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“That’s so unfair. I’m sorry.”
“I think I’ve gotten over blaming myself, though. That helps. It’s not my fault this is happening. What I do doesn’t affect the world as much as I think it does.” That and the fact that I’ve vowed not to make powerful weapons for anyone I don’t know ever again. Or anyone in power.
“I’m glad to hear that.”
It feels so good to unburden myself. To say aloud everything that’s troubling me. I let the next problem fall from my lips.
“She’s free, and she’s hunting me again.”
The arms around me tighten to an almost-painful pressure.
“She can’t have you. I won’t let her take you away. I’ll die before that happens.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t talk of dying, please. Just tell me that we’ll beat her again. That everything will be okay.”
“Wewillbeat her again. Everythingwillbe okay.”
Though I know he can promise no such thing, it feels so good to hear it all the same.
I love the way Kellyn smells. Like the woods and leather and his own personal musk. I turn my nose into his shirt and breathe even more deeply. Now that we’re talking, I don’t feel so nervous around him. I feel myself relaxing into him.
“I’ve been going crazy with worry over my family,” Kellyn says. “If we fail. If Kymora’s army wins, that’s it. There’s nothing else to stop her. And what will that mean for everyone I love? I’m just one fighter. I can’t stop her by myself. I couldn’t even stop her fighting one-on-one. She’s too good.”
And now she has a whole army to back her up.
“We’re not alone this time,” I remind him. “The royals don’t want to lose their lands or their heads. They will band together to fight her. They must. And if, for whatever reason, they lose, we will go to Amanor and defend your family to the last.”
The words float in the air, determined, fierce. I would never take them back. I adore his family, and I would never leave them to face this alone.
“Ziva,” Kellyn says so softly, “I love you.”
I freeze, feel my body snap tight like a bowstring. He doesn’t mean that. He’s only trying to make me feel better because I’m so messed up after the war, and—
Stop it. You will not let your anxieties ruin this moment.
I want to tell him that I love him, too. How could I not? He’sthe only man I’ve ever wanted to love in this way. The only person I’ve ever felt so close to.
But I can’t say those words back to him. It’s too terrifying, and I’m still half convinced he doesn’t mean them.
“You don’t have to—” Kellyn starts.
I put a finger to his lips. “I want to be with you always,” I say. Even if he changes his mind, I never will.
“Done,” he says.
But doesn’t he know that’s something he can’t promise me?
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Knocking wakes me.
At first, there’s the extreme disorientation of waking up in an unfamiliar place. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
And then there’s the snoring coming from the body beneath me.
Kellyn.
I get to admire him for all of a second before the knocking comes again, this time louder.
