you any real reason to trust us when you met us and you didn’t owe us blind faith just because you thought we were hot. All we really had going for us was the perseverance to pursue you in hopes that you at least try and entertain the idea of being with us because some fucked up contract said you had to. We were lucky enough to worm our way into your life and burrow into your heart, but never once did we take into account how hard it must’ve been for you to let your guard down enough to let us. I’m not saying it excuses everything, but it makes it all so much easier to understand. And let’s be real, you’re not the only one who’s fucked up and gotten us in this predicament,” Cohen says, making my body quake with the desperation I feel at holding my tears at bay. I feel Teo and know he’s moved closer to me so I breathe him in as I give him my attention.
