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Colin rolls his eyes as he goes around me, making a show of bumping his shoulder into mine, which is a prime example of why we need exactly what Giorgi’s decided to implement: a reward system. Only the one I want to create isn’t going to give these kids free pizza and breadsticks by spending money with a business.
It’s going to give them the skills to be decent, respectful human beings who will thenearnrewards based on a system Jenna and I will agree on. And if they don’t want to be a part of it, tough cookies, because as far as I’m concerned, this one is not going to be optional.
Chapter Fourteen
Jenna
I’m not sure I fully grasp the idea Seth is suggesting, but I do know that I feel like we’re a family right now. When Seth asked me to discuss an idea he thought of earlier, I couldn’t say no. I didn’t even know what the idea was, and yet Seth’s never looked so excited about something. How was I supposed to turn him down when there was a hope, a spark of something almost like happiness, in those blue eyes of his?
I don’t regret my choice to agree; I just wish my heart could’ve given me a heads-up that this would tug on my emotions. We’re all situated at the table between my living room and kitchen while rain falls beyond the darkened windows. Seth’s at the head of the table with Eli on his knee, my sons back pressed firmly into Seth’s chest. I’m to Seth’s right, and Ella’s next to me, her coloring pages splayed across half the table.
It’s everything I always wanted with Pete. And yet, it’s not. Yes, these are my children and this is my house, but that’s just it. Everything’smine. Seth is not Ella and Eli’s father, not biologically or otherwise, and he’s not my husband. He won’t be here when I crawl into bed tonight, to hold me close and whisper tender words in my ear. He won’t be here when one of the kids wakes up because of a nightmare, to soothe them with a gentle touch. He won’t be here when I try to remember the good memories with the only blood family member I have left, to see that my optimism is countered by at least as many tears as smiles.
I’m not as strong as everyone seems to think I am.
I never say so because I’m terrified it’ll become true. I know it already is, but somehow, I feel stronger when I don’t expose my weaknesses. And I’m not talking about weaknesses like fuzzy socks with shorts or my Slothies or strawberry ice cream or watchingMamma Miaover and over. The weaknesses I’m talking about aren’t surface level like those things. They’re my flaws, the parts of me I wish I could hide. They’re my scars, the emotional ones I want to heal but don’t know how. Those weaknesses are the things that make me innately human. And perhaps the most terrifying thing of all is this: the realization that, under the layers years of experiences have added to my being, Iamonly human.
“Jen?”
Seth’s voice startles me from my thoughts, and my gaze darts to meet his. “Sorry. Were you saying something? I was…thinking.”
“Sometimes that’s the best thing we can do, and sometimes it’s the worst.” His words are soft, but he doesn’t allow any possible moment to stretch out between us, because he breaks eye contact to consult his papers. And by papers, I mean a few sticky notes with sloppy handwriting on them, which means he likely jotted them down quickly before he drove over here. I’m not sure why, but I can easily see him propping the paper on his steering wheel and scribbling out words onto them. “So, uh, my idea. When I was talking to Gabe briefly, he asked if I wanted to sign up for their new rewards program, and that got me thinking: Why don’t we implement one of our own with the teens?”
This is the second time he’s said something like that, and I’m still struggling to understand. “So, they can earn stuff—”
“Mommy, I’m tired,” Ella interrupts, her head resting on her folded arms atop the table, eyes heavy. “Can I go to bed?”
“Oh, well—”
Seth touches my arm, and the contact of his skin to mine sends a shiver of awareness up my spine. “Go ahead and do what you need to do with the kids. Eli’s practically asleep on my lap, so if you want me to, I can, uh, put him to bed. Or at least carry him upstairs. We can discuss this after.”
I remind myself no less than a hundred times over the next half hour that there is no reason to feel ridiculous flutters just because Seth carried Eli upstairs for me. I thought he was going to carry him all the way to his bed—both Ella and Eli put their pj’s on at Alice’s because I got home later than usual—but he stopped short just outside the door. And it easily could’ve been my imagination getting the best of me, but it was almost like fear paralyzed him there. The distant look in his eyes as he passed Eli to me and turned to go back downstairs with only a mumbled apology, however, says it was not just my imagination.
Once the kids are in bed and I’ve redone my messy bun because its predecessor was hanging halfway down the side of my head, I go back downstairs, pausing for a moment just out of Seth’s sight in the doorway. Maybe it’s unfair that I get to study him without him knowing it, but I don’t care. He’s wearing a pair of faded jeans that look like they were specially tailored—even though I know Seth wouldn’t do such a thing—and a pale gray T-shirt that hugs his muscular upper body like a sailor’s wife clinging to her husband before he shipped out for WWII. His dark hair looks like he ran his hands through it no less than three times after coming back downstairs, giving it a disheveled appearance, and his brows are slanted in concentration as he leans over his sticky notes. And perhaps it’s because curiosity is one of the layers my life has given me, but I honestly want to know what paralyzed him outside my son’s bedroom.
But you know how there’s selective hearing? Yeah, I have this thing calledSelective Boldness.It only allows me to be bold around certain people, those of which Seth is, in most cases, not included. The hug two nights ago was an exception. It might’ve been bold, but it’s not asking a specific question. I’ve never asked Seth about his past. Anything I know has come from little glimpses he’s shared unintentionally, from a few conversations with Jess, or from overhearing others talk about him. I admit it; I purposely kept a little close to table four a couple months ago at work because the two older ladies dining there were talking about Seth. I really don’t know any more than I did prior to that, though, so I’m here to tell you that eavesdropping is still considered very rude.
Once I’ve sufficiently tamped down my curiosity—and studied the way his muscles move in his arms as he writes—I come out of hiding and walk into the kitchen normally. I’m so normal I fill two glasses of water and carry both of themandmy phone over to the table without spilling a drop. Just give me the Emmy now. I don’t need a fancy awards ceremony.
“Sorry about the delay,” I say as I set a glass of water in front of him, then slide onto my chair, sitting on top of my right leg. “I usually have them in bed before nine, and tonight was going to be an exception, but you can see how well that went.”
Why in the Sam Hill am I rambling?
Seth waves his hand dismissively. “You have two kids, Jenna. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
Ah-ha. That’s why I was rambling. Because I knew he would say something like that, and I was kinda-sorta delaying the inevitable.
Desperate to change the subject, I grab my phone. “Do you—Do you mind if I play some music?”What?“I tend to work better when there’s some kind of background noise.” Well. That’s not entirely a lie.
His focus is back on his papers. “Go ahead. I don’t mind.”
I click shuffle on my favorite playlist, setting the volume to a quiet but audible level, then set my phone down to give Seth my undivided attention. One of my pet peeves with modern technology is how easy it is to be so far away from someone while sitting right next to them. I always used to brush it off when Pete was on his phone while we were out to eat or having a conversation because I knew he was a busy man with a lot of work to do. It wasn’t until later that I started to wonder if it wasn’t always work. He swore to me he didn’t see anyone else while we were married, but I can’t know that for sure. I thought having Eli would bring us closer together, but we only drifted further and further apart, until there was nothing left.
“Okay, so, you were talking about a reward system,” I say, determined to get somewhere other than the past tonight. “Do you mean it so they can earn stuff? Or what are you thinking?”
“Kind of, but more like they’d be trading one experience for another experience. Like this.” He turns one of his notes around, pointing at the words with the eraser of his pencil. “Let’s say we work on the house and complete something big like getting all the walls painted and everyone works together really well as a team, okay?”
I nod.
