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“She’s doing well. She came through surgery just fine. She’ll be in recovery for a little while, but then you can see her.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it. Can you make sure she knows I’m here? That I’m not goin’ nowhere?”
The nurse smiled at me. “I sure will.”
The second she stepped out, heaviness weighed down the room again. Molly came over, and I hugged her. “Thank you for bein’ here and for bringing Em.”
“I love you, Sammy. You know there’s nowhere else I’d be.”
“I love you too.”
Me, Emerson, and Molly stood together for the next hour or so. I was getting antsy waiting, feeling the laser-sharp stare of my family as they watched us. Part of it was because Emerson was a man. I’d be lyin’ if I tried to tell myself it wasn’t, but I knew a lot of it was also who he was—older, not from home, someone who, in their eyes, had stabbed Daniel to death and then moved on to me.
It felt like there was always someone waiting to judge you for something—who you loved, how you lived, what they decided you did or didn’t do. Some people were guilty even when proven innocent, some innocent even if they were guilty. All depended on who you were. It was so damn exhausting.
My stomach growled, and I swayed a little.
“You okay?” Emerson’s hand rested on my nape.
“I haven’t eaten since dinner last night. I think it’s startin’ to get to me.”
“I’ll go and get you something. Sit down. Your blood sugar is low.”
“Yessir,” I replied, and he shook his head. I watched as Emerson disappeared from the room and waited because I knew it was coming.
I was surprised when it was only Aunt Sherry who came over to me. “Molly, can I speak to Sammy alone for a second?”
Molly looked my way, and I nodded. “I’ll walk down with Emerson. I’ll be back.” She squeezed my hand, then went after my boyfriend. Damn, it would take some getting used to, thinking of him that way.
My aunt sat beside me. “You’re homosexual?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
Was that really a question? “I think I’d know.”
“I don’t understand. You’ve been with Molly for years. You dated other girls before her. And now that man has his hooks in you, and suddenly you’re…”
“Gay. You can say the word. It’s not bad or anything. I was gay long before Emerson. Do you honestly think Ryland makes it easy for someone to come out? Makes it okay for someone to be different? I’ve spent my life knowin’ and lyin’ about it for the comfort of others. I can’t do that no more. I won’t.”
“There are programs—”
“Don’t,” I cut her off. “I don’t need to change who I am. I wouldn’t want to, even if I could.”
“I don’t trust him. He took advantage of you. You’re younger and more vulnerable and—”
“Stop!” My tone was more forceful this time, maybe more so than it had ever been when speaking to my aunt. “He didn’t do anything wrong. I love him. I’ve spent my whole life livin’ it for other people, not knowin’ what I want, but now I do. I want him.” And yet, I still wasn’t living for myself, was I? Because I wanted to leave, I wanted to know what it was like outside of Ryland, and now I was staying.
I was so fucking angry at the world, at life, at Mama.
“Mr. Saunders? You can see her now,” the same nurse from earlier said, and I scrambled to my feet. “Just one for now,” she added when my aunt followed.
I said a silent thank-you to whoever might be listening.
My gut twisted up, my head feeling light both from nerves and not having eaten. Mom had accidents when she was drunk before—bruises from hitting herself on something, a black eye, cuts. But this was different. She’d had surgery because she’d gotten hit by a car, and how was I supposed to do this? How was I supposed to keep her safe? I’d known she was drinking again, but I didn’t do a thing. I just spent my weekends with Emerson like it wasn’t happening. How could I ever forgive myself for that?
Her eyes were closed when I went into the room. “Mama?” I asked, and they fluttered open. As soon as her gaze landed on me, tears welled and bled over. She was a mess. She had oxygen in her nose and IVs hooked up everywhere.
She winced when she tried to lift her hand to wipe her tears. “Shh. I’ll do it,” I said.
“So…rry.”
“Shh. We don’t gotta talk about that now.” I dried her face with Kleenex. “Everything will be okay.” But I didn’t know if that was true or not.
Mom slept most of the next few days. Molly, Uncle Bob, Jasper, and Sutton left later that first day after surgery. Aunt Sherry left the following one. We didn’t mention Emerson or my queerness to each other or to Mama. Em got us a room at a hotel close to the hospital. He wouldn’t go back to Ryland without me, and damned if I wasn’t thankful for that.
