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"He loves me too, Risk."
"He's a fucking cop, Jessie," he growls at me.
"H-he told you?" I grip the phone tightly, more tears springing to my eyes. He told the truth. Fear for him washes through me in a flood. Pride for him ripples the flow like an undercurrent. It's a dangerous, stupid thing, a gamble. I want to throttle him for risking it. I want to kiss him for risking it.
"Oh, he told us," Risk says. "He didn't have much fucking choice considering that he was planning a raid on the goddamn Savages' territory the same night we were. Had he not told us…" he trails off into a string of curses. I think this is the first time my brother has ever told me anything about the club and what they do. Usually, he's so tight-lipped that I can't pry even a single hint out of him about the things they do.
"He told you to protect you," I whisper.
Risk snorts.
"I'm serious, Risk. He told you to protect you."
"Don't recall asking for his protection, Jessie girl. In fact, I don't recall us asking him for anything but honesty and loyalty."
"That's not fair!" I cry, drawing the eyes of several students passing by. I turn slightly on the bench, shutting them out with my shoulder to them. This conversation is between me and my brother. "He never wanted to do any of this, but he didn't have a choice. What they were doing was wrong. Someone had to stop them."
"He could have told the truth."
"You guys never would have let him in the front door."
Risk doesn't say anything. He knows I'm right.
"Outlaw MCs don't talk to cops. They don't work with them. Had he knocked on the door and told you guys what he wanted, you would have laughed him off the property," I say. "He did what he had to do to save the people who needed him. You would have done the same thing."
"Nah, baby sister," Risks says. "I wouldn't. I'm not a fucking cop."
"It ate at him, you know. The fact that he had to lie to everyone. You might not have seen it, but I did. You might think he's just a cop, but he always viewed you as a brother. He always did everything he could to protect you guys."
"Bullshit."
"He gave me up," I whisper, tears welling in my eyes.
"What are you talking about?"
"He gave me up," I say again. "He stayed because you guys needed him to finish it. Because those women needed him to finish it. Because that's what I asked of him. Even knowing that doing it meant he couldn't be with me, he stayed. So before you sit there and judge and hate him, put yourself in his shoes. He gave up everything." My voice cracks. "Everything."
"Jesus, Jessie."
"It's true. He was ready to walk away, but I wouldn't let him." I wipe tears from my eyes, but it doesn't really help. More immediately well to take their place, blurring the hallway around me. "I told him to go back and finish it. So I guess if you guys are going to hurt him, you should hurt me too."
"Don't say that," Risk snaps.
"Why not? It's true. He's there because of me. I'm the one who sent him back there." I laugh hysterically even though there's nothing funny at all. I feel like I'm losing my mind. How did everything get so messed up? All I wanted was to live my own life. Instead, we're here, with my life in shambles, Devil in shackles, and the whole damn world feeling like it hangs in the balance. "I'm the reason he doesn't have a job."
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"What do you think happens to cops who fall in love while undercover? Or to cops who betray their oaths, Risk? They don't get to keep being cops. You think the FBI isn't pounding on your door because they feel charitable?" I ask, not sure how he didn't already reach that conclusion himself. Well, that's not true. I know why he hasn't gotten there yet. He's too damn stubborn to see through his anger. But sooner or later, he'll realize I'm right. The only reason the FBI isn't knocking on the clubhouse door with warrants for the brothers is because Devil refused to turn on them.
And he'll take the fall for that. He might not go to jail for it, but he won't keep his badge. In their eyes, he's been compromised. He got too close to the "bad guys" and lost his way. They'll never trust him again, not the way they need to be able to trust him. He did that for the Diamond Kings…to keep their secrets. To keep them safe. Because that's what I asked of him.
He loves me, so much that he was willing to risk everything, to sacrifice everything to keep his word to me. He risked his life for his job and his job for my family. And he did it without even knowing if I'd ever forgive him or want to see him again. Because that's how much he loves me. Because that's how much he believes in me.
God, I'm an idiot.
It's my turn to fight for him.
"He knows about Roach," I tell Risk. "He knows about everything you guys do. But you're all still free because he wouldn't turn on you. That's loyalty. That's brotherhood. If that's not good enough for you guys, then you don't deserve him." I take a breath. "And if you guys don't want him, then you don't get me either."
