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“Better than I ever coulda hoped,” I replied.
“Good. I want you to be happy. You know that, right?”
Did she, though? If that was what she wanted, wouldn’t she find a way to quit for good? To set me free from my responsibility of being a parent to her? But then, maybe this time was different. Maybe Emerson was right. “Yeah. I know that.”
We laughed throughout the meal. We laughed more than we had in a long time. It felt too good to be true.
When I took the trash out that night, I realized it was.
Peeking through a rip in a bag already there was a lid I recognized. Not for the first time in my life, I searched the trash. I found three empty bottles.
While I’d been distracted with Emerson, she’d found a way to hide it from me. I’d been too busy to notice, too wrapped up in my own life to realize she wasn’t sober at all.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Emerson
Sam: You’ll never guess what happened.
I frowned at the text. This was new. Until today, the only message we’d ever shared was the one where I’d given him my name. But then, we’d never had a weekend like the one we’d just shared either. He’d left twenty-four hours ago, and I wasn’t sure I’d ever felt so lonely in my life. I liked having him around. That was something I’d known, of course, even if not something I’d admitted for myself, but now the truth was always there, this tangible thing I couldn’t deny.
I liked him.
I missed him when he was gone.
I’d wanted to spend the rest of my life alone, and now the thought filled me with so much dread, I nearly choked on it.
Me: What? Is everything okay?
Sam: Yep. I just had to fire the guy who mows my lawn. He just didn’t cut it.
I barked out a laugh. It was absolutely ridiculous. He was absolutely ridiculous, but…had there ever been anyone who’d made me smile the way he did? I couldn’t help wanting to be in a good mood when I was around Sam. If he could go through what he had and still keep a smile on his face, why couldn’t I?
Me: That was horrible. I think it was likely the worst joke you’ve ever told me.
Sam: Betcha I made you smile, though. Makes me feel good doing that. I needed it tonight.
Worry took root in my bones. I didn’t question it, just called him. “What’s wrong?”
“Well, look at this. I’ve never talked on the phone to a man I was fuckin’.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked again. He liked to pretend I was the only one who tried not to talk about the important things. I was a lot worse about it than he was, but Sam wasn’t completely innocent either.
“Just my mama. Feels hopeless sometimes, ya know?”
“Yeah, I know. What happened?”
“Nothin’ big. Just my life. She’s been drinking. I don’t really want to talk about it, though. For the first time I got a sexy, older man on the phone with me, and I wanna revel in that some.”
I grinned. “Had to throw that older in there, didn’t ya?”
“Thought about calling you Daddy…”
“Don’t you dare.” We both laughed, even though nothing was really funny.
We sobered, were quiet for a moment, and then he said, “Only slept with ya twice, but now my arms feel empty.”
I was sitting on the back porch, but Sam got up early on weekdays, so I wasn’t surprised he was already in bed. “Bet your hole feels empty too,” I said, trying to play it off like he wasn’t admitting what he was. When I got nothing but the sound of his breathing in return, I added, “I feel it too. What are you doing to me? I’m not myself anymore, and I’m not sure how to deal with that. I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You can. And we’re not doin’ nothin’, really. At least not yet. Also, I think you got it all wrong, Em.”
“How’s that?”
“I don’t think it’s that you’re not yourself anymore. I think it’s finally that you are.”
I sat with those words, let them penetrate me, become the loud thump of my heart.
I wanted him to be right.
Tuesday
Sam: Bad news…the doctor said I got the peek-a-boo virus. They sent me straight to ICU.
Me: I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down.
Sam: Well, I’ll be damned. You got jokes now, huh?
Me: This really sexy younger guy is rubbing off on me.
Sam: This really sexy younger guy can’t wait to rub off on you this weekend.
I heard from Lydia on Wednesday. She emailed me a lot of information about rehab programs. There was a really good one in Tennessee. It wasn’t cheap, but then these things never were. She had a close friend who worked there and said she could put me in contact with them if I wanted, which I did. I just wasn’t sure how Sam would feel about it. Hell, I didn’t know how his mom would feel about it either. Sam was proud. He worked hard and wanted to take care of his family, but his love for his mom was stronger than pride. Sam would bite the bullet if it was what was best for his mom.
