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August 15th…
What the hell was I thinking? Oh wait, I wasn’t because I’m an asshole. I saw her and took what I wanted. There was no finesse, not that I have any seeing as how that was my first kiss, but I know I could’ve done better than pawing at her like I did. I bit her for fuck’s sake. It wasn’t until she said my name, her voice shaky in a way I’d never heard before, that my brain kicked in. I set her down, holding on only long enough to make sure she was steady, then backed up. I couldn’t look at her, worried she’d see the shame in my eyes at my actions and try to comfort me. To convince me everything was okay.
It wasn’t. Nothing was. Instead of finishing college and professing my love for my best friend, I’ve lost my parents, now have two of my three siblings to raise, dropped out, and alienated the love of my life.
As if I didn’t mess up enough, I proceeded to make it sound as if what we did together was wrong, thatwewere wrong, then told her to leave. And I watched her go. I saw the slump in her shoulders, the slowness of her steps, and the part that truly killed me? Her hand lifting to her face, the tremors in it evident from where I stood, as she swiped what I can only imagine were tears from her cheeks.
I want to wallow in pity, but I can’t. I have too much to do. First, though, I have to get out of bed. After cleaning up and getting dressed, I go downstairs, the smell of bacon causing me to pause mid-step, foot hanging in the air. Logically, I know it’s not mom, that it’s Nash, probably wanting to give us the comfort of some familiarity, but for a split second, I can hear dad and mom in there.
When reality hits, my hand drifts into my pocket and I rub the stone mom gave me. We all got one before we each started kindergarten, but none of us know what word the others have engraved on theirs, only that they’re different. Mine says strength. There’s irony in that because I currently feel like I don’t have any.
I’ve never felt so alone.
So weak.
So ashamed.
–––
Following a solemn breakfast which we ate because we need the nourishment not due to any craving for it, we pitch in to clean up while Nash gets ready. The rule is that if you made it, your job is done and everyone else has to do the rest. Except a knock in front has my head jerking up as I wipe down the table. We all freeze, the last time this happened too fresh in our minds and hearts to not recall every vivid detail of learning our parents were gone.
I remind them it’s probably more people bringing food and they relax a bit, but I see it in their eyes. They can’t do this right now either.
Trying to figure out how I can politely send them away, I open the door and see Ember. She came back. Scratch that. She may be standing here, but this is not my Ember. This version is hunched, as if braced for a blow, and the fire in her eyes, the very reason I nicknamed her sparky, is gone. I did that. I single-handedly did what her parents have tried to for years and could not. I extinguished it. Destroyed one of the things I love most about her.
Yes, I wanted her to move on because all I am must be focused on keeping my family together, but calling what we did a mistake, acting as if I regretted even a second of it, was not the way to do it. I need to apologize for that, but the reasoning behind it? It still stands.
“Hi,” I greet her, feeling awkward in her presence for the first time since we met.
A tremulous smile comes from my brave girl as she says, “Hey. I figured you could use some help.”
“That’d be great. Thank you.” I retreat and let her come in.
“Where should we start?”
“With an apology,” I answer as I lead her to the kitchen. The others have already finished, giving us some privacy.
“For what?”
“I was an ass yesterday,” I admit. “I was out of control and got carried away. I needed something to hold on to and I took advantage of our friendship.”Stop saying these things! Tell her you don’t regret it, just the circumstances of it. Tell her that you’ve wanted to do that for a long time. Tell her that you didn’t need something, you needed her. Only her.I want to more than I want my next breath, but I can’t.
“Oh.” She glances at her shoes. “Don’t worry about it, Adam. You have a lot going on and your emotions are all over the place. I know it didn’t mean anything.”
Ember is so wrong. It meant everything to me.
**Ember**
Old reliable Ember.
The friend.
After I let him off the hook, I decide to keep my distance as much as I can while being in his house and helping him pick up the pieces. All while quietly trying to rebuild my own and wondering why I’m never enough.
I’m used to it from my parents. Yes, I love them and they me in their own way, but my older brother, Kent, is the apple of their eye and we all know it. He’s their Golden Boy. I may have accepted my role as second best in their lives, I just never thought my best friend would treat me the same…as if I don’t matter.
The thing is, I don’t hate Kent. He didn’t ask for their favoritism nor does he want or condone it, but neither can he change it. Kent and I can joke about it now. It took years for us to reach that point, him from guilt and me due to jealousy. Adam actually helped me get there. He said that I’m who I was meant to be and if anybody couldn’t appreciate that, it was their hang up not mine. He gave me the confidence to be myself.
Seems only fitting he’d be the one to take it away from me.
