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Jess looks at me, her head tilted, and one brow lowered. “You really did love her, didn’t you?”
My eyes widen. Are my thoughts that transparent? That was not what I was expecting her to say, and it takes me a moment to come up with a response. “Yes. I wasn’t about to propose to a woman I didn’t love, J.”
“Well, yeah, I’d hope not.” She pauses, moving one hand absently over her baby bump. The sun catches on her diamond ring and glitters, pretty much a mirror of how my sister lights up whenever Marshall’s around. It’s foreign, but an ache has started wrapping itself around my heart, because lately I want that too. It’s been so long since I’ve had the kind of connection Marshall and Jess have that I’ve just become accustomed to it. But being accustomed to something and having what you really want are two very different things. That’s like taking a lukewarm shower because you’re too lazy to twist the nob any farther. “Can I be honest with you?”
“I wouldn’t want anything less.”
“Sierra is the one who lost something incredible. If she was able to say something likea man who didn’t have a dad can’t be a good oneto your face, it is she who ultimately has to deal with the consequences of those words. And my gosh, Seth. If you think—No, I know you think that, but believe me, Sierra waswrong.” Jess looks up at me, a soft smile tilting her lips. “You’re going to be an amazing dad someday. As your little sister, I can promise you I know exactly how kind, selfless, and sometimes annoying you are. And isn’t that what everyone wants in a dad?”
I study her for a moment, noting the sadness residing in the smile lines around her eyes. “You miss him, don’t you?”
“Dad?” At my nod, she shrugs. But it’s not one of those I’m-pretending-everything’s-fine-so-I’m-shrugging type shrugs. “I mean, yeah, of course I do. Wouldn’t any kid?”
“For a while I convinced myself I didn’t.” The admission rolls off my lips before I can stop it, and I blow out a long breath. I scuff the toe of my boot across the dock. “I tried to tell myself I didn’t need him. That he didn’t want us, so why should I want him, you know?” I let out a short, brittle-sounding laugh. “It’s kind of easier to justify his actions when I think of it that way.”
Jess sighs and slides her arm around me, resting her head on my chest. “I think it’s okay to miss him, Seth. Natural, even. And honestly, I don’t think he didn’twantus. I think he was too scared to show it after Mom died.”
I process her words as I wrap my arm around her shoulders, a welcome breeze filtering across my face. Is it okay to miss my father? The man who went to drugs instead of his own kids after his wife, our mother, died? The man who never made any effort to see Jess or myself but kept tabs on us through our legal guardians? The man who Marshall and Wynn are still contracted to build condos with? The man I have comesoclose to hating but never allowed myself to get to that point?
Can I really miss him?
“Do you think we’ll ever see him again?” I ask quietly, focusing on the sailboats off in the distance, bobbing gently in the glittering blue waves of the lake.
“Honestly? I don’t know.” Jess releases a breath. “I really don’t. I don’t know if I even want to. I mean, he’s going to have a grandchild and…”
And he may never meet him or her.
It’s the truth. Just like it’s the truth that our father wasn’t the one to give Marshall his permission to propose or the one to walk Jess down the aisle. I won’t tell Jess this, but I found my father’s cell number online and I was about to call him the week before the wedding. There were several times I had the number typed in and my thumb hovered over the little green phone icon. It hurt me so bad to have Jess ask me to walk her down the aisle that I almost did it. But whether it was God or the Universe or just a gut instinct, I couldn’t go through with it. Not after the crap he’d pulled and Jess finding peace in the knowledge that we may or may not see him again. If the man wanted to be there for his daughter’s wedding, he knew how to do so.
“Hey, Seth?”
“Hmm?”
“Why did you decide to tell me all that—the counselor, why you have your God-awful couch, Sierra, etcetera—today?” She looks up at me, eyes narrowed. “It’s been eleven years and you just randomly decided that today was the day to tell me?”
I shake my head slowly. “No. The reason is that I—you have got to promise me you won’t dance around and sayI told you so, because I will push you off this dock. That baby’s gonna learn to swim at some point. Might as well start now.”
Jess’s mouth drops open. “You wouldn’t.”
“I would.”
“I’m still not making any promises. I kinda want to rub it in your face if you say what I think you’re gonna say.”
“Have I ever mentioned how genuine of a sister you are?”
She grins. “Not nearly often enough.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m starting to…accept the fact that I have feelings for Jenna.” Jess’s squeal cuts me off momentarily, and I resist the urge to wince. “But before I tell her anything, I needed to tell you…well, everything. And in the event she feels the same, you need to know that I’m going to take things slow. I can’t handle moving too fast.”
“Aww,” my sister singsongs, a big goofy grin on her face. “My big, broody brother is inloooveee!”
“Do you have your nose plugged?”
“Threaten away, buddy. I know you won’t do it.”
“Are you sure you want to try me?”
Jess lifts a hand to pat her painfully exaggerated yawn. “Anybody else about to fall asleep? No? Just me?”
