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She left the first day we came to Marie’s house as soon as it started thundering. And based on the way she’s starting to mumble incoherently, anxiety lacing her words, it’s not because she wants to make sure her dog is okay at the house.
It’s because she’s having a panic attack.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Jenna
They started a couple years ago.” Mazzy strokes the dark brown fur of Poppy’s head resting in her lap, her voice starting to regain some of its strength. “It was when my parents had a big fight over me going to get my driver’s license, and it was storming outside that night. Poppy and I were in my room, and I remember wishing my mom would stop coming around. She was either drunk or high most of the time, and Dad didn’t want me anywhere near her because of it. I mean, my dad isn’t perfect and stuff, but he tries his best.”
I glance at Seth. He’s started to relax a little, but I can still see the tension in his tight jaw and braced shoulders. There’s nothing I’d like more than to set my hand on his shoulder and tell him everyone’s okay, including him, but I don’t do either of those things. He’s the one who’s experienced with this sort of situation. The way I stood, frozen, as Mazzy had her panic attack while Seth calmly took control by assuring the teen she was safe, proves I’m not as equipped for these things as he is.
Even now, as Seth and Luka and Mazzy and I sit in the living room of Marie’s house on three sawhorses twenty minutes after the fact, my heart rate hasn’t fully returned to normal. I’ve never, until today, witnessed someone having a panic attack. I know a person feels helpless in the midst of one, but it never really set in justhowhelpless until I saw Mazzy’s.
For the first few minutes of the attack, Mazzy was only able to stand because Seth was supporting her weight. But then, once it set in what was happening, Mazzy pushed away from him and paced back and forth. She covered her face with trembling hands as she murmured words that were difficult to understand because of her labored breathing and choppy sentence structure. Seth stayed calm the whole time, speaking in clear and concise words to talk Mazzy down off the ledge she thought she was on. He respected her need to walk around, but he kept a close eye on her and made sure to keep her inside the house. I didn’t miss the silent communication between Seth and Luka for Luka to stand in front of the doors leading to the backyard.
It started raining just as Mazzy started to calm down, and she finally said something we were able to understand: she needed her dog. Luka didn’t hesitate. He jogged out into the rain without being asked and returned ten minutes later with a chocolate Lab who’d been able to fully bring Mazzy back to safe ground. The attack itself lasted about ten minutes, but it felt like a whole lot longer to me. I can’t even begin to fathom being in Mazzy’s shoes.
“My dad doesn’t know about them,” Mazzy continues, gaze falling to Poppy’s hazel eyes. The dog responds by nudging her nose against Mazzy’s chin. “I didn’t really think it would happen again after that night, and he already had so much to take care of and stuff. I didn’t want to worry him.”
“But it did happen again.” There’s something hard in Seth’s voice, though his expression is drawn.
Mazzy nods. “It was a couple months after the first one. I was at home alone because it was summer break, and my dad was at work. I took Poppy outside since it was nice out, and then I saw a car that looks like what my mom drives—a gray Camry. I’d already had the one panic attack, of course, but I think the only reason I didn’t completely freak out is because of Poppy. Whenever I have one, she doesn’t leave my side until it’s over. After that second one it was quite a while until the next one. Probably because the main thing that sets them off is thunderstorms, and we didn’t have many because it was towards the end of summer. But then, as soon as spring came last year, they started again. I was hoping that working at the coffee shop would help because I’d be around people… Except then I didn’t have Poppy.”
“How about at school?” Seth asks. “Is there anyone who knows about them?”
Luka dips his chin slightly. “I’ve known for about a year. Our dads are both volunteers on the fire department so our families kinda know each other, plus we were in the same classes. She only had one at school, though.”
“Yeah,” Mazzy confirms, “and I was able to get through it somehow. The last one I had before today was…”
“The first day we came to this house,” Seth finishes quietly, rubbing his hands over his face. “You didn’t want to tell me or Jenna because you figured we’d insist upon telling your dad, but you covered that by saying you just didn’t want your dad to know about this project whatsoever. Correct?”
Swallowing, Mazzy nods. “Yeah.”
Seth sighs as he eases to his feet, concentration etched into the lines of his face as he paces over to the front door. I know he’s not mad, but this probably doesn’t exactly make him happy either. I can’t blame him. I also can’t blame Mazzy for being scared to tell her father because of everything else they’ve had to deal with in their lives. It’s a catch-22 situation.
“You probably need to discuss it with your dad,” Seth says at length, lowering back onto the sawhorse beside me. His hand brushes mine, and I tamp down the urge to twine my fingers through his. “I understand your reasons for not telling him, but Mazzy. If he ever walked in on an attack, he would be completely blind to what’s going on.”
Mazzy wipes under her eye and dares to meet Seth’s gaze, tears standing in her blue-green eyes. “What if he hates me for not telling him? He hated the fact that my mom kept secrets from him. But I was doing it to protect him, not because I wanted to hide anything like Mom and her drinking or boyfriends.”
“He’s your dad, Mazzy,” I find myself saying. “He won’t hate you. He probably won’t understand why you didn’t tell him, but it sounds like he really loves you and vice versa. If someone loves you, it’s impossible for them to hate you too.”
“But what will he think of me?” Her voice cracks and Poppy snuggles in closer. “He’ll feel like he can’t leave me alone. And he already feels bad because of what my mom did.”
“I’m not a father, but I can tell you that it’s pretty natural to feel protective of a child,” Seth says gently. Gone is the hardness in his voice, and to my surprise, he covers my hand with his between our hips. It’s discreet, but it’s also bold. “If he didn’t feel that way, I’d be concerned. That said, none of us can force you to talk to him. I’ll be honest, I feel responsible for seeing to it that you do discuss it. But I won’t force you. You’re almost an adult.”
There’s a gap of silence, and I can see the choices warring in Mazzy’s expression. She squeezes her eyes closed as she pulls in a big breath, then blows it out slowly and evenly. Her coloring is back to normal, and she’s fully stopped shaking, which means the attack itself has passed.
Except that now she’s faced with a big decision.
“I’ll tell him,” she whispers softly, just as it thunders. She startles but doesn’t appear rattled by it. “Will you… Will you guys do it with me, though?”
Seth twines his fingers through mine as he, Luka, and I walk down the neatly kept sidewalk in front of the Young house a couple hours later, and the tension has finally started to drain from Seth’s strong body. The rain stopped sometime while we were talking to Mazzy’s father, Dale, but the clouds are hanging around. A tiny sliver of sunlight is trying to peek through in the clouds over the lake, and there might just be a sunset to be seen later.
I’d never met Dale Young before, but for some reason I had him pegged as a tall buff guy with tattoos and a balding head because of Mazzy’s feisty personality. I was wrong. Dale is a few inches shorter than Seth and Luka with graying blond hair, surprisingly kind hazel eyes, and a handlebar mustache. I learned he works full time at theBalsam Falls Gazetteand, like Luka mentioned, volunteers on the fire department. He and Mazzy have a modest but nice home in a modest but nice part of town, and based on the way he interacts with his daughter, I think it’s safe to say Mazzy doesn’t need to be worried about her dad hating her.
I only wish there was something we could do to make it easier on the father-daughter duo. From the little Dale did say about his ex-wife, Mazzy wasn’t exaggerating. Stacy Young is much fonder of her alcohol and boyfriends than being a mother to Mazzy. Fortunately, Dale now knows about Mazzy’s panic attacks, and they can figure out the best way to move forward.Together.
I won’t lie—it rubs salt on a wound I didn’t realize I had, because that’s what I wanted back when Jade came home pregnant the weekend of my graduation. It’s why I insisted on telling our parents and trying to prove I still loved her, pregnant at her age without a husband or not. It’s why I wanted our family to be able to work it out together, like Mazzy and Dale will get the chance to.
