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JOÃO
I tossed and turned all night, my body restless and my mind jolting me awake with nightmares of finding Mom dead over and over again. The mind was the cruelest fucking part of the body sometimes, making me think about shit that I wanted to bury.
When I finally opened my puffy eyes, sunlight blared through the window. I lay on the ground in my living room and in the arms of Imani. She had her head back against the couch, her lips parted slightly, her fingers in my hair, and her breathing even. She should’ve fucking been at school.
But she was here with me.
She had stayed the night, had come when Ana called, and hell, picked up the phone when my number flashed on her screen, even when she was pissed at me. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she hadn’t shown up. I had been an asshole to her lately.
Part of me didn’t think I deserved her love.
I stared up at her and drew my fingers gently across her high cheekbones, the curve of her nose, and down her jaw. Then, I just fucking cried. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. So many emotions were rushing through my head.
Mom had killed herself. I now had to take care of Ana by myself. And all I wanted was to tell Imani that I loved her before it was too late and she left me too. I could barely get through last night with her by my side.
If she hadn’t been here …
Closing my eyes, I blinked back some tears and clenched my jaw. I didn’t know if I would’ve survived last night without her. Still, I couldn’t fathom what had been going through Mom’s head yesterday when she took those pills—whatever the fuck they were.
How could she leave us? How could she have been so selfish?
What the hell was I supposed to tell Ana?
Ana.
I shot up in Imani’s arms and looked around the room, trying to figure out where the hell she had gone off to last night. I had been such a mess that I could barely think straight, and now, she was gone and I—
“Lie back down with me,” Imani whispered, her eyes opened slightly and her arms wrapping back around my shoulders. “Ana is at my house with Landon and Kai. She’s safe. Landon called this morning when he got there.”
Relief washed over me, yet so much guilt ran through my body as well. I’d pushed Mom to do this. I hadn’t let her see Ana while she was getting high, and now, Ana wouldn’t ever see her again. I’d punished Ana for Mom’s wrongdoings.
“How are you feeling?”
“This is my fault,” I whispered.
Almost immediately, Imani scrambled around me to sit beside me instead of behind me. She grabbed my face in her soft hands, forcing me to look at her, then shook her head. “This isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have stopped this.”
“All I wanted was for her to get clean,” I said, hurt spreading throughout my body.
“You tried your hardest,” Imani said. “This was her decision.”
I placed my hands over my face and hung my head low. “I tried so fucking hard.”
Imani crawled into my lap, straddling my waist, and tugged my hands away from my face, so she could see how fucking broken I was, how many tears streamed down my cheeks, how much this destroyed my soul.
“You couldn’t have done anything,” Imani whispered, brushing my tears away with her thumbs. “You tried to get her clean. You supported your family the best way you could, being only a teenager still. You’re not even out of high school yet, João.”
My hands came around her waist, and I clutched her so tightly. I didn’t want her to disappear from me too. I needed her more than I had been leading on, more than anyone even thought, even myself.
I couldn’t lose her.
Fingers digging into her frame, I inhaled sharply and shook my head. “What am I going to tell Ana? How do I tell her that her mother didn’t love her enough to … to stay alive? To watch her grow up, to watch her survive?”
Imani stayed quiet for a long time. “I can’t fathom how you’re feeling,” she whispered. “But I know that your mother loved you both so fucking much, João. She sold her body every single night to give you both the best life she could. She loved you and Ana.”
But it felt like she hadn’t. If she had, why would she have done this to us?
“Promise me that you won’t ever leave me,” I said, struggling to keep eye contact with her because I hated showing my feelings, but I wanted her to know that I was serious this time. “Promise me, Imani.” I grasped her tighter. “I can’t lose you. I can’t fucking lose you.”
“I’m not going to leave you,” she whispered, dragging her fingers through my hair again.
“Promise me.”
“I promise that I won’t ever leave you,” she said.
My heart swelled, my chest tightening. I stared into her glossy brown eyes and couldn’t believe that after everything I had done to her, after everything that had happened, she was still here with me. She hadn’t left.
“I love you,” I whispered, my voice trembling. “I love you so fucking much, Imani Abara.”
