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ChapterOne
“Ti voglio bene. Tornerò appena posso. Don’t forget, Holly.” I wake with a jolt as T’s voice whispers in my ear.
“T?” I question into the darkness, getting no response. It’s been the same routine for the past three nights. I’m wearing one of his shirts, I have one of his suit jackets wrapped around me like a blanket, and I’m sleeping on the chair. Because I can’t for the life of me get into the bed, knowing he won’t be joining me. “When?” I yell into the emptiness. “When the hell are you coming back?” I pick up the glass of wine I left on the table next to me and throw it against the wall.
I’ve never endured a pain like this. I thought I knew grief after my brother died, but this is so much worse. It’s like a part of me is dead too.I feel dead.I don’t want to live a life where T doesn’t exist. How can this happen? We’ve only had weeks together. This is not how our story was meant to end. How can someone you’ve known for such a short period of time seep so far into your soul that you’re left with nothing but shattered pieces of who you were before them? How am I meant to go on, pretending I’m okay?
I’m not okay. This is not okay.
I need T. He has to come back. He just has to. Or I have to get to him. I know the thoughts running through my head right now are not good, but I can’t live with this pain. And I can’t live withouthim.
I pick up a piece of glass from the floor. Falling to my knees, I hold the broken shard to my face, staring at the ghost of my reflection. One slice. It would only take onegoodslice, and I’d be able to see him again.
The door opens in a frenzy, the heavy panel slamming against the wall. “Fuck! Holly, no. Put that fucking down.Now.” Neo rushes over to me, snatching the glass from my fingers. “This is not the fucking answer.”
“I-I-I can’t breathe.” I heave as the tears fall down my face. I don’t even care that he’s seeing me cry. I don’t care about anything anymore. I just need T.
“Shh, it’s going to be okay. I’ve got you.” Neo picks me up and carries me out of the bedroom. Sitting me on the sofa in the common area, he looks down at me for a moment before lifting me in his arms again, walking into the kitchen, and placing me on the stool at the bench. I let him move me around. What’s it matter? It doesn’t. Nothing does. “I’ll make you some tea.”
“Why is this happening? This wasn’t meant to happen. I need him, Neo. I need him so much.”
“I know, Hol, so do I,” he says as he goes about boiling the kettle. He mumbles something under his breath in Italian, but I don’t catch what he says.
“Ti voglio bene. Tornerò appena posso—what does it mean?” I ask.
Neo’s body freezes, before he takes a deep breath and turns around. “Why?”
“I keep hearing it in my sleep. It’s stupid, I know. But that’s what Theo says in my dream. He said it to me on the phone that day too. I want to know what it means.”
“He said that to you? Fucking idiot.” Neo shakes his head. “You’re far too smart for him, Holly.”
“Don’t say that about him. What does it mean?”
“It means:I love you. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
I repeat the words over and over in my head.I’ll be back as soon as I can.Does that mean he’s not really gone? I’ve had this niggling thought—this feeling in my gut—that he wasn’t in that building when it blew up. But if he wasn’t, where the hell is he? And why the bloody hell would he put me through all this pain?
“Here, drink this.” Neo places a steaming cup in front of me. I don’t take it. I don’t want to drink it. I watch as Neo turns his back to me, pulling out his phone and texting someone. He gets an instant reply and curses in Italian;thoseare the words I’ve picked up on quickly.
I know it’s probably my own wishful thinking, but I can’t help but think he’s texting T. Does he know where he is? What are they up to? The hope that blooms in my chest gives me something. And I need thatsomething—to hold on to it—because it’s this tiny flicker of optimism that will push me forward each day.
I’ll be back as soon as I can.He’s coming back. He has to. “Is he coming back?” I ask the question aloud this time, and Neo pivots to face me.
“No, Hol, he’s not. I’m sorry it’s not the answer you want to hear. But he’s gone.”
“I don’t believe you. You’re hiding something. Wait… did you do this? Did you arrange for him to be in that building when it blew up? You’re his underboss, right? Which means you have a lot to gain with T gone.” I stand and back away.
“What the fuck? No! You think you’re the only one hurting here? Guess what, princess?You’re fucking not. Do you really think I wanna do this? To be stuck babysitting your ass while someone out there is responsible for killing my best fucking friend? No, I fucking don’t. I shouldn’t be here. I should be hunting down the fucker who took him from us.”
“Then why aren’t you?”
“Because of you, Holly. If anything happens to you, T will never fucking forgive me, dead or otherwise.”
“What could possibly happen to me? You need to go and find who did this. I want their bloody head on a spike. I want to see them suffer. I want… I want T back!” I yell.
“We both do. So, tell me, Holly, just what were you planning to do with that piece of glass?” I don’t look at him. I can’t admit that the brief thought of ending it all, ending the pain, crossed my mind. “That’s what I thought. You hurting yourself won’t fix anything, Hol. Promise me you won’t do something that fucking stupid.” Neo stops in front of me, tugging me into an embrace.
It’s not right. These aren’t the arms I need wrapped around me right now. I pull away when there’s a knock at the door. “Are you expecting someone?” I ask.
