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“Okay, I believe you. Finish telling me.”
“He made me dinner. He wouldn’t let me help. I just sat on the counter, talking to him. It was so…hell, normal? Not sure that’s the word, but it reminded me of what it’s supposed to be like. Two lovers spending time together at home, talkin’ and eatin’ and just bein’. I never had that and probably won’t again afterward. Right after dinner we went our separate ways. He woke me up in the middle of the night to suck his dick and then left and went back to his room. We didn’t do much talkin’ the rest of the weekend. He said he was busy and had shit to do, spent most of the time in his bedroom. When he wanted me, he came to me. We sucked each other off a few times both yesterday and today. Before I left, he gave me my money, and here I am.”
There was no denying exactly what we were doing, no chance in me falling for him or expecting more. How could I?
Molly started running her fingers through my hair. She did that when she was concerned. “Was it weird? Taking money from him? Or hell, being his sex toy because that’s basically what you are. He ignores you until he has a use for you?”
I sighed, grabbed her hand and kissed her palm. “I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand. I need to do this. I want to do this.”
“I hear you.”
Clearly, Molly thought this wasn’t a good idea, but I loved that I could do something she disagreed with, and it would never affect how she felt about me. I thought maybe she was the only person in the world who cared about me that much. No matter how much I’d done for my mama, I wasn’t sure she felt the same. I knew she loved me, but I also believed love came with stipulations for a lot of people. Mine didn’t. Molly’s didn’t. But I couldn’t say for sure about my own mama, and that always left me feeling a little cold inside.
I didn’t stay long at Molly’s before I headed home. Mom was there and gave me a small smile when I walked inside. “Hey, Sammy.” I could tell by looking at her that she was sober, but her voice confirmed it. I’d become an expert on my mom over my life. Even if I wasn’t with her, all it took was hearing her speak on the phone to know. When something affected your life the way her drinking did mine, when you watched for signs and studied behaviors so you always knew what to expect, it became a part of you. That’s how it was with me, at least.
“Hi, Mama. How was your weekend?”
“Good. I did some summer cleaning. I rearranged my bedroom and was thinking about trying to get into knitting again.”
“Good. That’s real good.” I liked it when she did things like that. It was when I could tell she was trying hard to make her sobriety last. She’d been in programs a few times, but the good ones were expensive, and she always ended up leaving them anyway. I walked over and kissed her cheek, feeling better than I probably had any right feeling. But I’d had orgasms with Emerson all weekend, and Mom was sober. For now, that was enough.
“Did you have a good time with Molly?”
“I had a great weekend,” I replied, not confirming who I was with. The words still tasted bitter because of how carefully constructed they were, but that was just my reality.
“You need to marry that girl. Women don’t want to wait forever. If you’re not careful, you’re going to lose her. A man needs a good woman by his side.”
No, they didn’t. That was okay for people who wanted that, but I didn’t. “How come everyone assumes Molls wants to get married and I don’t? Maybe we’re on the same page. Maybe she doesn’t want more. Maybe she’s an independent woman who wouldn’t want to marry me even if I asked.”
She waved her hand as if I was being ridiculous. “All women want that. I couldn’t wait to marry your daddy. He was my whole world.”
That I could vouch for. I’d been nine when he took off, and she hadn’t been the same since. That’s when the drinking started. Said if she’d been better, he would have stayed, but I thought he’d just wanted the hell out of Ryland and didn’t give a shit about us.
“Molly’s happy with her life just the way it is. And…” I shifted, weight bearing down my gut. “Molly’s my best friend. Would it be a terrible thing if that’s all we were?” The shock on Mom’s face was clear, as was my surprise that I’d asked the question.
