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“Thank you for understanding,” he says.
“Of course,” I say. “I would never pressure you for something you didn’t want. I’m sorry I didn’t just talk to you about it first.”
“You would never have been able to broach this topic,” he answers in understanding.
I laugh at myself. “No.”
We stand there for a bit, holding each other.
“Just to be clear,” Kellyn says. “I want to marry you, but I don’t want you to do anything before you’re ready. I’m a little olderthan you are. You might want to see other people first. Figure out what it is you’re looking for in a partner. I know I was your first, but that doesn’t mean I have to be your only.”
Now I’m jerking backward again. “You want me to see other men?”
“No,” he answers firmly, almost angrily. “I’m saying I wouldn’t hold it against you if you wanted to make sure I was what you wanted first. My feelings wouldn’t change. Andof courseI hate the idea of you eventryingto be with anyone else. But I don’t want you to feel trapped or as though you have to settle—”
I silence him with a finger at his lips.
“I know what I want. Didn’t I tell you before? I’ve never even been interested in anyone else before. I don’t need to see what else is out there when I’ve already found everything I want.”
He smiles. “You’re sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He sighs in relief, pulling me so tightly against him I can barely breathe.
“Will you still stay tonight?” I ask.
“Are you going to try to take off your clothes again?” he asks.
I laugh. “No.”
“Then yes. I’ll always stay if that’s what you want.”
It’s only when his snores fill my room that a new fear takes root within me.
I feel like such an idiot. I spent so much time worrying over Kellyn. Worrying about him and me together. Stressing over what to say to him and how to act around him. Making myself sick just being around him. Thinking about instigating things.
And I never once thought about what would happenafter.
What if we survive and I’m free to return home? Temra will live in Skiro’s Capital. She’s going to be part of his guard. And I’vealready thought about setting up shop there. Skiro hasn’t asked a single thing of me yet. I could live comfortably in his territory. But I want walls that are my own. I want a house that is all mine. A space that is safe from everything. A place I never have to leave.
And Kellyn wants to roam. He’s a mercenary who only visits home every once in a while.
What would a future with him even look like?
I imagine myself all alone day after day. Waiting for Kellyn to visit. Taking on my commissions and living my life. But alone most of the time.
That’s not a life. Not when I don’t have Temra to be with me all the time. She’ll be off doing her own things.
And my hypothetical future husband would be, too.
There’s no future for us, I realize.
I’ve been foolish, hoping I could make things work. Practice being an equal partner and initiating things with him. Wanting to be more intimate.
Why didn’t I think aboutafter?
Because I was too scared about now.
