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“Oh, the baby’s moving again.” I yawned and put a hand to my stomach. It was the weirdest thing when I’d first felt it. Like when you had a muscle spasm, except it was inside my stomach. Like a fluttering.
Leander all but launched himself off the bed to get to me so he could press his hand against my stomach. The butterflies feeling had already stopped and I laughed at him, half in-half-out of the bed, his leg still perched awkwardly on the several pillows as he reached for my belly.
“It’s stopped,” I said, urging him back on to the bed.
“Tell me sooner next time.”
“I still barely know when I’m feeling it!” I laughed. “And the book says it’ll still be a long time till you can feel it from the outside.” I’d been smiling all week because of it. If the little bean was moving, then they were healthy.
Leander winced as he got back into the bed. Milo was out doing some shopping so I hopped out of my chair by the bed up to help him settle back in.
“Are you in pain? Do you need help shifting?”
He just shook his head as he rearranged himself.
“Are you hungry? I could pop out and get something.”
Another shake of the head.
“Are you sure? Or I could get a snack from the kitchen?”
“I’m fine.”
“Really, it’s not a problem, I can just—”
“Hope. Stop. Just stop. For one second stop running around trying to fix everything. And everyone. You’re pregnant. You need a break too.”
I paused, taken aback. The first week he’d been quite groggy before he got stricter about cutting down the pain meds. Last week he’d just wanted to be distracted, though he was easily irritated by Milo and anytime Janus came by. So we’d played games. Crosswords.
This week he’d been different still, going much quieter. Internal. He just wanted the TV on… though I caught him staring at the wall most of the time instead of watching. I wasn’t sure it was a good or bad sign, so I’d been trying to be extra considerate.
But when he reached over and interlaced his fingers with mine, I was more surprised still.
“Just sit here with me for a while?” he asked. “No TV, no distractions?”
“Oh.” I blinked as he squeezed my hand with his. It was so nice. “Okay.”
A small smile graced his lips. “I really appreciate all you’ve been doing for me. I’m sorry I haven’t said so before now. I know I’m not the best patient.”
“You’re fine,” I said. “You’re doing amazing. Really.”
He looked towards the window and the smile dropped from his face. “Am I? I’ve been having a lot of time to think about things. Kinda hard to avoid when you’re stuck in bed twenty-four-seven. I know you’ll be shocked to hear this,” he chuckled, his voice low and husky, “but I don’t always handle my, uh, emotions the best.”
I felt my eyes widen. Wow. He was really going there? Afraid I’d say the wrong thing, I just nodded.
“Mom never really… I mean, the reason we were such good actors was because kids mirror their parents. And she just…” He shook his head, rubbing his thumb over this several days of scruff on his chin. “She was so natural at having two faces—the one she showed everyone else, and the one she had at home. So of course Janus, Milo, and I were all natural actors. As kids we did the same thing she was doing, except we did it to please her. Reacting to her, walking on eggshells to try to make her happy, learning to be just as gymnastic as she was with our moods.”
I nodded even though my chest hurt at hearing it. “I’m so sorry.”
I climbed up onto the bed beside him, ever so careful not to disturb his leg. “I know a little bit about what that’s like. I could never be myself around my dad. He expected me to be a certain way and if I wasn’t like that… Well, I don’t know. I never tried anything else until I left. And then I didn’t know who I was. I was just this blank slate of carved-out pieces—what I’d tried to be for him my whole life.” I looked back up at him after a pause. “What was it like for you?”
His jaw was hard. “I hate that for you.”
I nodded. “I’m figuring it out. Way too late. Embarrassingly late. You and Milo and Janus have been helping me with the last few pieces. But I’m sure it was different for you. As a guy and without the religious stuff.”
He squeezed my hand again. “I don’t know. A toxic, controlling parent is still gonna mess you up one way or another.”
I nodded.
“As a teenager, I thought I knew everything,” he continued, just when I thought he wouldn’t. I was so surprised because this was just when Janus would have closed up. He only ever revealed tidbits at a time, but Leander was really opening up to me.
