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JOÃO
I’d screwed the fuck up this weekend.
After that stupid fucking kiss with Imani at the mall, I’d left her there. I didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t know what to do. So, I’d just left her.
I hadn’t fucking found a way to tell her yet either. To tell her that I loved her.
Once I parked my car in front of my house, I stared emptily through the windshield, my hand tightening around the steering wheel. Ana sat in the backseat, kicking my chair with her strong-ass legs.
“João, I have to go to the potty. Please, can we go inside?” she asked. “It’s cold out here, and Mama has the lights on. She must be inside, waiting for us.”
“Go on in,” I said, exhaling harshly. “I’m gonna stay out here for a couple minutes.”
I needed to fucking think. I needed to think about everything. Landon and Kai were both getting closer to Imani, and I had even been getting closer to her at one point. Then, I fucked everything up big time.
I wanted to be with her too, but I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t want her to leave me.
Ana unstrapped herself from the backseat and jumped out of the car, wobbling back and forth all the way to the front door. She knocked on it with a tiny fist and stood on her tiptoes to look in through the door window.
“Mama!” she called. “Mama, open the door. I have to use the potty!”
Mom was probably too fucked up on drugs to move right now.
Ana jumped up and down on her toes and pulled her coat together. I glided a hand over my face and took another deep exhale. I didn’t know what to fucking do. Between Mom and Imani and watching Ana all the time, I was fucking overwhelmed. I couldn’t do anything with Poison. I needed to find someone to watch Ana, needed to get Mom off the fucking drugs, and needed to tell Imani how I really felt about her.
“Mama!” Ana yelled again. She furrowed her brows, then looked back at me. “Mama is inside, sleeping. Can you please help me, João? I have to use the bathroom really bad. I’m going to pee my pants.”
After shutting off the car, I zipped up my coat and got out into the cold. I walked over to the front door and pressed my key into it, turning the knob and stepping into the bright room. Ana ran over to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I placed my keys on the table and took off my coat, glancing over at Mom, who was asleep on the couch, like she usually was nowadays.
I was surprised that there weren’t pill bottles next to her.
The toilet flushed in the next room over, and then Ana came bouncing out of the bathroom.
She walked over to Mom and rested her head on the pillow beside her, gently stroking Mom’s face. “Mama, wake up. We’re home.”
I collapsed on a kitchen chair and decided to fuck around on my phone until Ana finally fell asleep. I looked at Imani’s contact and wanted so badly to text her, but what the fuck would I say? Hey, what’s up? That was fucking stupid. Why the fuck was I so bad at this?
“Mama! Wake up!” Ana sat out on her knees now on the couch beside Mom and gently pushed on Mom’s shoulders. “Mama, wake up, please. I want to tell you about my day at school. It was so much fun!”
My gaze shifted from my phone to the relatively clear table in front of me. There was a yellow envelope addressed to Mom from an unknown address. I thrust my hand into the open envelope and pulled out an empty container or package of some sort that was unmarked. My stomach tightened.
Ana looked over at me through wide eyes. “Mama isn’t waking up. Do you know why? Do you think she’s tired?”
I glanced around the room to see that it wasn’t messy, like it had been since Mom had gotten addicted to drugs again. In fact, everything looked like she had just cleaned it; everything seemed a bit too in place. It felt surreal.
“João!” Ana shouted.
I looked over to her, then at the coffee table beside Mom. The wooden table was clear of all plates, all food, and all mail. Instead, it had one thing on it. One fucking thing.
A note.
My heart dropped, and I hurried over to Ana. I pulled her off the couch and sat her beside me, then collapsed next to Mom. I placed two fingers on her pulse, desperately trying to find it. Just really trying to find something. Her face was so cold, so fucking … gray.
No, no. Fuck no.
“Hey, look,” Ana said from behind me. “Mommy wrote us a note. I think that it says…” She paused. “That she loves us. And that she is sorry. Why is Mommy—”
I snatched the note from her hand, tears pouring out of my eyes. She was dead. She was fucking dead.
