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“Got lots of cousins like you,” I say. “Maybe she could fuck one of them.”
“But she likes you,” he says. “It would actually earn me points.” He’s serious, I realize.
I don’t say anything.
“She’d pay you, if you need the money.”
I stare him down. He’s unflinching, staring back.
“You’re used to that, right?” he says, trying to push me down. “Getting paid to fuck people…or get fucked by people.” He tilts his head, waiting for me to crack under the weight of his question.
I’m not giving him the satisfaction. I just hold his gaze. “And your point?”
“Maybe you’d like it,” he says into a shrug.
“Nah,” I say. “I didn’t like it then. Not going to like it now.”
“If you didn’t like it, why’d you do it?” he questions.
I give him a look like he’s outta his mind. “You know why.”
“Maybe I want to hear you say it.”
Finally, I put the cigarette to my lips. He tosses me a lighter, and I flame the end. Blowing out smoke, I tell Colin, “There’s no choice when it comes to this family, and you know that.” There is so much darkness in this house, this place, my family—darkness that I haven’t sunken back into in a long, long time.
I already miss the moon.
The girl who’s bright enough to cast light over the whole darkened world. My world. My universe, the one that looks fucked up on the inside, but it’s about the most beautiful thing that I have. My life.
My friends. Who showed me that living is more than just surviving. That living could be loving, and so I’m sitting here and remembering what matters. Them.
All of them.
“We all make our choices,” Colin says after taking a drag. “I’m surprised you didn’t bring what’s-his-name.” His jaw tenses even subtly bringing up Farrow.
They consider Farrow an impenetrable wall that wouldn’t crumble for anything. I think they imagined I’d come running back, but I had support outside.
I had better friends.
Reasons to stay away.
Farrow ensured I’d never get pulled back in by my family. When my dad called from prison, I’d often pass the phone to my friend. Avoiding that spoonful of manipulation—I tried, knowing that some part of me likes to please those around me and they’d take advantage of that.
“He’s busy,” I lie to Colin, who doesn’t need to know I’ve told Farrow jack-shit about this meet-up.
I haven’t wanted my friend to be vacuumed into this ugly rabbit hole. Ever since Farrow married Maximoff Hale, my family has been thinking they’re three-degrees from a mountain of cash, and Farrow doesn’t need to get roped up in that.
It’s for me to figure out.
Quiet unfolds between me and Colin. He has a strange glimmer in his eye. One that quickens my pulse, and I just take another drag.
There’s this feeling in the back of my head that this whole thing has been orchestrated. Like Colin has been preparing for this conversation. Who’s he been talking to? No clue.
At one point, everyone I recognized by name was in prison. My whole family.
Even Colin.
But my dad, uncles, cousins, Mom—they aren’t idiots. They’re smart enough to hide in the shadows for years and years. They get caught. They get out. They get caught again. Like my mom, who got sent back for breaking parole.
My dad is still out.
They’re addicts. The cycle keeps churning, no matter the consequence.
“That’s too bad,” Colin says dryly, “I would’ve liked to talk to him.”
To Farrow? Yeah, right.
Colin can act like the tough guy, but he would’ve resorted to swinging at Farrow, who’s been training in MMA since he was five.
I’m done skirting around what needs to be said. “Why’d you steal the Meadows’ Jeep?” I question.
“I told you, I didn’t. Aiden already confessed to it, if you haven’t heard. He’s been booked.” He must’ve owed Colin for something, or Colin promised him drugs when he gets out.
“Did you know I’d come here to tell you to stop fucking with these families and my job?”
He ponders with the slant of his head. Ash collects on the end of the cigarette. “I hoped you might.”
I tense, the world tilting around me. Maybe I shouldn’t have come and played into their hand. Maybe this was all a mistake. But they feel like my problem to handle first. No one else’s.
“Stay away from them,” I warn, angrier now. “If any of you do anything—”
“You’ll what?” Colin furrows his brows at me, mockingly. Like I’m pretending to be the big bad wolf, the tough guy—I’ve never been that to my family.
I’m the guy who ran away.
Who fled.
Who had reasons to stay away. And those reasons are the same reasons why I’m back.
“You have no leverage, Paul,” he tells me like I’m dense.
“Those families are more powerful than three-hundred of ours,” I remind him. “They’ll chew the Donnellys up and spit ‘em out like they’re nuthin’.”
