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She was already asleep by the time I got out. Stephen was holding her, and she was passed out on his chest.
Fuck, she was adorable.
“I’m going to get to work on the nursery,” I told him quietly. We’d been slowly getting things done while she slept or was otherwise occupied. I was afraid that her seeing the nursery coming together would send her spiraling into the deepest pit she’d been in yet.
I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to bring her out of it.
“Need my help?”
I shook my head. “Stay with her. She doesn’t like to sleep alone.”
With that, I stepped out of the bedroom and quietly shut the door behind me before going to set up the nursery.
A lump formed in my throat when I stepped into the room where all of the baby’s things were at. I clenched my jaw, guilt and self-hatred weighing down on me.
I’d broken Bailey. We could have been happy about this baby together, but instead, I’d fucked her up.
I’d fucked upeverything.
And now, I wasn’t sure if Bailey would ever be able to truly love our kid, and I was saddened that our baby may never know what it was like to have its mother’s love.
I sank down to the floor and grabbed a stuffed animal Stephen had picked out for it. I held its paw in my hand, and tears burned in the back of my eyes.
“I’m so fucking sorry,” I whispered—for both of them.
And then I fucking cried.
13
Bailey
Sleep was evading me.
Both men were passed out on either side of me. Seth had come downstairs right before dinner, and he’d told us the nursery was completely set up.
Thankfully, neither of them had asked me if I wanted to see it. Because I didn’t. I was terrified to see inside of that room with them there with me. Because I knew I would break. And I didn’t want them to see just how bad it was going to be when I did.
IknewI couldn’t handle seeing that room with Seth. I knew he was excited about this baby, but I also knew he was trying to hide his feelings about our baby from me because he was afraid to send me further over the edge.
Both he and Stephen were treating me like I was as fragile as glass, but it wasn’t far from the truth.
Anytime anything with this baby was mentioned, I felt more pieces of myself fall away.
Maybe Ishouldgive the baby up for adoption. What could I seriously offer it as a mom? I couldn’t see past my own misery.
But I couldn’t do that to Seth. And I knew if I mentioned adoption, he would suck up every bit of how he felt and let me do whatever I wanted. And I wouldn’t do that to him. I wouldn’t rip his kid away just because I couldn’t handle my own shit.
I slowly eased out of bed, being careful not to wake either Seth or Stephen. After quietly creeping out of the room, I walked across the hall to the nursery and eased open the door before flicking on the lamp near the doorway.
Instantly, tears burned in my eyes.
Sitting in the corner of the crib was the bear Stephen had picked out for the baby. I walked forward and lifted it up. I bit my lip to contain my sob, my hand resting on my belly.
“I’m so sorry I can’t love you like you deserve,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I’m so fucking sorry you got me as your mom.”
I sank into the rocking chair next to the crib and hugged the bear to my chest. And I cried because I had a baby that I loved, but I couldn’t love it fully. I had a baby that I knew I would never be able to take care of like it needed. I would never be able to give it the adoration and emotional love it needed.
I was too fucked up, and this baby had been cursed by having me as its mom.
