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These antics go on for about an hour, and we follow the track around a few different paths. I lost Drixx at one stage when Lux hit the side of our cart, causing it to spin in a three sixty, and having to keep moving, I sailed it out and back tracked for him. We even went bush a few times following the ball.
Nearing the last clearing, a lake comes into view, and a few kids are there setting up beach umbrellas and towels. Wilder hits the ball towards an unexpecting group of girls who all shriek, and it’s then that I realise that it’s Kelby, Taleah, and Blaine. Lux speeds up, clearly not bothered by the girls, and I do the same; I can’t let her beat me. Drixx calls out to her and moons her, she makes anewwsound and gets speed wobbles. We pull ahead by an inch or two, enough for Diesel to lean forward and smash the ball into the lake as our cart comes to a screeching halt at the water's edge.
Drixx jumps out making lewd comments at Lux, and she laughs, giving him the finger. I jump out of the cart, and Diesel stalks toward me, my heart thumps even harder when his hands reach for my face, pulling me roughly into his lips. When his lips leave mine, he looks at me and smiles, he actually bloody smiles, taking my hand and leading me towards where everyone has gathered.
It's all just a game, it's a game, I remind myself. I can’t be stupid, he is playing me and me him. But I have to do this, the closer I am to Diesel, the easier it will be for me to bury this sex tape once and for all.
Nearing the group, I see Blaine in her barely there bikini jump up into Cuyler’s arms. A pang of jealousy hits the pit of my stomach for a few reasons. I will never be able to wear a bikini like that again, and Zeke will never be able to wrap me in his arms like that. I would be lying if I said Cuyler doesn't affect me either but he does, so him touching her like that also sets off the green-eyed monster.
“I wouldn’t waste your time; he’ll never leave her.” Diesel snaps, dropping my hand abruptly.
“Cuy and I are just friends, that isn’t…” He cuts me off.
“I see the way you’re looking at them. It’s jealousy.” He folds his arms over his chest, waiting for me to say something, but I decide to let him in a little justifying myself.
“You’re right, it is, and do you want to know why?” I rant. “Because I can never wear a bikini like that again, the boy I loved will never look atmelike that, so sorry if that bothers you.” I snap and storm away and sit on a tree stump in the shade on the side of the lake. Diesel walks over and sits down beside me. He looks out at the lake, the tension between us starts to fade a little.
“You know, you would look that good in a bikini, and maybe that one boy can’t look at you like that, but others will.” He says, turning to face me, wiping away a single tear that rolled down my cheek.
“You’ve seen my scars, they’re horrible.” I pull self-consciously at my cardigan sleeve. I have burns and scars, but to me, they are one in the same.
“You could walk down there now in your underwear, and not one guy would see your scars, they would only see boobs.” I laugh at his comment, everyone keeps telling me how arrogant and hard-core nasty he is, but he hasn’t been that way towards me really. He has his asshole moments but never the big bad wolf as they call him. I know I’m part of some game to him, but when he’s like this, it feels so genuine. I look at his face, the bruise on his eye is starting to go a bluish purple around the edges, and the cut on his lip has scabbed over.
“No one will ever want a broken girl when there are girls like that to compete with.” I say, looking over at Kelby and her minions, splashing around in the lake, laughing, carefree.
“You just need to find a boy with just as many broken pieces, maybe you’re one of the missing pieces he has been looking for.” Seeing Diesel vulnerable isn’t what I was expecting right now when someone could see him. His moments are usually in our room, behind closed doors.
“What are the chances of finding someone who can deal with my nightmares that are due to another guy? My constant wondering how different things would be if he didn’t die. He was my forever.” I look away, it hurts just thinking about Zeke not being a part of my future. We used to talk about what that would look like for us; would we be married forever? or stay friends if we decided we didn’t want that as we grew up. Now he is just a memory.
“Well you don’t need to be looking for a forever, you just need a ride or die. Someone who has your back no matter what life throws at you.” He forces me to look at him again, the tears threatening to pool over. I hate him seeing me weak, you never show your enemies your weakness.
“Maybe you’re right.” I doubt there would be someone like that, being okay with my nightmares and scars is one thing, knowing I had an issue with addiction and a sex tape out there, probably not. Not in the world of the elite, any secrets in your closet are there for your enemies to find and exploit.
“I always am, now let’s both stop moping around and have some fun,” he says as he stands, dusting the grass from his shorts and pulling his shirt off, showing off his perfect washboard abs.
“I didn’t bring a suit.” I say, looking up at him, and a serious expression washes over his face as he leans down and pulls me to my feet before throwing me over his shoulder.
“Put me down, I’m fully dressed.” I kick my feet in the air, and my protests go ignored. “We still have our shoes on, they’ll get ruined.” He laughs at my comment as he runs into the water effortlessly with me still over his shoulder, dropping me in the water when he wades in up to his hips.
“Diesel,” I splutter. “I have no change of clothes.”
“You’ll dry off, stop worrying so much and have fun.” Have fun, that seems like such an alien thought. I vowed to never have fun again, I didn’t deserve it.
“I didn’t know him, but for what it’s worth, if he loved you half as much as you seem to love him, he would want you to live your life and not hold back.”
I know he is right, Zeke was always a kind-hearted guy. He always wanted what was best for everyone. It’s just easier said than done without punishing myself.
Diesel swims off over to where the triplets are splashing Lux. It’s so easy for them, but me, I’m at war with myself. On one hand, I want to have fun, but after everything, I know I don’t deserve it. But deep down, I really just want to let everything go and have fun. To feel normal again.
You had fun today.Avoice in the back of my head says. And I did, I haven’t had this much fun in such a long time. Would it be wrong to want that?
“Are you okay?” Cuyler asks, swimming over to join me. I feel eyes watching our every move, yet I don’t look over at Diesel. His words still cling to the back of my mind.
“Fine, just pissed I didn’t know there would be swimming.” Not that it would have made a difference, I would have made up an excuse why I couldn’t get in the water.
“He didn’t tell you?” He asks, floating on his back beside me.
“No, he didn’t even say where we were going.” I join him and float on my back beside him. I bet we look stupid, but it’s nice to feel a part of something again, even if I know it’s all an act.
