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“He was going to kill you,” he volleys back.
“I would rather die than be the cause of making weapons that will destroy Ghadra.”
“Then you should have refused him.”
“He wasn’t threatening my life; he was threateningyours!”
He turns his horse around, urges her forward once more. “Then I don’t see the problem.”
I encourage my own mount into a trot and use him to block Kellyn’s path. “The problem is that I don’t want to be the cause of anyone dying. And you forced me into that position!”
“You should have gone through the wardrobe. You forced my hand.”
“And you shouldn’t have left me!”
His eyes widen, but he doesn’t say a thing.
My abdomen feels tight, like there’s not enough room for all my organs. My eyelids are heavy, and tears slide down my cheeks.
“My sister was dying. She might already be dead now, and then you thought you could just sacrifice yourself and force me to lose you, too.”
I turn my head to the ground, wipe the tears away, and make other pathetic attempts to collect myself. Then I urge my horse back in the direction we’d been traveling a moment ago.
When Kellyn next speaks, his voice is deeper than usual. “I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I thought you didn’t care what happened to me as long as your sister was okay. I was only trying to give you what you wanted. What you deserve.”
I think the fact that I’m turned away is the only reason I’m able to get the next words out. “Just because I can’t be with you doesn’t mean I don’t still care. It doesn’t mean that I’deverbe okay with you being killed or imprisoned or anything less than living a happy life.”
“How was I supposed to know that? After what happened in the fight against Kymora, you gave me the cold shoulder. We didn’t even talk about what happened. Temra was injured, and she needed your full focus; I get that. But there’s nothing that needs your immediate attention now, so I’m going to defend myself. It was during the heat of battle, Ziva. I didn’t process what you were saying when you told me to save Temra. I saw you being dragged away, and I acted. Blame me for that all you want, but Kymora hurt your sister, not me. All my actions since then have only been to help Temra.”
“Really? How does revealing my abilities and suggesting to Ravis that I make weapons to destroy the world help Temra? Or Petrik? Or all the people who are going to get butchered in the war Ravis is bringing to them?”
“First of all,” he snaps back, “I didn’t exactly have time to ask for your permission to tell Ravis who you are. Someone was coming at you with a knife! I was thinking quickly and under pressure. It was the only thing I could come up with to save your life. Second, I knew you would get us out of there before any damage was done.”
“You couldn’t have known that! And you didn’t, because Ravis now has scores of magicked weapons to aid him.”
“Most of them aren’t that powerful, and you got Lady Killer back for me.”
“Someone has my shield hammer, and then there was that war hammer…”
“Ziva, it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay! We’re the only warning Prince Skiro has that war is coming. If we don’t get there in time, it’ll be a mass slaughter. People I care about will be killed with weaponsI made! And do you think Ravis will stop when he’s done with Skiro’s Territory? He won’t. He wants his so-called birthright back. He’s going to claim all six territories for himself and unite Ghadra. I didn’t just doom my family and friends. I’ve doomed the entire kingdom. How am I supposed to handle that? It hurts, Kellyn. Right here, in my chest. I can barely breathe.” In fact, my breathing picks up dangerously just at the thought.
“Hey, now,” Kellyn says. He grabs the reins of my horse, drawing us both to a stop, and then he takes my hand in his. There isn’t much else he can do from atop his own horse. He squeezes gently. “Do you remember what I told you when you were panicking about Kymora and Secret Eater?”
“I panic a lot. You’re going to have to be more specific.”
He fights a smile. “You’re not that important.”
“Excuse me?”
“That’s what I told you. You’re not that important. You don’t get to put the whole world on your shoulders. That’s not fair, and it’s not your fault. Kymora was at fault. Ravis is at fault. Those who give him their loyalty? They’re at fault. While you’re still fighting for what’s right, you don’t get to blame yourself.”
I sniffle. “It doesn’t matter what my intentions are if I still cause innocents to die.”
“We’ve no way of knowing what will happen, but we’ll do our best to fix it when the time comes. For now, maybe try to focus on what you’ve saved. You saved the world from Secret Eater. You saved Temra. You saved Petrik. You savedme. But most important, you saved yourself. You’ve donegoodthings.”
“I can’t even see those things. They’re buried too far beneath all the bad I’ve done.” The stuff he drove me to do.
