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Chapter 23
Zephyr
Therewasnothinglike cocooning under a blanket, lying down on soft pillows and clean sheets, and letting time pass by while hiding from the world.
Zephyr didn’t know how much time had passed since the moment she’d come to the apartment, and she didn’t care. She’d cried, showered and washed everything away, and dyed her hair blue like her heart. Nothing said change like hair color. She’d cried some more, taken a week of work, and slept. And when she’d woken up, she’d stayed in bed, never wanting to get out of it. She knew she was having one of her depressive episodes, the ones she’d been having since her hormonal imbalance years ago, but she wasn’t bothered. She felt what she felt and it was valid, and if it was a depressive void, well she was going to drown in it. She’d either emerge on the other side, or she wouldn’t. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.
At least, staying in bed, she’d come to the decision to just let it all go, let him and the memories of him go. Once she felt better, she would contact a lawyer and get the divorce paperwork done. She would send Victor a message and ask him to arrange to have her stuff boxed and sent back. And she would record a message for Alpha, telling him it wasn't working, wish him the best, and set him free to live his life without any baggage.
And just the thought of doing that made her eyes wet but she would do it. She would let him go. Maybe someday, she'd be happy with someone again.
You’ll never be enough.
You love, and love, and love, and still lose it all.
No one loves you back.
The ugly voice whispered, and Zephyr stayed under her cocoon, hiding from it.
It was just an episode. It would pass, and she’d go back to being her jovial self on the outside at least. She hoped it was soon because her sister was worried about her and she didn’t want that. If she took too long, her family would get involved, and that would just do more harm than good, as well-intentioned as they may be. She’d be put on medication that made her slightly numb, and eventually, it would get better.
You’re worthless, you fool. You trust too much. It’ll never matter.
Maybe the numbing medication wasn’t such a bad idea. Anything that could push back the black sludge spreading inside her, eclipsing the light she loved, slowly taking over her mind, one ugly thought at a time.
She heard her door open, and stayed under the blankets in the darkened room, knowing it was just Zen checking up on her.
She’d be fine.
Fine, but not loved. Never loved.
She inhaled a breath through her mouth, keeping her eyes closed, letting it pass. It would pass. No matter how bad it got, everything passed.
The door clicked shut, and she stayed the way she was, hoping for sleep and sweet, sweet oblivion from the eclipse.
The bed dipped near her hip, and she really hoped Zen would just check her pulse and let her be for a while. Her sister, thanks to all her work with survivors she did, was really good at understanding what someone needed at a certain time. She’d always been like that, emphatic despite being quiet. And Zephyr needed space to let the ungly be without it touching anyone else
The blanket lifted up, and a body settled down behind her.
Strong, muscular arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her back into a large, hard body, the scent of wilderness and musk she instinctively recognized pooling her senses.
She froze, completely stiffened, trying to process this development.
In all her projections of the future, and she'd had many owing to her overactive imagination, there had not had one possibility where he came to find her. She’d always just assumed that he’d say good riddance, let her be, and simply live on as he always had.
This was unexpected, and she didn’t know how to feel. Was she happy he was there? Sad? Angry? Resentful? Bitter? Loving? What was she feeling?
She wished emotions were like flowers, pretty and color-coded so she could pick and choose which ones she wanted at what time. For some, maybe they were. Not for her. Her flowers had thorns, and they made her bleed.
And it didn’t escape her notice that it was the first time he was holding her in his embrace like that, his solid heat and strength wrapped around her, better than her blankets, she had to admit. Yet, she couldn’t relax into him. Her heart, bruised as it was, recognized him as both its tormentor and its healer, and she let it fight the internal battle, too tired to bother. He wanted to hold her, now of all times? She’d let him, keeping in mind each time he hadn’t, each time he'd rebuffed her or walked away when she'd needed the affection.
His arm tightened around her waist, giving her a soft squeeze, his lips kissing her skin under her neck. The other arm he settled under her head, plastering her body to himself. He inhaled the spot her neck and her shoulder met. He rubbed her stomach softly with his large palm. He gave her little squeezes in between.
And she hated the way her traitor heart fluttered at his tender petting.
“I miss you, rainbow.”
His gruff words in that deep voice made her clench her eyes shut.
