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But they kept secrets from me. I still wasn’t fully on the inside.
Even if everything Lena said had been lies—and Leander already admitted it wasn’t—but even if it could be chalked up as some big misunderstanding…
If I stepped back and looked at the situation I’d gotten myself into… I let my head fall forward, rain spattering my hair and the back of my neck.
That was just it.
I’d been running headfirst into a storm this entire time. From the word go. From the very moment Milo called me that day and invited me over for the insanity that was that first unorthodox interview.
Everything had happened so quickly, one thing after another. And then I was pregnant and Leander stopped me from leaving and—
By the end, I’d convinced myself we were making it work.
But really, wasn’t I just doing what I’d done my whole life growing up? I was the one straining to make everyone a happy, happy family regardless of how it was affecting me. I hadn’t even stopped to think about how I felt about everything. I wanted it to work. Their bodies were a comforting solidity at night. They said the right things, on occasion anyway. So if at times I was the putty holding it all together, navigating tempers and walking the tightrope between egos…
All because what? The thought of being on my own alone with this baby, no, these babies—God, I could still barely wrap my head around the fact that there were two—
Getting this job and then going off with Milo and the twins for the summer to Italy was supposed to be me taking a risk for once and living a fantasy.
Well, it had definitely been risky. And this was suddenly all too real. Now I was about to enter my third trimester with freaking twins.
And while Leander had been sweet lately and so open about his past—I snorted. He really was a good actor. Because what I’d taken for vulnerability couldn’t have really been all that honest if he’d been covering the fact that that his brother had taken the fall for him back then. It was true he’d never mentioned anything about juvie and I’d never asked, but still… We’d talked about the accident, and he’d lied straight to my face.
Then there was Leander’s past behavior to consider.
Yes, he was being nice now. He was also laid up with his leg in a cast, relying on me as his attractive nursemaid who liked to find creative ways to fuck him in spite of his injury. But what about when our lives went back to restful and it wasn’t constantly on me to serve him and his needs twenty-four-seven? When we had not one, but two needy little babies who required attention?
Would he go back to being a jerk, leaving me to pick up all the slack and be the grownup in the relationship?
And then there was Janus. It seemed so ridiculous to think of Janus doing anything like what Lena said he had. But still. My hand went to my belly. I’d checked and double-checked about taking the birth control. Though it seemed like I was always reading about how someone or other got pregnant on the pill. I could just be paranoid because of what Lena said.
But Janus… I frowned. He’d just been so sure since the beginning. So sure of what he wanted. That this odd little family unit could work even before there were actual children involved.
And I’d been so scared when I first got pregnant, I’d allowed Janus’s sureness to be my sureness. It was the comforting dynamic of our play. He led and I followed.
Yes, of course, this was a sane thing to do, I let myself accept without question.
Yes, of course, it would all work out.
Yes, of course, fucking three men and then having their twins… while not knowing who the father is… It was a great life path. Also an aces career move. Especially as a publicist to movie stars. No way that could ever blow up in our faces. We’d really thought that one through like mature adults before bringing small lives into this world.
I was breathing in and out so rapidly now I was pretty sure I was near to either hyperventilating or having a panic attack. Which one was it when you breathed so fast that suddenly you felt like you couldn’t breathe at all and then your heart went bang BANG BANG really, really loud in your ears???
That one.
I was having that one.
“Are you all right, Signora?” asked an older woman with kindly lines grooved in her face.
I gasped in a huge gulp of breath and the world zoned back in around me.
I nodded and hugged my purse to my chest. “Tickets?” I asked hoarsely, trying to focus on speaking instead of the panic. “Where can I buy tickets?”
