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Not before having sex with Rett. Not after.
The guilt of lying in Rett’s bed had been crushing, so I left. To avoid him trying to convince me to stay, I snuck out after he’d finally fallen asleep. I didn’t want to have to explain myself or get into a disagreement about me not staying the whole night.
I couldn’t.
I just couldn’t.
What made it worse, as annoying as he was, I liked Rett. As much as I didn’t want to, I liked him.
If I only wanted to find someone for sex, I could’ve found that elsewhere. A nameless stranger in a nearby town. It wasn’t difficult to find an anonymous hookup. Apps were available for that.
But I didn’t want anyone else and that bothered me. I was also aggravated at myself since I thought I’d never want anyone again.
After losing Thomas, I vowed to remain celibate for the rest of my life. Mistakenly telling myself I wouldn’t need anyone. That he had been my one and only. That I wouldn’t care about anyone the same way as I had my husband. That I could spend my remaining days alone and I’d be just fine.
The hard truth was, I was far from fine.
I was far from anything, except confused.
While the thoughts in my head were jumbled, one thing was clear…
Having sex with Rett last night made me realize how empty I was inside and what remained of my former self was a ghost.
I twisted my wedding band around my left ring finger. It shouldn’t be cold metal. It should be searing me, burning my flesh for breaking my vows. To Thomas. To myself. To our union.
Clearly I was weak by allowing my attraction to Rett to drive me to break my personal vow of never being with anyone again.
I spun my ring faster.
And faster.
“Fuck!” I jerked it off my finger and whipped it as hard and as far as I could. “You did this to me. You! You didn’t only hurt yourself, you damaged me beyond repair! Why the hell would you think that was okay? That leaving me would be okay? It’s not. You destroyed yourself and you destroyed me along with you.”
My knees could no longer hold me and folded under the crushing weight. They sank into the soft earth along the lake’s edge and I curled over myself, trying to ease the unbearable ache in my stomach and chest.
I screamed until my voice cracked. Until my throat was raw. Until my vision swam before me from the tears I could no longer hold back. I couldn’t stop my chest from cracking open, exposing the hole where my heart used to be.
By Thomas easing his own pain, he left behind the person he loved with a devastating and damaging loss.
My chest heaved with a scream that had no beginning and no end. I could no longer catch my breath as sobs wracked my body. Until I had nothing left to escape.
I was cracking open and the hollowness inside being exposed.
I lost track of time as it all came crashing down on and around me.
It wasn’t until my thoughts began to clear, when I could breathe again, when I had nothing left to expel, I realized what I had done.
Something I shouldn’t have.
I straightened and scanned the lake. “Fuck!” My curse was amplified across the flat water. “Fuck!”
Why the hell would I do that? I just threw away an important part of my marriage. The symbol that bound us. The ring he had picked specifically for me. The only reminder I had left besides his ashes, some photos and memories.
I surged to my feet and bolted into the water, not wanting to take the time to strip off my clothes. I had no idea where it landed, but I needed to retrieve it before it got sucked into the muck at the bottom and could never be found again.
I wasn’t coming out of that water until I did.
Until I had it within my fingers.
Starting where I thought it might have landed, I dove under the chilly water. My boots immediately became heavy buckets and my clothes water-logged, the weight dragging me to the bottom.
Even with my eyes open, I couldn’t see in the murky water so I raked my fingers through the mud, searching by touch.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And a whole lot of nothing.
My water-filled boots made it impossible to kick my feet and a struggle to swim. I worried the ring had landed in the water where it was too deep.
But, damn it, I didn’t know where it ended up. I only knew it was no longer where it belonged. On my finger.
Jesus. I wasn’t getting out until I found it. Even if I ended up in a watery grave.
I continued to frantically search. With every rake of my fingers through the mud, it made the water even cloudier, now making it impossible to see even a few inches in front of my face.
