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Seth’s tentative question stuns me. It rattles me a whole lot more than the notion of being in love with him. But I see the longing in his eyes, the desire to extinguish his demons once and for all, and I can’t keep myself from nodding.
And when I follow him up the stairs, it’s not because I don’t trust him with my son. It’s because I want to be there in case he thinks he can’t do this so I can tell him he can. I almost think I’m going to need to when he hesitates outside Eli’s door, hands fisting and un-fisting by his sides. But he surprises me.
He goes in.
It may not seem monumental to most, but most wouldn’t understand that crossing the threshold into a little boy’s bedroom for Seth is akin to a drug addict walking through the doors of a treatment facility. It’s physically nothing more than a couple steps but emotionally like walking through a wall of fire, feeling the singe of the heat, and doing it anyway because it’s healthier on the other side.
I stop in the doorway, though, and allow my shoulder to lean against the doorframe. My hand lifts to cover my lips as Seth lowers onto my son’s twin-sized bed. Eli immediately launches himself into Seth’s arms without a second thought, his tiny body visibly shaking as he recounts the nightmare he just had. My tears flow freely watching Seth rock my baby in his strong arms and whisper quiet, soothing words and press his lips to Eli’s head of blond curls.
I’m just turning away to give them some privacy when Eli’s muffled words stop me in my tracks.
“I love you, Daddy Seth.”
And without hesitation, without doubt, Seth says, “I love you too, Eli.”
I’m washing the dishes I never got around to doing earlier when I hear Seth’s footfalls on the steps ten minutes later. It only took me a couple minutes to get my legs to carry me back downstairs, and now I look up as Seth walks into my kitchen. He stops on the opposite side of the island as though unsure what to do or say now that we’re in the light. My entryway was lit only by the front porch light and a lamp on the entry table, so it was noticeably different than the bright lights of my living room and kitchen.
I take in the dirt on Seth’s navy uniform, then allow my gaze to roam his dirt-streaked face. Without saying a word, I pull a clean washcloth from the drawer next to my sink, squirt hand soap onto it, and run it under hot water. Seth’s eyes follow my every move as I round the island.
I pull out a barstool. He lowers onto it, wincing as though the movement physically hurts. His body might be big and strong and able to brace for anything, no matter the stakes or the danger.
It doesn’t, however, know how to respond to TLC. Because when I touch the washcloth to his cheek, he sucks in a sharp breath, his exhale shaky. I don’t let his reaction deter me. I carefully wash his face, moving deliberately and keeping my touch gentle. Seth’s eyes flicker closed, his dark lashes resting on his cheeks as he focuses on breathing.
Once his face is clean, I set the washcloth aside and comb my fingers through his hair like he did mine. My touch makes his eyes open, and his hands land on my hips, pulling me into him. I don’t resist. I let my arms wrap around his neck and rest my chin on his head and feel his warm, steadying breath on my collarbone. I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s seen something horrific in his line of work, but I know it’s the first time he hasn’t had to process it alone.
And, God-willing, he’ll never have to do it alone again.
“How about you take a shower and sleep in my guest room tonight?” I ask quietly, leaning back. His arms tighten around my waist, almost like he’s afraid he’ll lose me. I like how it feels to lean against their strong barricade. “I don’t think you should be alone.”
Seth tilts his head back to look at me. It’s funny to be taller than him. “People will think—”
“I don’t care what people think. They can assume whatever the hell they want to. Right now, you need to have the security of people who love you around you. And if you don’t want to stay here, I’m going to call your sister.”
“Jen, it’s two in the morning.”
“Your point is?”
He sighs, but I see a little kindling of amusement in his eyes. “You’re kind of impossible to say no to, you know that?”
“Yeah. I use it to my advantage most of the time.” I smile and tilt my head. “And Seth?”
One dark brow raises.
“I don’t know what your expectations are, but I…I want to be upfront with you. I know what miscommunication can do to a relationship—literally, read almost any book or watch any movie and you’ll see that it kills the relationship before it can even start—so I won’t let that happen. You mean too much to me and I don’t want to…” I swallow because I know I’m rambling unnecessarily and force myself to slow down. “Pete and I, we didn’t…wait. But I made a promise to myself, and I know it sounds old-fashioned and I get that maybe it is, but I—”
“Jen, I’m not going anywhere.” He turns his head to kiss my fingertips, then smiles up at me with a smile I’ve wanted to see since he stepped foot in my house. One that means he’s going to be okay. “And I respect your convictions. I’m here for the long haul, sweetheart.”
I bite my lip. “Okay. That’s good. That’s really good. So, um, well…”
“I love you, Jen.” He stands and kisses me on the lips, then on my neck, then physically sets me away from him. “I’m going to take that shower you mentioned. Don’t make a fuss over me, though. We both need some sleep tonight.”
For some reason, the fact that he didn’t make the conversation awkward makes me love him that much more. He’s the kind of man to respect boundaries, and that sends a strange little thrill up my spine. As easy as it would be for him to kiss me again, make me reconsider my convictions, he doesn’t. That’s not Seth.
“I love you too,” I say as he starts toward the hallway. “Oh, and Seth?”
He glances over his shoulder.
“I think you should go talk to John tomorrow—well, I guess it’s today.” I lift my shoulder and let it drop. “Maybe it’ll help and maybe it won’t, but I know what he means to you. Couldn’t hurt to talk to someone who understands firsthand what you’re feeling after what you saw.”
