AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Jesus, he was the bravest person I’d ever known. He lived and breathed by his big heart, always letting it guide him. He made me want to do the same, to learn to open myself up the way he did.
Me: I miss you too.
Sam: I know. He added a smile emoji.
Me: Now, how’s it really going?
I knew without seeing him that Sam sighed.
Sam: All right, I guess. It’s different now, lying about me and Molls. It’s taking everything in me not to blurt out about you…about me. I would never do that about you, though. Just wanted to. Mama doesn’t look good. She’s playing it off well, but I know her and she’s struggling. I just wanna walk away, which makes me feel like the biggest piece of shit there is.
Me: You’ve spent your whole life caring about others more than yourself. You’re the least selfish person I know. You couldn’t be a piece of shit if you tried. You care about others too much.
Sam: Aww, you’re making me blush.
Me: I’m serious.
Sam: I know. Listen…I should go. We’re about to have pie. I’m gonna come see you tomorrow. I kinda feel like blowing ya. Think we can make it happen?
Me: Only kinda? And yeah, we’ll make it happen.
Sam didn’t reply, and I figured he got pulled away by his family.
Charles opened the passenger door. “Jesus, that took forever. And this waitress in there was definitely flirting with me. She didn’t want to take no for an answer, and then I mentioned a hot guy and she got the message.”
“Was it me?” I teased.
“You’re hot?”
“I’m gorgeous and you know it.”
The scent of our burgers and fries filled the small space of the car. My stomach growled, and it took me a moment to realize I hadn’t eaten since the breakfast Sam made.
After we ate, Charles wanted to share a cigar on the back porch. I hadn’t smoked one in years, but I did enjoy them as a treat every once in a while, usually with him.
The air was muggy, but the ceiling fan on the screened porch helped. I could tell Charles had things on his mind. He wasn’t good at hiding that, and he would never hold it in, so I knew it was coming.
“Don’t screw this up.”
“Well, that’s cutting to the chase,” I replied.
“Would you expect anything less?” I shook my head, and he continued. “You remember things how you want to…you saw them how you wanted when you and Daniel were together too.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You didn’t let him down. You had an agreement. Then things became different for him, but not for you. That wasn’t your fault. He changed the rules of the game, and he had that right—well, not to change them, but to want them to change—and you tried to break it off with him, more than once.”
“He loved me,” I defended. “Of course he didn’t want that. I didn’t either.”
“Yes, but he doesn’t get to expect more from you, and when you tell him you can’t give it, then attempt to remove yourself from the situation, he’s not allowed to make it your fault. Daniel was good at being the victim and making everything your fault.”
“Stop,” I bit out.
“No, it’s true. I’m not saying he did it to be manipulative, but he did it all the same. The two of you argued constantly. You didn’t love him, and I don’t know that Daniel loved you, not really. He loved the idea of Bentley Fox. If you were being honest with yourself, you’d admit that, but instead you choose to blame yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. You did it while the two of you were together as well because it gave you a reason to hate yourself and you needed that, but…I don’t think you need it anymore.”
My chest got tight, my air coming out in short breaths that made me feel like I was hyperventilating. “No.” I shook my head, cracks deepening in my armor, the truth trying to bleed its way through.
“You know I’m right, Bent. You know it. You didn’t love Daniel, and that’s okay. You cared about him, but you weren’t in love with him. You hated yourself so damn much that it led everything you did, but…you love Sam.”
“Dan-iel,” my voice broke on his name.
“Is dead, and that’s a horrible tragedy. He didn’t deserve to die. He deserved a long and healthy life and to find someone he loved and who loved him, but that didn’t happen, and that’s not your fault. It’s time to stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in the world. It’s time to say goodbye to Daniel, and to that person you were with him, because you’re still alive, and damned if you don’t deserve to be happy. You and Daniel might not have been right for each other, but I believe he would have wanted you to be happy.”
